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Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
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Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#12Earlier quoted context omitted.
I agree with the spirit of this. I just think it’s a bit heavy handed in the communication. It will be perceived as aggressive and that’s not a good look for a man that has just been accused of sexism. Getting HR involved and framing it that you need reasonable accommodation to help you work with your Asperger’s and keep from offending teammates could be a good path.
Heavy-handed directness is a symptom of Aspberger's no? Personally I think that would be a super-power but I'm not an overly-sensitive person looking for validation of my existence at work.
It really is a handicap and not a superpower. Resources in groups are given to people that are liked, not those who deserve them. Maintaining positive relationships is the best way to secure resources. Using aggressive communication is going to shut down other people and they will not give you anything. Without resources, your work product will be limited, less relevant and likely to be discarded after you leave.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#13First off, you should be careful when using apologic statements at work. They can be seem as an admission of guilt by the claimant and/or employeer and can lead to further action. Saying things as such as:
(1) "I understand that you feel that way, but my intention behind that statement was ... ." (2) "It's unfortunate that you feel that way, but my intentions were ... ." (3) "I can see that my actions have affected you, by my intentions were ... ." (4) "I didn't intend to upset you, my intentions were ... ."
would be better for issues in the future.
In regards to how she responded. You can't control how people interpret and handle situations. You can only change with how you deal with it in the future, knowing that she has responded this way should let you know that (
I would from now on keep all conversations in written and storable form via email, letter, or chat, and if you need to talk to her, make sure you plan what you are going to say and make sure you have another colleague in the room as a referense to the conversation.
If you feel you want to remedy to the situation, I would set up a meeting with HR and try and come to a solution.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#14Earlier quoted context omitted.
Heavy-handed directness is a symptom of Aspberger's no? Personally I think that would be a super-power but I'm not an overly-sensitive person looking for validation of my existence at work.
It really is a handicap and not a superpower. Resources in groups are given to people that are liked, not those who deserve them. Maintaining positive relationships is the best way to secure resources. Using aggressive communication is going to shut down other people and they will not give you anything. Without resources, your work product will be limited, less relevant and likely to be discarded after you leave.
I apologize if my lack of understand of the condition was taken as a flippant comment. Your response only bolsters the suggestion that the OP needs to assert a need for reasonable accommodation from narrow-minded prejudiced people who might interpret his actions as sexist or in any way reflective of a less than favorable view of his coworkers in general and the one in particular.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#15[flagged]
If the person being patronized was the nephew of the CEO whose hiring was assured as long as he met the minimum requirements, even if there were more qualified applicants, would it still be viewed as man-splaining or patronizing?
An unfortunate side-effect of over-sensitivity to hiring and promoting people who aren't white men is that is that, in many cases, they live with the constant nagging question of whether they got the job because of their ability or because of their demographics. Some of the most talented people I've ever worked with were self-driven to an insane degree to try to achieve the impossible goal of proving to themselves "I was hired because I'm worthy" as opposed to some other reason. It's a tragedy because these people burn themselves out and frequently harbor the fear that they are going to be "found out" at any moment and will be let go for someone who deserves their spot when the opposite case is the truth: if they were to leave it would be impossible to replace them!
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#16[flagged]
If the person being patronized was the nephew of the CEO whose hiring was assured as long as he met the minimum requirements, even if there were more qualified applicants, would it still be viewed as man-splaining or patronizing? An unfortunate side-effect of over-sensitivity to hiring and promoting people who aren't white men is that is that, in many cases, they live with the constant nagging question of whether the…
I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say here.
Sexism in the workplace is very different than nepotism.
And, you contradict yourself with your example. If nephew is minimum qualified, then he's qualified, yet you go on to assume people are hired because of their demography. Hiring based solely on demography/diversity/whatever isn't a thing because it's an unprofitable decision. Businesses aren't charities.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#17Earlier quoted context omitted.
If the person being patronized was the nephew of the CEO whose hiring was assured as long as he met the minimum requirements, even if there were more qualified applicants, would it still be viewed as man-splaining or patronizing? An unfortunate side-effect of over-sensitivity to hiring and promoting people who aren't white men is that is that, in many cases, they live with the constant nagging question of whether the…
I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say here. Sexism in the workplace is very different than nepotism. And, you contradict yourself with your example. If nephew is minimum qualified, then he's qualified, yet you go on to assume people are hired because of their demography. Hiring based solely on demography/diversity/whatever isn't a thing because it's an unprofitable decision. Businesses aren't charities.
In most businesses you don't pick a minimum qualified applicant if there are superior applicants you could choose instead. Nepotism is just another way by which someone who isn't the most accomplished or best fit could be hired either because the order was given to select the candidate or out of fear that HR will come down on you for not being diverse enough.
What I'm saying is that when someone is hired into a position it's not always obvious to them that it was because they were the best candidate and not just HR's demographic of the quarter. This can lead to unwarranted self-doubt (which over time can morph into self-sabotage: "I wasn't really good enough anyway"). I've had off-the-record conversations with team members on this topic over the years and in once case I was unable to communicate to her what everyone else could see plainly: she was the best contributor on the team but she still thought she was unworthy and should leave. It's heartbreaking to see this happen to someone.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#18Earlier quoted context omitted.
If it's something he does to everyone is it really 'mansplaining'? Seems like it would just be explaining.
He would not perceive it that way, but if the recipient was a woman and perhaps fighting a lifelong battle to be a respected technical contributor, then it could be perceived as mansplaining and sexist.
Or maybe she was just a narcissist on a power trip trying to feel offended and exploit the new political paradigm of female supremacy.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#19Earlier quoted context omitted.
I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say here. Sexism in the workplace is very different than nepotism. And, you contradict yourself with your example. If nephew is minimum qualified, then he's qualified, yet you go on to assume people are hired because of their demography. Hiring based solely on demography/diversity/whatever isn't a thing because it's an unprofitable decision. Businesses aren't charities.
In most businesses you don't pick a minimum qualified applicant if there are superior applicants you could choose instead. Nepotism is just another way by which someone who isn't the most accomplished or best fit could be hired either because the order was given to select the candidate or out of fear that HR will come down on you for not being diverse enough. What I'm saying is that when someone is hired into a posit…
My experience differs.
I have worked at so many tech companies, and been on so many hiring panels, yet I have never seen demographic quota/quarter/whatever. Ever.
I think by talking like this, people are perpetuating a myth that some 'diverse' candidates buy into.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#20[flagged]
But going to a website full of people who work in organizations and rules just like your own seems pretty wise.