Making friends as an adult is hard (2021) • Hacker News Board

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#231

Post by cableshaft » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 12:49 PM UTC

lynx23 wrote: post #182

stonekyx wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Language is a major factor, yes. Another factor I think is whether you come from a “welcomed” country. Under the current chaotic world order, it’s not hard to come up with a few countries that are not welcomed almost anywhere (Disclaimer: I come from one of them). But still, start with some people that are close with you, either at work or in private, and try to expand that circle to larger / more diverse groups. The…

I am honestly curious, what countries do you refer to when you say not-welcomed countries? The first thing that came to mind was Germany, but I am guessing you were not talking about that... Never forget that hostilities towards people from specific countries is a rather subjective phenomenon. What is religion to one person, is completely unacceptable to others.

Here's a few possibilities:

There's still a lot of hatred towards Middle Eastern people because 'they're all terrorists', although it seems to me that has died down a bit. From the posts of a local Arab woman I'm friends with on Facebook, it still seems pretty bad here, just not quite as blatant anymore.

Chinese hate ramped up again since 2020, with all the talk about them being the enemy of the US on the right and many people blaming the country for Covid-19.

And while I think most people try not to hold anything against the Russian people for the Russian invasion of Ukraine, (especially Russians that have left the country), there will quite a few that won't. I can imagine if you're Ukranian you probably will struggle to be friendly with any Russian right now, for example.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#232

Post by tonyhb » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:00 PM UTC

yieldcrv wrote: post #81

shalmanese wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I had in friends in SF that tried, I just couldn't get on board with their concept of fun I wasn't into board game night, I also tried DnD which was ok but what an arduous turn based system and ritual, the weeknight bars were meh (to me), weeknight nightlife was pathetic compared to actual “world class” cities, some of my friends did well in the bouldering scene, there was a time when I was interested in free pizza a…

I don’t think cities that gather the “I like money” folk have really ever attracted interesting people, or another way: money doesn’t make people interesting.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#233

Post by zmmmmm » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:01 PM UTC

saiya-jin wrote: post #176

silisili wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same sentiment exactly. Not to sound rude, but I don't -want- more friends, and it feels bad rejecting people who reach out. I already feel like there aren't enough hours in a day, and selfishly want to hoard my time to myself. My wife and I are polar opposites in that regard. She can never seem to have enough friends, and they talk often. I think one big difference is how people are with nothingness. Because no matt…

We introverts have an easy life with ourselves, completely at peace with oneself, never bored. Extroverts dread this, they need external stimulus to feel alive, alone they get bored and depressed quickly. Hand in hand with that go things like imagination, alone you simply have much more time to train it. As I grew up, I realized how stupid and immature it is to try to blend with the rest of the crowd, where extrovert…

I remember at some point (as an introvert) my mental model of extroverts flipped and I suddenly began to see them not as super humans but almost like disabled people. Unable to function independently because of a severe deficit in their mental makeup that makes them unable to sustain happiness without supplementary support from presence of other individuals. I still envy them in certain ways but now I have a much more balanced view of it than when I was younger and I really felt like something was wrong with me.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#234

Post by swozey » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:07 PM UTC

chimprich wrote: post #200

aroundtown wrote: post #66

I've moved 4 times in my adult life. The two biggest issues I've had with making friends is the lack of a gathering place for like minded people, and being accepted by existing cliques. If you don't drink, go to church, or have kids, it is damned hard to find a place to hang out and meet other 30-40 year olds.

I've never made any friends at a "gathering place". I think most people show up to bars, restaurants, or anything like that with people they already know. Apart from meeting friends through existing friends (the "acquire your second million first" problem), by the far the best (if not only) way I've found to make friends is through shared-interest clubs. If you show up frequently to events where you have shared inter…

> I've never made any friends at a "gathering place". I think most people show up to bars, restaurants, or anything like that with people they already know.

It's probably my prior military force-learned charisma but I almost exclusively go to bars alone and almost always make a friend or two when I'm out. I don't like going to bars with other people often, they can meet me there but if I'm expected to only interact with one person I feel like I'm babysitting and have to keep them entertained whereas I'm a social butterfly and bounce around to a number of different people at bars alone.

But I will say I'm probably more uncommon than people who come in groups, especially in my new city that has less transplants- it's hard to break into friend groups when they've known one another for 5-10-20+ years.

Problem with bar friends is you might not have any shared interests aside from going out and drinking, movies, simple stuff vs your other options. And so you might not ever become closer friends than bar-buds.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#235

Post by adave » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:08 PM UTC

csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

An introverts nightmare is to meet random folks along with other and without a purpose.Call a spade a spade, its a group event and that itself is even harder than 1-1 hang.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#236

Post by pnt12 » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:10 PM UTC

reacharavindh wrote: post #127

Oh how very true. I’m going through at this very moment. As a dad(of a 4 year old), having moved to a new city during COVID, it has been a struggle to find friends. Although I do attend a few meet-ups every now and then, play tennis in a group, take Dutch classes, I just could not meet anyone often enough to become friends with. Whenever I try to organise something to hangout, it’s a nightmare to find a time that wor…

Trying to schedule things with people gets harder with each new element. So I usually schedule with my best friends (3 people) and just let the rest know about it: if they can join, cool, if they can't, there's always next time.

But I've disconnected from some people who are really bad at this, eg asking for lots of changes and rarely taking initiatives. I'm an introvert and reaching out to distant friends feels weird to me, even if it happens the conversation doesn't flow.

(but one thing that helps me is pushing myself to thinking out loud, instead of being insecure of what to talk about. Weird topics sometimes make the best chats)

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#237

Post by adave » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:11 PM UTC

yieldcrv wrote: post #81

shalmanese wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I had in friends in SF that tried, I just couldn't get on board with their concept of fun I wasn't into board game night, I also tried DnD which was ok but what an arduous turn based system and ritual, the weeknight bars were meh (to me), weeknight nightlife was pathetic compared to actual “world class” cities, some of my friends did well in the bouldering scene, there was a time when I was interested in free pizza a…

Curious,where did you end up both physically and profesisonally.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#238

Post by JKCalhoun » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:12 PM UTC

tastysandwich wrote: post #47

I'm talkative, outgoing and pretty funny in real life. I think I can say that people generally enjoy my company. But I only have about three friends, and I see them maybe four times a year. I really get along with my coworkers and enjoy their company at work. My wife thinks I should make more friends. But the truth is (and I suspect this is pretty common with HN'ers), I don't want more friends! Because in addition to…

The older I get the less I find I need friends.

My old friends and I share a common history that goes way back. We were dumb teens in the 70's and 80's and so have a shared experience of those decades and that stupid shit we did.

We act as foils for one another — how one friend turned out differently than another while coming from the same background.

And also, and more importantly as we age, old friends remind us that we have more in common despite those ways in which we turned out differently. Money and status fall by the wayside when you get past 50.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#239

Post by yakshemash » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:17 PM UTC

akvadrako wrote: post #172

lannisterstark wrote: post #138

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ugh, no thanks personally. I know that the friend I'm hanging out with will get my jokes - inside jokes, weird humor etc. Now I have to worry about an entire group, some of whom may not like my humor, and now I have to put on the 'you're in public, be brusque and minimal' anxiety filled mask, and can't open up as I would in 1-1 or 1-2 with a friend or just a couple of friends. Now add that to other people invited who…

This is a weird persective for me, who mostly hangs out in groups. I've never thought about having to impress each individual member of the group at once or that I should be brusque; I dont even know what that means. And we have plenty of inside jokes and weird humor.

I am firmly in GP's camp, but I think this difference has more to do with introverted vs extroverted personality types than weird vs. not weird perspectives. Some people find it hard to express themselves in group environment because group environments tend to be highly competitive for 'air time', at which introverts are at a great disadvantage.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#240

Post by cafard » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:17 PM UTC

reacharavindh wrote: post #127

Oh how very true. I’m going through at this very moment. As a dad(of a 4 year old), having moved to a new city during COVID, it has been a struggle to find friends. Although I do attend a few meet-ups every now and then, play tennis in a group, take Dutch classes, I just could not meet anyone often enough to become friends with. Whenever I try to organise something to hangout, it’s a nightmare to find a time that wor…

School may help as your child gets older. We've lost touch with a lot of people we knew that way--they moved or their kids left the school. But we knew a lot of people that way.