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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#211
post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's 1.5 to 2 couples. I haven't had a lot of single coworkers who also do brunch instead of, say, DOTA.

Is "couples" the reason? I (implicitly, no idea why now that you bring it up) read the other descriptions of weeklies as not-with-partner events. Perhaps not strictly not-with-partner, but default without. "Couples" puts everybody in involuntary performance mode. It starts super harmless, the "and" element (the side in a couple that came along) having a natural desire to be good with the friends of their partner (the…

You're absolutely right. I got invited to so many couple things with my partner and they're all the same, too nicey-nice, no real banter.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#212
post #177

Oh how very true. I’m going through at this very moment. As a dad(of a 4 year old), having moved to a new city during COVID, it has been a struggle to find friends. Although I do attend a few meet-ups every now and then, play tennis in a group, take Dutch classes, I just could not meet anyone often enough to become friends with. Whenever I try to organise something to hangout, it’s a nightmare to find a time that wor…

Bumble has a BFF option.

It's a bit sad/psycho killer.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#213
post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am curious what you do for a living, why, and what would you rather do (or not do). Ignoring social factors, is there anything you would like to change?

I'm not them but I work in tech, its lucrative Its not social anxiety for me, its asociality. It turns out the reason could be genetic. I talked to my mom recently, she said she came from a "line of sociopaths". I think she's exaggerating but I got the idea. Her father had multiple wives, and at least 3 male offspring still alive sound like me. My closest cousin has no friends and lives as a hikkikomori in his mid-30…

Maybe stop navel-gazing and use your money to go somewhere like Japan and get a girl (assuming you're male) knocked up or something so you don't have so much free time to mope about you not having a same-sex comfort blanket.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#214
post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Their shortest run is the 3.5-miler on Wednesdays. That's kind of the best I can do on a good day. Their other runs are at least twice as long. I don't think this is my jam, and I say that as someone who ran a 5k every day for three months last year to be able to enjoy literally this group.

Reach out to the group and see if you could lead a more casual run distance as part of their Wednesday run. The run groups I've been a part of were receptive to things like that. The more important aspect of the run was the general finish time and not the distance.

Most of the ones that pop up on Meetup for me (and I'm referring to hiking groups, not running groups, I can't run for very long at all) seem to pick trail routes that will be at least 5-8 miles long, and you risk getting lost if you have to stop early, or they insist on a specific fast pace in the description, or it's an hour drive away just to get there, or they're in the middle of the day on a weekday, which I pretty much can't ever do.

Pretty rare I find one of these that are both around 3 miles (about my limit most days unless I'm at a park all day with breaks, my feet and sometimes lower back start getting pretty sore) and a more casual pace. I do attend those that I find, though. But that tends to be like 3 per year. Kind of defeats the purpose of making friends in these groups.

I don't think I've found any that are just 'go as far as you want and we'll meet you back at the local Starbucks' though, at least not near me.

Here's the next few upcoming, as an example:

"6 mile Hike Not a Beginner's hike" - (Tuesday midday)

"About 4.5- or 5-miles total" - (Tuesday midday)

"Walk about 2 miles" (but Tuesday midday and 45 minutes away, can't drive there, hike 2 miles, and drive back during a workday)

"We will be hiking 4.5 miles at a faster pace (3.75 mph) dependent on trail conditions." - (Evening, but fast pace and a bit too long)

"6.5 miles with shorter options" - (from the map it looks like the shorter option is "turn back around", it's one big loop. it's on a Sunday but it's also over an hour drive away from me)

No mention of meeting anywhere afterwards in any of those.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#215
I'm fortunate, in being involved in a Fellowship that forces many folks, that would otherwise, never have anything to do with each other, together.

I have made many friends. A lot of these friendships are decades old. Many of these folks are ones that have huge differences from me, in things like politics and religion; yet we've still got each others' backs, and it is always a genuine pleasure to meet.

That's why work is a great fulcrum for friendship. A shared task/values thing is way to find common ground.

If we don't have work, one of my most common suggestions, is to get involved in nonprofit/volunteer work.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#216
> There's this phenomenon called homohysteria, which is the fear of being perceived as gay that I think really, really is destructive for men's friendships

This is so true, some people even speak that out, something like "They're so close they're so gay," but the truth is this makes people afraid to connect with a dude. it is not like gays are bad, but when you're not gay, you wouldn't want others to assume that you are.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#217
post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Bumble has a BFF option.

I tried this at one point and it was a bad experience. It was mostly gay men. While I'm not against being friends with anyone who is gay, I very much got the feeling most people on there were looking for something different than I was.

I’ve used it and met some relatively normal (and straight) dudes. You’re right, the majority of the men using it are gay, and often fairly predatory with their intentions, but if you’re discerning you’re able to find folks there to hang out, not hook up.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#218

Or you could just get out of your house naked, without any money, and start riding your tall bike outside the city and asking for help. A french dude just filmed himself doing that a few years ago. Joke aside, you don't even have to be nude or ride an eccentric bike. Touring without a motorized vehicle and asking for directions/food/shelter is a great way to start conversations and meet new people. And you don't need…

Pro tip a friend let me in on: carry a guitar with you. Good if you can play it a little. If you are a man it makes you seem less threatening. People tend to be more open and friendly.

A ukulele for the portable factor :)

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#219

I feel like it has more to do with having a surplus of time and resources. When you're in school, you have more time to hang out with people and every interaction isn't tainted by the reality of having to compete over limited resources. As an adult, you are responsible for acquiring your own resources so every relationship is tainted by economic competition. I suspect that rich people have more friends for this reaso…

> In communist countries, I suspect that regular people form strong friendships because there are no good mechanisms to extract resources from each other

It is the opposite. If money doesn't buy you anything, it is knowing people that buys you everything. Look up the meaning of the word "блат".

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#220
post #48

I have no friends. I moved again in the last year. I have my brother, my parents, and my wife. It’s really hard to make good quality friends. Honestly, I couldn’t be bothered right now to invest that kind of time and effort. I hope that changes one day, but at this rate I’ll probably make friends among the parents of my kids friends one day. I just have other priorities now. I’m content, and I have a solid marriage.…

> make good quality friends Maybe your putting to much emphasis on good and quality and filtering them? Like you already know friends come and go. Who cares if they're good and quality(ok to some degree... but the average person isn't immoral) As long as you can hang out and do something you should be good. They're friends, your not having a kid with them. I think when we were younger, well me atleast, there was a hu…

Look at the five or six people closest to you. That’s where your life is going. Friends have a huge influence over how we develop as humans, it is critically important that you choose friends with whom you would be happy if you ended up like them. So I’m very picky about who I’m friends with. I can be friendly to everyone, but friends with a select few.
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