Why don’t more people live close to friends? • Hacker News Board

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#11

Post by moralestapia » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:34 AM UTC

no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#12

Post by tifik » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:36 AM UTC

no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

Its unclear if you are talking about yourself or making a general observation about people around you, but in case its the latter: I believe this to be very much subject to strong confirmation bias. You dont open up because you believe thats just not what people do. But I find that to be false 9/10 times I break through the fear and show genuine interest.

Safe spaces would include anywhere people that share a common interest gather, for me thats a climbing gym I go to regularly. Volunteering is also great in regards to meeting people that share similar values.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#13

Post by teaearlgraycold » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:36 AM UTC

moralestapia wrote: post #11

no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

Are you out there putting in effort to find and make friends?

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#14

Post by BenFranklin100 » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:36 AM UTC

Access to friends is probably the biggest reason I prefer dense urban environments. There’s something magical about being able to step out your door and be within a 10-20 minute walk of close friends or family. It invites casual get togethers like Saturday afternoon coffee or an after work drink. Living an hour or two apart kills these opportunities.

I recall walking through Vienna one weeknight evening and being amazed how the Austrians would be gathered around tables just enjoying a drink and conversation. These in-person casual interactions are what life is made of. America’s car centric zoning policy and outright bans of denser types of housing makes this lifestyle all but impossible.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#15

Post by nonethewiser » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:36 AM UTC

nice_byte wrote: post #7

nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

> Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? you don't get to choose your neighbors...

Do you find yourself not having much in common with your neighbors, not liking them, etc? A large part of friendship is some circumstance that puts you in the same time and place (school, work, sports, etc.). There must be some pretty big barrier if you can’t make friends with most of your neighbors.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#16

Post by moralestapia » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:37 AM UTC

teaearlgraycold wrote: post #13

moralestapia wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

Are you out there putting in effort to find and make friends?

Of course!

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#17

Post by bradlys » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:38 AM UTC

Cause we have an economy that has atomized everyone to where you have to fight for your own survival - constantly.

I'd love having some of my friends be my neighbors. But I had to move cross country just to find a partner because living in Silicon Valley was going to leave me an incel. (No surprise - I leave and I've had far more partners than I ever did in SV) I'll move back eventually with a partner in tow but the same issues will arise.

My professor friends can't afford a $2-3m house. My friends who work as nanny, acoustics engineer, events manager, local government staff, IT at local school, etc. also cannot afford the suburb I would be living in where the average home is $2.5m. They instead leave the area, live in apartments, or live with their parents. The few who are still in these professions but aren't shackled by these issues are over 50 years old and come from old money. (We're not particularly close)

Now, I'm in NYC and shockingly - I have quite a few friends who aren't too far away (some are only 2-3 blocks!) but we are all painfully similar. We work in high paid jobs, we're single men, and we have similar interests. It's not the worst thing but I'm getting a very homogenous group of friends while living here.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#18

Post by nine_k » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:38 AM UTC

JumpCrisscross wrote: post #8

nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

> being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this Being friends with neighbours prioritises the home by making social interactions subservient to it. Being neighbours with your friends prioritises those people by deprecating where you live to it. There isn't a single answer. But speaking as someone with many acquaintances, including very good ones, but a handful of close friends (and maybe a dozen…

I'd say "a dozen or two" is a very high number. Enjoy and value your luck!

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#19

Post by tifik » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:40 AM UTC

moralestapia wrote: post #11

no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

For me its mostly projecting my own insecurities onto others. Being in a space where you are guaranteed a shared interest with others (places hobbies get practiced at, volunteering gigs) is a great way to aleviate the fear of rejection, looking like a weirdo, creep or whatever.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#20

Post by neom » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:41 AM UTC

moralestapia wrote: post #11

no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

"You're not uncool. Making friends as an adult is just hard" - https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2021/11/10/making-friends-ad...