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Why don’t more people live close to friends?

annehelen.substack.com

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Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#91

Post by diveandfight »

So the author points out that some reasons constraining mobility are outside of a person's control:

> When we talk about limited mobility, we have to talk about states that are actively and legislatively hostile to marginalized people.

And then proceeds to frame the choice of "where to live?" as solely within a person's control, "What’s holding you back, and what conversations do you have with yourself about when and whether that will change?"

> And so, a prompt for discussion: What would have to change, for you to move closer to the people who nourish you, who support you, who make your life better and easier in so many ways?

I'm getting fatigued with seeing/hearing this meaningless virtue signaling. It usually takes the form of, "We see you," "We acknowledge particular challenges for certain people," and then proceeding to make a point that either completely disregards or directly contradicts (in this case) the speaker's/writer's acknowledgement of racism/hostility/lack of safety/etc.

This article is some privileged person nonsense.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#93

Post by rayiner »

lotsofpulp wrote: post #59
philsnow wrote: post #55

> why don’t we do this? The fetishization of the nuclear family, of course, as well as the building and zoning codes that facilitate that fetishization. Zoning calls them "single family homes" but it doesn't call it "nuclear family homes" or anything like that. Single family homes are more about American individualism [0] and not wanting to share anything if you don't absolutely have to. That's why, outside of at mos…

> about American individualism[0] and not wanting to share anything if you don't absolutely have to. I don’t know if this is an American quality specifically. It could just be that Americans can (or used to be able to) afford it, whereas most other people in most other societies never could. For example, what young married couple would want to live in their parents house if they can afford their own? All of my extend…

> For example, what young married couple would want to live in their parents house if they can afford their own?

Anyone who has kids and sometimes wants a break.

> All of my extended family grew up in intergenerational households because they were poor immigrants who had to make do, but all the cousins became doctors/lawyers/engineers/etc and got their own house.

How much of that is just unconsciously going along with American culture? America is structurally set up to fragment your social relationships, especially among higher achieving, professional people. You go to school and seek jobs across the country, etc.

I’m also an immigrant and I followed the same trajectory. Came to America, was already disconnected from family. Went to school hundreds of miles away, etc. Kind of by accident, I ended up living 10 minutes from my parents, in a neighborhood where most people don’t have a college degree. We’re over at my parents several times a week. And multiple families in my neighborhood have parents in the neighborhood or rent a house from their parents who live nearby.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#94

Post by Lapsa »

marcell wrote: post #50
moralestapia wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

"Friendship" doesn't happen in a vacuum. You need dependence and value exchange between two "friends." Technology has replaced most of our needs and dependence on other people, with great economic benefit. The downside is it eliminates the need for other humans, and consequently removes the potential for fulfilling relationships. Just two example out of millions: Uber reduces the need to have friends drive you to the…

in fact - that's the reason advice can backfire. modern day online friends can end up being somewhat incompatible when moved closer together

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#95

Post by 2muchcoffeeman »

nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

I stopped being friends with my neighbours when I moved into an apartment.

When I was a kid I was friends with my neighbours because we’d be out doing things and you had to run into them.

Now I can literally see movers move people into the apartment next to me. And a couple years later see them move them out and I’ll never have bumped into them.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#96

Post by irrational »

nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

If your neighbors will allow you to be friends. Our next door neighbor moved in 2 years ago. We happened to be outside when they first arrived. A man for out of the car to open the garage door while a woman stayed in the car staring straight ahead. We tried to engage, but he ignored us, drove into the garage, and shut the door. Since then we have never spoken to them since. Sometimes we will see the man in the middle of the night walk to his mailbox. Occasionally we see the man coming and going in the car. But they (we are assuming there is a they, we’ve never seen the woman since that first day) never come outside during the day or evening hours. They never have any lights on inside the home (and we can see all of their windows from our house), ever. One time a tree on their property blew over into the street. We knocked and knocked on their door and waited a few days. Eventually we and another neighbor cut up the tree and left all the branches and logs on the side of the road. Little by little they’ve been disappearing in their yard debris bins (they do put out and take back in their garbage, recycling, and yard debris bins - though nobody has ever seen them do so). The main way we know they live there is seeing white vapor rising from their utility vents in the winter. Our current guesses are traffickers or witness protection program.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#98

Post by chasd00 »

carrolldunham wrote: post #82

I always get pushback for this but I think the idea that adults 'hang out with friends' is a meme from sitcoms. I think people grew up absorbing sitcom premises as representing life. I look at my parents and grandparents they don't have many friends - there's one or two people they see once or twice a year. That's normal. Having 3-5 people who you catch up with regularly through the week and hang out like teenagers,…

That’s definitely true if you have a family which your parents and grandparents did by definition. My wife and I have just a few friends we see irl regularly (couple times a month) but that’s about it. I still keep up with my college friends but it’s over iMessage as we’ve kinda scattered geographically over the years. Between my wife and kids I feel pretty socialized and don’t feel the need to seek out anyone else.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#100

Post by quinn3604 »

diveandfight wrote: post #91

So the author points out that some reasons constraining mobility are outside of a person's control: > When we talk about limited mobility, we have to talk about states that are actively and legislatively hostile to marginalized people. And then proceeds to frame the choice of "where to live?" as solely within a person's control, "What’s holding you back, and what conversations do you have with yourself about when and…

The article briefly speaks on why people might not have control over where they live - and then the author then continues to discuss the matter as if an individual does have control, as you said. However, this is far from meaningless, because many do have a say in where they live, and still neglect to factor in living near to close friends. I agree that it doesn't apply to everyone, but this doesn't make it nonsense in my opinion.
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