A woman between 20 and 30 has accused me of mistreating her because of her gender. She says that I have asked her questions I wouldn't have asked any man. I don't think that is true because I have asked almost word-for-word identical questions to male colleagues. And they have all been work-related. Like "Any news from project XYZ?" Nothing about her personal life. I have told her that if I have offended her I apologize and that it wasn't my intention. She said that she doesn't believe me and that I intentionally denigrate her. Since then I have avoided her because I fear that she might accuse me of more and worse things. But we work in the same project so it isn't always possible. I'm afraid that false rumors will spread about me. She has many friends in the department I have none. I also have Asperger's and have been accused of taking things literally in the past.
Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
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Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#2Is it possible for you to keep most or all of your communication in writing, via email or chat, where it can be produced by either side if there is a complaint?
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#3I would issue an email memo to her along the lines of: "Due to your allegation against me which stem from a lack of understanding and empathy for my medical condition, I have been advised* to limit my interaction with you to emails, texts, and chats which can be saved and referenced later. You're a valuable contributor to the team and success on this project would be difficult without your input. I hope you understand the need for this precaution and I look forward to our continued professional collaboration."
*You don't really need to say it was some rando on Hacker News who advised you... though if you're really concerned I would be proactive in contacting to HR first rather than being the one to react to an accusation. Citing your Asperger's and that she's being insensitive to your handicap, which is deeply hurtful and is leading to a hostile work environment might work too... allegations can go both ways and I presume you can document your Asperger's and she might not be able to document anything. Of course, you might want to get REAL counsel rather than just mine.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#4You might be “mansplaining”. Think if you may have told her things or explained things she may have already known. She may perceive you are insulting her intelligence.
Given that you have Asperger’s, this is likely something you do to everyone, and not related to gender. You probably have a lot of knowledge and it’s natural to want to share that. However you may be missing subtle clues that the person you are talking to doesn’t need or want you to teach them because they have 100% of the ability of anyone else.
Was HR involved or did she tell you this directly? I’d recommend explaining that you have Asperger’s, apologize if your behavior is perceived as offensive and ask for help adjusting your communication. Presenting this as a disability could help counter the perception of sexism by implying that others are being ableist. Don’t actually says that though. The unsaid implication will be enough to set the neurotypical person’s hair on fire.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#5Is it possible for you to keep most or all of your communication in writing, via email or chat, where it can be produced by either side if there is a complaint?
As soon as I have any communication issues, I go straight to this. There needs to be records of communication.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#6You might be “mansplaining”. Think if you may have told her things or explained things she may have already known. She may perceive you are insulting her intelligence. Given that you have Asperger’s, this is likely something you do to everyone, and not related to gender. You probably have a lot of knowledge and it’s natural to want to share that. However you may be missing subtle clues that the person you are talking…
If it's something he does to everyone is it really 'mansplaining'? Seems like it would just be explaining.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#7I would issue an email memo to her along the lines of: "Due to your allegation against me which stem from a lack of understanding and empathy for my medical condition, I have been advised* to limit my interaction with you to emails, texts, and chats which can be saved and referenced later. You're a valuable contributor to the team and success on this project would be difficult without your input. I hope you understan…
I agree with the spirit of this. I just think it’s a bit heavy handed in the communication. It will be perceived as aggressive and that’s not a good look for a man that has just been accused of sexism. Getting HR involved and framing it that you need reasonable accommodation to help you work with your Asperger’s and keep from offending teammates could be a good path.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#8I would issue an email memo to her along the lines of: "Due to your allegation against me which stem from a lack of understanding and empathy for my medical condition, I have been advised* to limit my interaction with you to emails, texts, and chats which can be saved and referenced later. You're a valuable contributor to the team and success on this project would be difficult without your input. I hope you understan…
I agree with the spirit of this. I just think it’s a bit heavy handed in the communication. It will be perceived as aggressive and that’s not a good look for a man that has just been accused of sexism. Getting HR involved and framing it that you need reasonable accommodation to help you work with your Asperger’s and keep from offending teammates could be a good path.
Heavy-handed directness is a symptom of Aspberger's no? Personally I think that would be a super-power but I'm not an overly-sensitive person looking for validation of my existence at work.
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#9[flagged]
Re: Ask HN: Accused of acting sexist. What do do?
#10You might be “mansplaining”. Think if you may have told her things or explained things she may have already known. She may perceive you are insulting her intelligence. Given that you have Asperger’s, this is likely something you do to everyone, and not related to gender. You probably have a lot of knowledge and it’s natural to want to share that. However you may be missing subtle clues that the person you are talking…
If it's something he does to everyone is it really 'mansplaining'? Seems like it would just be explaining.
He would not perceive it that way, but if the recipient was a woman and perhaps fighting a lifelong battle to be a respected technical contributor, then it could be perceived as mansplaining and sexist.