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Why don’t more people live close to friends?

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Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#131

Post by kodah »

naremu wrote: post #25

I've been wondering how related these feelings of distance and isolation in the middle of society are to how the area is designed. I had always known for a long time the "why" I didn't want to go out on weekends and such, but it wasn't until I watched some of those videos from "Not Just Bikes" that it really, really struck me. I literally dread finding parking more than I enjoy finding friends. And suburban (and fran…

> And suburban (and frankly disturbingly high percentages of urban) America IME is a strange cross between in constant proximity of others, and constant suspicion of others

When I lived in San Jose I trusted my immediate neighbors but someone on the street was basically a neighborhood watchdog for unkept lawns and cars that were parked too long. The neighborhood was mostly rentals, so landlords were responsible for lawn maintenance but of course these watchdog folks like to take their frustrations out on other renters. Our neighborhood never got together, just immediate neighbors, and people that lived close enough would Uber.

In contrast, when I lived in one of the poorer areas of Fort Worth and now living in the more working class area of Portland my trust for my entire street is sky high. We have friends, people help out and look out for each other. We have block parties, if there's disputes people talk it out, etc

All three are walkable places, and I live most of my life inside 5 city blocks. I'm not sure what factors make a successful community on a given street, but there are certain people that can make the entire experience miserable through seemingly insignificant actions (to them).

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#132

Post by lmpdev »

scarface74 wrote: post #106
rcarr wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here’s another thing no one talks about because it’s taboo: drink driving. Right up until the mid 70s, it was completely socially acceptable to drink and drive. Now I agree that it was probably a good thing that’s it’s been banned, but having to pay for and organise transportation to go to whatever event it is you want to go to adds another substantial layer of friction to socialising. Not to mention the fact that th…

Uber makes things a lot simpler.

At least here in Brisbane, Australia, it went from $5-10/ride at the peak of VC funding mania to $25-50/ride now

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#133

Post by [deleted] »

earthboundkid wrote: post #130
rcarr wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here’s another thing no one talks about because it’s taboo: drink driving. Right up until the mid 70s, it was completely socially acceptable to drink and drive. Now I agree that it was probably a good thing that’s it’s been banned, but having to pay for and organise transportation to go to whatever event it is you want to go to adds another substantial layer of friction to socialising. Not to mention the fact that th…

Move to Baltimore, my friend. There are at least six bars within five blocks of my house. You’d have to get pretty sloshed to not be able to make the walk back.

[deleted]

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#134

Post by coldtea »

earthboundkid wrote: post #130
rcarr wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here’s another thing no one talks about because it’s taboo: drink driving. Right up until the mid 70s, it was completely socially acceptable to drink and drive. Now I agree that it was probably a good thing that’s it’s been banned, but having to pay for and organise transportation to go to whatever event it is you want to go to adds another substantial layer of friction to socialising. Not to mention the fact that th…

Move to Baltimore, my friend. There are at least six bars within five blocks of my house. You’d have to get pretty sloshed to not be able to make the walk back.

Yeah, totally safe walking drunk in Baltimore at night...

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#135

Post by Gigachad »

marcell wrote: post #50
moralestapia wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

"Friendship" doesn't happen in a vacuum. You need dependence and value exchange between two "friends." Technology has replaced most of our needs and dependence on other people, with great economic benefit. The downside is it eliminates the need for other humans, and consequently removes the potential for fulfilling relationships. Just two example out of millions: Uber reduces the need to have friends drive you to the…

I've always thought about the fact how it used to be super common to ask a stranger for directions somewhere, something that would be completely ridiculous today given the ability to find anything yourself. So now when I happens I recognize that they aren't strictly just looking to get somewhere, but to talk to someone.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#136

Post by bufio »

carrolldunham wrote: post #82

I always get pushback for this but I think the idea that adults 'hang out with friends' is a meme from sitcoms. I think people grew up absorbing sitcom premises as representing life. I look at my parents and grandparents they don't have many friends - there's one or two people they see once or twice a year. That's normal. Having 3-5 people who you catch up with regularly through the week and hang out like teenagers,…

That's how life was before smartphones.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#137

Post by wincy »

dopidopHN wrote: post #67
zamnos wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a bit of an unconventional POV, but I don't consider large areas of suburban sprawl to be cities but just really big towns. This covers Houston, swaths of Atlanta, lots of Southern California. There are lots of people living there compared to rural areas, to be sure, but without the density to support usable public transportation (once-an-hour buses don't count), it's really not a city at all. It's endless su…

I don’t think it’s unconventional, it’s just a definition of suburbs. Worse of both world in my book. Unless you want to raise your kid in isolation.

How? My eight year old daughter gets to roam free and has seven or eight different kids she plays with on a weekly basis. A few of them daily. We’re not worried about her getting carried off because the area is super safe. We lived in the city before and it was dangerous and the neighbor had a crazy pitbull chained up that’d break out all the time so we couldn’t let her out of the house. It’s also very diverse, her friends parents are from Ukraine, India, Jordan, Vietnam, China, and those are just the people I’ve met. The American suburbs are an excellent place to raise children.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#138

Post by kristianp »

irrational wrote: post #96
nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

If your neighbors will allow you to be friends. Our next door neighbor moved in 2 years ago. We happened to be outside when they first arrived. A man for out of the car to open the garage door while a woman stayed in the car staring straight ahead. We tried to engage, but he ignored us, drove into the garage, and shut the door. Since then we have never spoken to them since. Sometimes we will see the man in the middle…

We have neighbours like that. Some people are just super introverted.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#139

Post by noirbot »

schlowmo wrote: post #84

One aspect of this which I find myself often think about is that it takes some deliberation with whom you want to spend your time when you get older if you're not living the usual family life. I'm in my thirties now and sometimes it feels like there's plenty of time to figure this out. But most of my closest friends are somewhat older than me. Almost none of them have started a family in the traditional sense. Most o…

Yea, I think I feel this from the other direction. I'm not that much older than a lot of my friends, but I've lost many of them over the years to marriages and children. Many of them moved across the country or at least a large distance away to facilitate that, but even the ones who stayed nearby justifiably made their life about their spouse or children over their friends, and there was often little to be done to keep myself involved in their life.

On the other end, I've also dealt with many long-term couples without kids who have gone through messy breakups after 5-15 years of relationship, which often left all of their friendships in tatters, if if they didn't move away entirely and cut all contact.

Add to that that many of the single folks I'm friends with are increasingly desperately trying to find a partner and sacrificing time with their friends to make that happen.

I'm not sure what the answer is. I'm now in a zone where I don't want to move because I don't have somewhere to move to that has more than a couple people I know, and I wouldn't want to lean on them so hard to be my social connection, but increasingly the folks I know where I live now are leaving, physically or emotionally, to make their own life without me.

It's understandable but consistently brutal how fast you can go from someone's best friend to someone they haven't remembered to respond to in months as soon as they have a family of their own.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#140

Post by noirbot »

jabbany wrote: post #26

> You'd Be Happier Living Closer to Friends. Really though? Anecdotally I feel the opposite... Proximity tends to breed opportunities for conflict. Personally, I really appreciate the distinction between neighbors that you have a more "professional" relationship with versus friends who maybe you have fewer day-to-day contact with but can be more intimate emotionally...

Yea, I also definitely feel this. I was roommates in a large house with 3 good friends for a few years and I definitely feel like I'm better friends with all of them now that we don't live together.
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