Why don’t more people live close to friends? • Hacker News Board

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#411

Post by tachudja » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:02 PM UTC

shortrounddev wrote: post #356

naremu wrote: post #25

I've been wondering how related these feelings of distance and isolation in the middle of society are to how the area is designed. I had always known for a long time the "why" I didn't want to go out on weekends and such, but it wasn't until I watched some of those videos from "Not Just Bikes" that it really, really struck me. I literally dread finding parking more than I enjoy finding friends. And suburban (and fran…

I have found that the suburbs are far friendlier than cities. In the suburbs, I knew a lots of my neighbors, and making friends was very easy. In the city, nobody talks to anybody. City people are just unfriendly or theyre sick of other people or something https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2018/05/22/how-urb... > Four-in-ten rural residents say they know all or most of their neighbors; the shares are smaller…

Our block is extremely friendly, but this is honestly that all the kids in the block play together and it brings their parents out to socialize while watching the children. Other blocks in the neighborhood don't seem to be outside at all, and the people who socialize seem to come to this block to do it. Much of it is one specific family who is just outside all the time and are friendly and so they catch a lot of people and get them talking.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#412

Post by bigtex88 » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:03 PM UTC

jutrewag wrote: post #392

balfirevic wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> People really like having a 3,000 square foot detached single family home with a 2 car garage. Sure, I'd like that too. But also, how about 3000 square feet apartment with top-notch sound insulation and a balcony, with an underground garage? That sounds like it would have most of the benefits, I would actually prefer it, as I don't care about yards. And with 10-20 story buildings, you could still have quite a large…

No it’s missing the best part. The outdoors and having a huge backyard. You can’t have any hobbies like woodworking, metalworking, gardening/farming, animal husbandry etc. in that setup.

You're basically saying "we need SFH so that rich people can have room for all of their hobbies. Screw anyone else that wants to live in density!"

That's not helpful and it's woefully ignorant of people's opinions.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#413

Post by 71a54xd » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:04 PM UTC

Times change and friends change. As an adult, I also view ending friendships in a similar manner. Some friendships burn bright others simmer, but the latter group seems to always lead to more sustainable long-term friendships.

Interestingly, college friends who I no longer live near are my most sustainable and closest friends. I still largely believe that the strength of a friendship is largely a function of how long you spent with that person, via your own volition involved in a mutual struggle.

This is why IMO making friends as an adult is hard, because you're either forced to be around them at work (and work relationships are notoriously transactional / forced) or generally if you meet a mutual friend you're trading on some kind of mutual similarity in work / hobbies or because they offer you something in return.

For now, I'll keep living where I want. Who ever wrote this seems to have never lived with a friend as a roommate only to realize that spending too much time with a friend can lead to resentment or the end of the friendship entirely.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#414

Post by vladvasiliu » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:06 PM UTC

lambdasquirrel wrote: post #77

lotsofpulp wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> about American individualism[0] and not wanting to share anything if you don't absolutely have to. I don’t know if this is an American quality specifically. It could just be that Americans can (or used to be able to) afford it, whereas most other people in most other societies never could. For example, what young married couple would want to live in their parents house if they can afford their own? All of my extend…

Well it's great that America tested that out so the rest of the world can see how miserable it is. Europe paid attention. Verdict is still out on China and India.

How so? I live in France and "single-family" dwellings are the norm. I don't know anyone living with their extended family.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#415

Post by phil21 » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:07 PM UTC

ta1243 wrote: post #256

epistasis wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is changing, kids are riding a lot less than in the 00s (here's one of many articles): https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2019/06/04/fewer-kids-... It may be social, in that letting kids roam on their own is not as acceptable and could get you in trouble with courts. Also, "cars" are more dangerous these days, ans they shift into more trucks and SUVs with massive blind spots and distracted drivers, and there…

Helmet rules are a key part to that, it encourages the incorrect belief that riding a bike is dangerous (not to mention being something else to deal with), thus fewer do it

I was an extremely active kid, biking everywhere until the street lights came on pretty much every day.

The helmet safety panic really crushed a lot of my enjoyment of life. Made riding a bike utterly miserable for me - both socially with my peer group at the time, as well as it being massively uncomfortable to wear. Not to mention getting in trouble dozens of times for leaving it at whatever location.

I usually would end up biking outside sight distance of the parents and ditch it under a bush for later retrieval. But once this rule was enforced on me, my biking was severely curtailed as it didn't have the same simple joy of freedom it had beforehand.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#416

Post by prottog » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:09 PM UTC

lynx23 wrote: post #289

coldtea wrote: post #242

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, it's just Fox. Not official crime statistics. Or even Wikipedia: "The American city of Baltimore, Maryland, is notorious for its crime rate, which ranks well above the national average. Violent crime spiked in 2015 after the death of Freddie Gray on April 19, 2015, which touched off riots and an increase in murders. The city recorded 348 homicides in 2019, a number second only to the number recorded in 1993 whe…

I don't understand why people like to bath in drama like this. Yes, there are statistics... But, to be a bit cynic, you can spend your whole life being afraid of everything. But you can not spend the rest of your death being sorry about the decision that led to your demise. IOW, I'd much rather have a burden-free life where I might be a little unlucky and die before I reach the average lifespan... Instead of being ca…

> a burden-free life where I might be a little unlucky and die

Unlucky is being the victim of a random crime that leaves you crippled for life, not a clean death. I follow someone on social media like that, who was shot and left a paraplegic in a high-crime city.

Parts of Baltimore are objectively dangerous and it's not being dramatic to acknowledge that or want to avoid it. At some point it had a higher murder rate than the most murderous countries in the world, like El Salvador or Honduras; coincidentally, people from those countries are seeking a better life in the US, and I don't suppose you would say they should stay and have a burden-free life there?

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#417

Post by dev_daftly » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:10 PM UTC

BenFranklin100 wrote: post #14

Access to friends is probably the biggest reason I prefer dense urban environments. There’s something magical about being able to step out your door and be within a 10-20 minute walk of close friends or family. It invites casual get togethers like Saturday afternoon coffee or an after work drink. Living an hour or two apart kills these opportunities. I recall walking through Vienna one weeknight evening and being ama…

It has nothing to do with "car centric" zoning or bans on density. It's poor zoning policies that split sections by use case. Walk through a more "residential" are in Vienna and there are still commercial/restaurants throughout the neighborhood. Do the same in Chicago and besides a few strips of the neighborhood you won't find anything besides residential. The problem is zoning in American cities tend to be more segmented into different sections by use case which creates a different atmosphere.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#418

Post by dev_daftly » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:11 PM UTC

oriolid wrote: post #234

hackernewds wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> outright bans of denser types of housing makes this lifestyle all but impossible. I'm confused by this take. Most American urban cities are unnecessarily dense - Manhattan, SF, Chicago all squeezed into high rises 1000 occupant buildings.

We must have seen different versions of New York. The one I remember had a few high rises at Manhattan, a lot of lower buildings at the central areas and suburbs of individual houses that extended tens of kilometers to every direction. The difference to for example Hong Kong is huge.

The densest cities in the world have no high-rises.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#419

Post by _trampeltier » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:11 PM UTC

lexapro wrote: post #388

_trampeltier wrote: post #233

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In another discussion about birth rate, somebody wrote something like this here in HN. "It's a lot safer on the street since we drink less and drive. So this saves many lives. But since we drink less, we meet less people and we make fewer children. But this "never born" children are in no statistic."

A person being killed and a person not being born are not the same thing at all.

I did not say "does not matter / it's the same". It was more like a point, how one thing (less alcohol) might does influece something else (fewer children).

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#420

Post by dathinab » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 3:11 PM UTC

> We Seek Solutions Within the Family Unit — Not Outside of It

I think one problem is that in the recent 50-100 years (at least in the "west") we messed up what family means.

In the past it was a non small support group, consisting of old and young people, people you are related to _and people you are not related to_ but which where "like family" for you and other family members.

But today the picture of family (as a support net) is often parents + children, maybe grant parent/grant children if they exist and that's it. I have seen enough situations where even the long term spouse of a child wasn't seen anymore as part of the family.

To make matters worse the internet is fully of people trying to spread hate and division, telling you to not accept at all anyone doing anything you don't agree with. But family isn't about accepting or finding it good what they do it's about being there to help them if they really need help, and in turn them being also there for you if needed.