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Why don’t more people live close to friends?

annehelen.substack.com

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Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#531

Post by rayiner »

scarface74 wrote: post #526
reducesuffering wrote: post #468

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I would have to deal with my dad wondering why I would waste money paying people to cut my lawn That can't be the problem that comes to mind when dealing with a parent. I love my parents, but if that's the extent of your annoyance, you got off real real easy.

That’s an example of someone who doesn’t believe in “wasting money on things you can do yourself” and constantly judging our decisions? Did I mention the whole religious conservative thing and how they would probably grit their teeth when my wife and I would just casually talk about going out to dinner with “her friend and his husband”?

And? Do you have so little ability to cope?

I find it harder and harder to relate to Americans the older I get. I was at my cousin’s wedding recently, and a friend of their family has hassling me for being in a mixed marriage (we’re Bangladeshi, and my wife is an American). I sucked it up and was polite because I put on my big boy pants that day. Blood, and community are more important than abstract ideological debates.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#532

Post by mtalantikite »

jbullock35 wrote: post #512
mtalantikite wrote: post #402

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are a lot of small towns like that in western massachusetts, which are in proximity to the five colleges, but aren't in them. Places like Montague or Shelburne Falls have areas of density in town that you can walk around in and get to things, and then you can drive 20-30 minutes into Amherst or Northampton or another larger town, closer to the universities. I went to school out there and have friends from the s…

I don't think that's a sufficient condition. I too am from a New England town that was incorporated more than 200 years ago. But it doesn't have the density or the amenities that you're describing. (I wish that it did!)

Yeah that's fair, it's never just one thing and not all old towns are going to be like that, but it's pretty common in at least Massachusetts, particularly if you're in proximity to a larger town. It's also a much denser state in general than Vermont/Maine/New Hampshire, from what I remember growing up there.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#533

Post by Broken_Hippo »

yellowapple wrote: post #478
Broken_Hippo wrote: post #291

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wouldn't count a city of 250k as "smaller". Of course, perspective. I'm in a "big city" right now, smaller than Reno, and it is the biggest city I've lived in.

> I wouldn't count a city of 250k as "smaller". Salt Lake City is even smaller by that metric, with only 200k people. What gives? Well, that's why we measure metropolitan areas instead of cities themselves. If your metro area is in the top 100 in the US, then it's bigger than Reno/Sparks by a considerable margin.

Up until 10 years ago, the largest city I had lived in had 50-60k people. It wasn't really worth it to count a metro area: That was the hub for the small towns of the area, and honestly pretty normal where I was in the Midwest. Some had no taxis (and pre-uber) and in others, you couldn't count on a taxi to get you to work on time. Only 1 had busses outside of school busses (but all had school busses).

Now, "big city" is 180-200k. I wouldn't know about where it ranks in the US, as the reason I went to a "big city" was because I moved out of the US.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#534

Post by somewhereoutth »

ttoinou wrote: post #426
somewhereoutth wrote: post #395

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my Portuguese apartment block I have 2 restaurants, a cafe, a hairdresser, a phone shop and some other commercial I haven't quite identified. From the front door I can throw rocks at 2 more cafes, another restaurant, a launderette, a playground and a car dealer. There is a basket ball court out the back. Nothing special about my 7 storey block, but when a certain density is reached things start to work really well

Where is that more precisely ?

Lisbon suburbs

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#535

Post by iambateman »

rolisz wrote: post #377
balfirevic wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> People really like having a 3,000 square foot detached single family home with a 2 car garage. Sure, I'd like that too. But also, how about 3000 square feet apartment with top-notch sound insulation and a balcony, with an underground garage? That sounds like it would have most of the benefits, I would actually prefer it, as I don't care about yards. And with 10-20 story buildings, you could still have quite a large…

I've yet to see an apartment with top-notch sound insulation.

Hah heard that.

Amusingly, there is an old mental hospital being revamped into apartments which has 1.5 foot thick concrete walls.

It may be the first truly soundproof apartment complex. :)

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#536

Post by scarface74 »

rayiner wrote: post #531
scarface74 wrote: post #526

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s an example of someone who doesn’t believe in “wasting money on things you can do yourself” and constantly judging our decisions? Did I mention the whole religious conservative thing and how they would probably grit their teeth when my wife and I would just casually talk about going out to dinner with “her friend and his husband”?

And? Do you have so little ability to cope? I find it harder and harder to relate to Americans the older I get. I was at my cousin’s wedding recently, and a friend of their family has hassling me for being in a mixed marriage (we’re Bangladeshi, and my wife is an American). I sucked it up and was polite because I put on my big boy pants that day. Blood, and community are more important than abstract ideological debat…

Why should I have to? I made enough money in 1996 when I was making $10/hour as a computer operator so I could move out on my own without dealing with every move I make being judged and asked Sunday morning why am I not going to church.

But guess what your anecdote says? You grinned and put up with it for a day and you went home. Now imagine dealing with that everyday.

But guess how long I would “put up with” anyone - including my parents or any other relatives - questioning who I marry? Yes, I checked my parents for questioning “our choice of friends” - ie a same sex couple

I find it crazy how many people sacrifice their own happiness trying to make their extended family (ie anyone who is not their spouse or minor children) happy.

There is also a reason there is such a brain drain in the US from small towns to larger cities once you go to college and get exposed to the wider world.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#538

Post by schlowmo »

subtra3t wrote: post #443
schlowmo wrote: post #84

One aspect of this which I find myself often think about is that it takes some deliberation with whom you want to spend your time when you get older if you're not living the usual family life. I'm in my thirties now and sometimes it feels like there's plenty of time to figure this out. But most of my closest friends are somewhat older than me. Almost none of them have started a family in the traditional sense. Most o…

Perhaps a possible drawback of such an arrangement could be that people change over time, and sometimes you just don't like the new person that they've become. Maybe you were best friends with a guy 10 years ago. But gradually, the guy has changed fundamentally as a person, and you may not be as confortable with the guy as you used to be. Hopelessly trying to continue the relationship would serve no purpose.

Well that "arrangement" isn't a marriage of convenience. It can end anytime if we drift apart. We all acknowledge that we are different people then we were before. So is the world.

I'm grateful being around people who know whom I was 10-20 years ago. Some of them know me almost half of my life. And it can sometimes help being reminded of that past-self by other people.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#539

Post by BenFranklin100 »

dev_daftly wrote: post #418
oriolid wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We must have seen different versions of New York. The one I remember had a few high rises at Manhattan, a lot of lower buildings at the central areas and suburbs of individual houses that extended tens of kilometers to every direction. The difference to for example Hong Kong is huge.

The densest cities in the world have no high-rises.

Paris is approximately 3X denser than Boston and far more livable.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#540

Post by vineyardmike »

MrOwnPut wrote: post #483
vineyardmike wrote: post #475

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just because you have a good experience, doesn’t mean everyone will. There’s plenty of history in America to defend the assumption that minorities will have a worse experience in rural towns. You seem to live in a very diverse town which is great. That’s not most towns in America. As a counter example, someone has called me a slur in almost every area I’ve spent time in besides big cities. Like driving by me on a sid…

> Just because you have a good experience, doesn’t mean everyone will. So you stereotype, generalize, and assume the worse just in case your pre-judgement is right? > There’s plenty of history in America to defend the assumption that minorities will have a worse experience in rural towns. And what is that? What in "history" specifically makes you think people in rural towns are worse than people in cities? Either way…

Uprooting your life and moving is a big commitment. If you’re a minority, it’s a lot safer bet that you won’t have issues in a big city than a small town. It’s risk mitigation.

When I say history I don’t mean the history book a generation ago. I mean the news stations, social media, people’s modern lived experience . There’s a lot more people discussing issues with small towns than big cities, especially when accounting for population differences.

Your articles only tell half a story. They show that a chunk of counties have >25% non white. But none have significant Asian populations, nor LGBTQ, etc. “Not blindingly white” isn’t the same as diversity for many people. Will it have restaurants of the cuisine of your home culture? Mosques/temples of your religion, etc. Will gay people be able to find dates? There’s so much more to diversity.

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