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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#191

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Seems to be a thing: https://www.meetup.com/mountain-view-area-runclub/

Their shortest run is the 3.5-miler on Wednesdays. That's kind of the best I can do on a good day. Their other runs are at least twice as long. I don't think this is my jam, and I say that as someone who ran a 5k every day for three months last year to be able to enjoy literally this group.

All the wording on that meetup page says to me "come run with us". 3.5 miles and then back to Starbucks to chat for 25 minutes sounds just about right. Most people will have driven, so if you turn around earlier you can be back at starbucks for chatting.

It will take a few times of showing up to make friends. It kind of feels like walking into a workplace cafeteria where people eat together everyday, what they're talking about or laughing about is something they've talked or laughed about previously, so all the details are missing and they're just asking about X or Y updates.

I encourage you to go, at least a few times. Read "how to win friends and influence people" and "The Charisma Myth" before your first one if you need a "how the heck do I deal with new people" boost.

Send me a picture of your running group photo at Christmas and it'll make my year!

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#192

Or you could just get out of your house naked, without any money, and start riding your tall bike outside the city and asking for help. A french dude just filmed himself doing that a few years ago. Joke aside, you don't even have to be nude or ride an eccentric bike. Touring without a motorized vehicle and asking for directions/food/shelter is a great way to start conversations and meet new people. And you don't need…

Pro tip a friend let me in on: carry a guitar with you. Good if you can play it a little. If you are a man it makes you seem less threatening. People tend to be more open and friendly.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#193

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When I lived in LA I went to a beach dodgeball meetup organized by Herbalife MLM "health coaches". It was actually a rather positive experience. I biked out three mornings a week for many months, and played dodgeball and then did high intensity exercises in the sand. Afterward I would go to their gym and pay $5 for a protein shake, and socialize with an eclectic bunch of people completely unlike me. I lost 40lb, coul…

Man, I have been approached by guys like this, we have a good conversation, then they try to sell me something. The last few times someone has struck up a conversation with me out of nowhere it was to try and sell me something. I go to the gym every other day during lunch. Been doing it for years. Literally the only people that have ever talked to me were these MLM bros. It made me feel profoundly sad the last time i…

I can't say I really made any deep friendships, but they were fun "fair weather friends" to go to the bar with in my 20's. I'd say about half the people involved in that crowd were vapid. The other half were misfits desperate for a community. I myself appreciated the intense social focus on health and exercise, and the radical diversity of thought compared to my work social circle. At the time I was relatively dissatisfied with the types of projects getting dumped on me at work, and I was lonely from lack of meaningful relationships. So, it was a great way to tweak my work-life balance and avoid depression.

I think I was able to assimilate myself into their group because of my utter lack of agenda. I was as foreign to them as they were to me, but I was easy to talk to because I would offer a sympathetic ear or a witty joke rather than claim to have a lucrative nutritional solution. I also think there was some aspect of novelty to it that they enjoyed. I was the guy whose day job was making rocket ships, hanging out and taking an interest in their lives.

Here's something to keep in mind about those bros approaching you in the gym. It's a hustle, but they aren't trying to scam you. They're likely being genuine within the framework of their own life experiences. They've been taught that selling to strangers is their path to success. They are the foot soldiers in an army, following orders trickling down from ruthless generals aware the soldiers are probably going to die. When I went to that Herbalife convention, there were 2000 young people in a hotel conference hall all frantically taking notes. From my perspective, though, the speakers said nothing of substantial meaning. It was 100% affirmation. Thousands of pens writing it all down in notebooks. It was quite amazing for me to experience. If you're curious, next time someone like that approaches you at the gym, maybe give them the benefit of the doubt? Don't sign up for their MLM obviously, but don't be afraid of them either. If you're into protein shakes, throw $20 cash their way so they can move some inventory. If not, then politely decline. Either way, when you wrap up the conversation, ask them for their names again and give them a fist bump. Next time you see them in the gym, ask them for a spot, or say hi and just ask how the hustle is going. Embrace them as gym bros, and enjoy their company.

The girl that made the meetup posting was a single mother that had gotten pregnant as a teenager. She was trying to get out from being dependent on her own parents, and was focused on getting back into shape for the "bikini pageant" circuit she used to participate in. She was always friendly to me, but we had pretty much zero in common, and she obviously hoped I would join the MLM. She invited me to her birthday party and nobody talked about nutritional supplements there, so I think we were friends.

Her roommate Carlos was tall, handsome and ripped, and many of the girls in the group seemed to swoon for him. He also seemed like a genuinely friendly guy, if not a bit mysterious, and while we never had any memorable conversations, it was always nice to just quietly hang out in a dive bar on a Tuesday night and play pool or darts.

There was one guy that moved to LA to become an actor and comedian, but he worked as a waiter. When he first arrived he was pudgy and physically weak and lacked confidence. He was obsessed with one of the more seemingly vapid but gorgeous girls. She had him wrapped around her finger, but she obviously had her own eyes on Carlos. He was great entertainment when drunk, due to the self-awareness of his own mediocrity and his inherent desire to entertain. By the time I lost contact with him, he was lean and muscular, and successfully working as a Harry Potter look-a-like for hire.

There was a notably short girl who I thought had a quick wit and weird sense of humor. She seemed incapable of making any deep connections with anyone, though, because she was hung up bad on her ex-boyfriend, a guy almost twice her height. There was some overlap between my work circle and Herbalife circle at the local climbing gym, and my work friends knew that guy as "the Herbalife a-hole". He was even still driving her car around after 6 months. Hanging around at the climbing gym most days clinging on to her ex, she was a reliable bouldering buddy when I stopped by occasionally. With her suggestions I managed to complete some advanced dynamic routes that I still don't believe I was ever physically capable of.

There were some older, middle aged people always around at the beach workouts. I never interacted with them beyond pleasantries. They were the "lieutenants" of the MLM army, high enough in the organization that they were actually making some money. They would "mentor" the lower level recruits, providing the stereotypical unhealthy MLM pressure to sell-sell-sell. They were the a-holes that the climbing gym a-hole wanted to be.

There was another girl that seemed bright and interesting, perhaps even mature enough compared to the others to describe as a woman. She had the unique distinction of being the only female in that group that didn't deflect when I invited her out for a meal. It was a pleasant time, but didn't develop into anything friendship or otherwise.

When one guy joined the group, he was horribly depressed and had bandaids on his fingers from harming himself. He had a day job working on costuming for movies, and had recently had a bad experience interacting with a certain A list movie star. He had a rather peculiar hobby of producing avant garde LEGO figurine comic strips and posting them on Instagram. He was probably the most interesting person I met from that group, and we regularly chatted at gatherings. After a couple months of torturing himself with intense exercise, he seemed a lot happier and gave up his less healthy endorphin chasing habits. He had also built up a considerable Instagram following, and apparently even had some local groupies. Toward the end it all sounded pretty weird, but I was happy for him.

It's not quite true that I didn't form any strong friendships from that group. I met my friend Oliver when he showed up to one of the dodgeball games for similar reasons to why I did. We had a ton of common interests, though. We attended the same university, both worked in aerospace at the time, and both like computer games as a hobby. He was in the Air Force, now in the Space Force. He used to drive the "blue buses" on campus, and once unknowingly ripped a Prius in half while backing up without a spotter. He has three degrees, including one in performance violin. We aren't in regular contact since we're both married with kids in different parts of the country now, but we'll still get together and catch up every few years when it's convenient.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#195
post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Bumble has a BFF option.

I tried this at one point and it was a bad experience. It was mostly gay men. While I'm not against being friends with anyone who is gay, I very much got the feeling most people on there were looking for something different than I was.

This is why bolting on a "friends" feature on a dating app wouldnt work. It must be a solely dedicated place with explicit purpose of making friends based on interests to remove the anxiety of "What would they think if I said this?"

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#196

I'm a loner, always wondered what are friends talking about when meeting? Looks like 1) exchanging news, some useful information 2) emotional support, bragging and getting cheered 3) shi!!ing on mutual enemies/outsiders. Did I catch the essence?

Plan the revolution and then postpone it because sadly we got too drunk.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#197
All of my adult friends are from previous jobs. And I mean - friends. We have Slack channels and grab drinks and lunches once in a while to catch up. We visit each other's big life events.

You can't just bond with someone over work - you need to regularly grab after-office drinks, open up and develop trust. And when you are older and busier - bonding over food is also effective.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#198

Is it easier in India? I have to actively avoid getting invites from people and feel bad when I refuse. I’m a native and if I travel to a new city I can make friends in a jiffy. I’m a 28 yo male and still not choosing to commit to marriage and this argument about finding friends later scares me at times. Is it really true? Does the depth of connection vary? I also was in Germany about half the year in 22 and for sure…

Intellectuals in south asia are just great people. Good discussions, open minded attitude (not too closed off by culture and religion), and a general distrust of the state. Just my .02

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#199
post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

> One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang.

What about a church? They do the weekly hang pretty much every Sunday.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#200

I've moved 4 times in my adult life. The two biggest issues I've had with making friends is the lack of a gathering place for like minded people, and being accepted by existing cliques. If you don't drink, go to church, or have kids, it is damned hard to find a place to hang out and meet other 30-40 year olds.

I've never made any friends at a "gathering place". I think most people show up to bars, restaurants, or anything like that with people they already know.

Apart from meeting friends through existing friends (the "acquire your second million first" problem), by the far the best (if not only) way I've found to make friends is through shared-interest clubs.

If you show up frequently to events where you have shared interests, it becomes very likely that you'll make friends with some of the other regulars.

Bonus points if:

   - it's not too big a group (more chance of interaction)
   - shared exercise, like a sports group (endorphins help with bonding)
   - involves weekends or other trips away (living together briefly helps a lot)
   - niche interest (small network)
  - completing tasks together (work also counts here)
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