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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#261

Post by ivix »

tastysandwich wrote: post #47

I'm talkative, outgoing and pretty funny in real life. I think I can say that people generally enjoy my company. But I only have about three friends, and I see them maybe four times a year. I really get along with my coworkers and enjoy their company at work. My wife thinks I should make more friends. But the truth is (and I suspect this is pretty common with HN'ers), I don't want more friends! Because in addition to…

I think this is the answer for me. You kind of want friends, but at the same time you don't want to have to put any obligations or effort in and definitely don't want to feel forced to hang out with them.

I think we want the kind of friends who would be fine with a quarterly meetup for a fun activity, and little contact or obligation outside of that time.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#262

Post by emptyfile »

majikaja wrote: post #221

As someone with a young child this thread feels really odd. I can't imagine the time to ponder such things in between a full time job and parenting (no, 'friends' are not necessary to start a family). What are you all expecting? That you meet a bunch of compatible people and your everyday lives become like the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Or is it a desire for more of an emotional co-dependency wi…

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#263

Post by ponow »

jongjong wrote: post #140

I feel like it has more to do with having a surplus of time and resources. When you're in school, you have more time to hang out with people and every interaction isn't tainted by the reality of having to compete over limited resources. As an adult, you are responsible for acquiring your own resources so every relationship is tainted by economic competition. I suspect that rich people have more friends for this reaso…

> capitalism forces us to become resource-oriented

This doesn't ring true, if only for the simple reason that even sub-median wealth people are now much more materially wealthy than, say, a thousand years ago, even two hundred years ago or less.

The need for two income is a huge time & energy drain for families, making it difficult to socialize. There was a post-WW2 sweet spot where you could live well on one income, and you didn't have to have many years of education. The US peace dividend was part of it, but I think that regulations that limit the housing supply and cause inflation are a major impetus for people working more to keep up their lifestyle.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#264

Post by ravenstine »

GourSE wrote: post #216

> There's this phenomenon called homohysteria, which is the fear of being perceived as gay that I think really, really is destructive for men's friendships This is so true, some people even speak that out, something like "They're so close they're so gay," but the truth is this makes people afraid to connect with a dude. it is not like gays are bad, but when you're not gay, you wouldn't want others to assume that you…

I don't think this fear is entirely unjustified.

Some people have remarked about whether a good friend of mine and I are gay because we hang out 1-on-1 a lot. This is in California, BTW, where one might believe the current politics would discourage people from making assumptions.

It's a good thing it doesn't upset me, given I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay.

What does bother me, though, is how easily people will sexualize adult male friendships. Women are allowed to have close female friends and interact with them in ways where, if guys did the same, someone might think "bro, u homo?"

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#265

Post by LeanderK »

whstl wrote: post #133
F-W-M wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I live in germany and work in an international company. I am the only german on my team. A lot of the younger colleagues blame their difficulties on making friends on german racism and stay in their expat circles, but the truth is: it's hard for everyone here.

I'm an expat (immigrant?) in Germany. IME expat circles are a problem in itself. People who cling to them end up leaving much quicker than people who mingle with natives, or mingle with people from other nationalities. Not only you don't make long-term friends in those circles (because people are constantly leaving the country), but there's a lot of negativity and shit talking. You need to at least make an attempt to…

it mirrors a bit the experience I had in university with foreign students/phd students. Some immigrants are only friends with immigrants from the same country and it was surprising to hear that after spending years (sometimes BSc/Msc/Phd or Work) they are completely unable to say a single word in german, have no german friends etc. Usually very unapproachable und uncomfortable to talk to.

Others with mixed groups of friends were way more approachable, I was surprised by some how well they are able to speak the language after just a few years.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#266

Post by cies »

ponow wrote: post #256
cies wrote: post #198

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Intellectuals in south asia are just great people. Good discussions, open minded attitude (not too closed off by culture and religion), and a general distrust of the state. Just my .02

Intellectuals in the US love the state, or at least act like they do.

Clear sign your not intellectual "enough" :)

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#267

Post by sys32768 »

One of my problems is that I think I have a friend. We have great fun together and seem to match, but eventually I realize I'm initiating all contact.

So I stop initiating and wait for the signal that they want to hang out.

Crickets.

I do plan to join a photography club although most everyone is older married couples. Still, nice folk, and a hobby I find joy in.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#268

Post by fortuna86 »

the_only_law wrote: post #55
projectazorian wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. Maybe this used to work, but it no longer does. I'm a regular at several local hangouts, hit the gym several days a week, and go out to other activities regularly. I rarely have conversations with anyone beyond perfunctory pleasantries wit…

> since COVID people almost exclusively stick to themselves or the group they came with. I’ve noticed the same thing. I used to go out a lot, loved to out talk to people, maybe a party a bit. Sometimes I’d go with a group, often times I’d go out alone. It used to be pretty common if you were alone on a weekend, someone would invite you to come sit and chat with them. Post-covid though I’ve pretty much stopped going o…

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#269

Post by barbariangrunge »

enduser wrote: post #252
silisili wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same sentiment exactly. Not to sound rude, but I don't -want- more friends, and it feels bad rejecting people who reach out. I already feel like there aren't enough hours in a day, and selfishly want to hoard my time to myself. My wife and I are polar opposites in that regard. She can never seem to have enough friends, and they talk often. I think one big difference is how people are with nothingness. Because no matt…

One thing I learned from reading Jung and not just the MBTI stuff based on his work is his core distinction between introversion and extroversion: Introverts have an inner model of the world. Extroverts rely directly on the world. It doesn’t mean that extroverts like people more or that introverts necessarily prefer being alone. It’s just that for extroverts, when nothing external is happening it’s like a little deat…

Recommend a book? I never knew where to start with jung. Also, was his work research based or was it mostly speculative?

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#270

Post by anthomtb »

legerdemain wrote: post #128
nostromo wrote: post #82

Join a sports team and stick with it. You’ll have lots of friends in no time. Being part of a team and working on something together that’s not work and doing it consistently over years is key. I see the same group of fifty people two times a week, rain or shine. Over time you’ll naturally develop close friends without having to awkwardly force it. Added benefit: consistent exercise.

I have never played a sport outside of gym class. When I went to local sports meetups, I mostly found people practicing the sports they played in high school or college. I sucked by comparison, and it showed.

> and stick with it

I think this is the key here. You're going to be the FNG ( New Guy) for a while. So choose your sport and level wisely. Most leagues that I have come across have at least two, if not three or four, levels. Where, say, the "A" level is for folks that played in high school, maybe even college, while the "C" level is going to be accommodating to someone who is just picking up the sport as an adult.

And really, sucking at the sport could be advantageous in terms of socializing. "Hey, anyone want to run some skill drills next Wednesday evening? We'll meet at at 6:00 PM, practice for an hour, and if anyone's up for it we can go to afterwards." Yeah, you might only get one or two takers if most of the folks have kids but that's just part of adult socializing.

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