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I’ve been single all my life

lukasrosenstock.net

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Re: I’ve been single all my life

#211

Post by pkdpic »

> I don’t think women’s rights should be up for discussion just because some men don’t get laid

Excellent quote re incel culture.

This is a great piece of writing. It provoked a possibly-random thought. I cant afford to own a home in San Francisco. I want to because I was born there and always assumed I would. But sometimes it seems clear that no matter how bad I want that I'll never have it and that starts to make me feel crazy and hopeless and terrible about myself. Most days though I don't really think about it and am able to focus on the fact that I'm generally leading a very content and happy life. Sub out SF-home-ownership for being a millionaire, climbing mount everest, being taller etc. Not sure it's applicable but just a thought.

Also might I suggest the term mehcels or m-cels? As in "meh".

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#212

Post by antiterra »

9530jh9054ven wrote: post #178

>I am not comfortable using either of those terms. Firstly, the choice of the word “celibacy” emphasizes sexuality over other aspects of a romantic relationship. I don’t think of it that way. Secondly, the incel culture turns me off. I have never blamed anyone for my situation, and I don’t think women’s rights should be up for discussion just because some men don’t get laid. Thirdly, and most importantly, at this poi…

Incel exists both as a descriptive term and the name of a kind of subculture. So, I’d recommend not using it to simply describe someone who just hasn’t consummated a relationship.

Incel ‘culture’ usually encapsulates the online subculture that talks about evolutionary attractiveness, how they are beyond fixing and, at its worst, why women should be morally/legally obligated to couple with them as a service. It has its own body of jargon, archetypes and memes, and they generally self-identify with the term.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#214

Post by shaftway »

dangwhy wrote: post #159
JohnFen wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.

> do things that put you around people. I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer. Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.

Do volunteer work. I did work for New York Cares for a while and in addition to actually helping a good cause you inevitably meet single women who are also volunteering. I probably averaged about two leads and one actual date per event I volunteered at. Putting together bags of food for food pantries can be boring work, and you inevitably chat with your neighbor.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#215

Post by robbintt »

c2xlZXB5 wrote: post #187

I have been single all my life (I'm in my early 20s). I don't know if I have any desire to be in a relationship with anyone at this time. It may be selfish, but there are so many things I want to do with my limited time and I feel like a relationship will just hold me back from doing what I want to do. I guess it is a fear of being tied down to something and impose on my current, practically unlimited, freedom.

It's all about tradeoffs. Sometime soon you should plan really far then take those requirements back to hit whatever soft deadlines (although there are few or no hard deadlines, so don't sweat it).

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#216

Post by magneticnorth »

SoftAnnaLee wrote: post #10

The OP reminds me of some of the aromantic and asexual folk I've known. Not necessarily prescribing any label on his account. Just merely a thought based on a particular line is one I've heard a number times; > my general reply is the combination of a lack of opportunities and a lack of desire That said, I am very interested in hearing him extrapolate his thoughts further. I do use the aromantic and asexual label mys…

He actually published a follow-up today discussing his thoughts on whether he might be asexual or aromantic: https://lukasrosenstock.net/2023/04/12/the-word-asexual.html

I found it quite telling that he seems sure he's not aromantic because of experiencing romantic love, but is not sure whether he's asexual. That seems to me like a strong signal that he is asexual, or at least much closer to it than most people.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#217

Post by adamredwoods »

blairbeckwith wrote: post #179
dangwhy wrote: post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> do things that put you around people. I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer. Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.

Book clubs if you like reading fiction. I'm happily married, but the only guy in a book club of 20.

When I was a single, I went to a book club, all women except me, and I couldn't relate or get any small talk in. I am somewhat introverted, so it was very difficult.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#219

Post by oceanplexian »

atleastoptimal wrote: post #142
CoolioMqSo wrote: post #26

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

>He isn't ugly, short, or awkward so shouldn't be a virgin I've noticed this a lot: whenever a non-ugly person notes that they're perpetually single, the first thing people say is "What? But you're so handsome/tall". This strongly implies that one's physical attributes are the biggest predictor of sexual success. However when people complain that their lack of physical attractiveness is keeping them perpetually singl…

Attractive doesn’t mean you are somehow born attractive or unattractive. Sure, people win the lottery and get a bit of a head start, but most of it is charisma, how you dress, if you’re in shape, if you wear deodorant, etc. Attractiveness is a thing anyone can change by putting in effort.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#220

Post by wvenable »

kube-system wrote: post #25

> The obvious course of action when you are unsure about something is experimentation. However, a relationship isn’t an activity (like a job, hobby, or sport) to try and quit when you don’t like it. It requires two people, and you must find a second person willing to try. Finding someone is hard, though. This brings me back to what I said a few paragraphs ago; I don’t see myself ready to invest much in something I’m…

That paragraph struck me as well and I was going to make a similar comment. The idea of investment and fear of things 10 steps down the road is paralyzing. Even using the term "relationship" is this fashion makes it seem like an activity like a job, hobby, or sport.

It's much easier than all that. You meet someone. You connect. You want to spend more time with them. Things happen organically and you might have to make difficult decisions at some point but by then you'll actually have information and a reason.

Being in a relationship is part of the human condition. It's not for everyone and won't happen for everyone. But I think it's important to try. But not try and have a "relationship" but to try and meet new people of the gender(s) you're attracted to and open to whatever happens.

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