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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#151

Post by [deleted] »

Dalewyn wrote: post #130
sicp-enjoyer wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> the failure rate is too high The rate dramatically changes with demographic, for example many of those were married young and did not complete education. > who you pick to marry The quote doesn't say whether :) Married men also tend to make more money and work for longer periods of time. There is a cynical view of whether that's good or not, but 40-50 year old single men don't seem to be a particularly successful d…

>The rate dramatically changes with demographic, for example many of those were married young and did not complete education. So OP, a 28 year old male still in the process of completing education? I agree with ianai and toomuchtodo, marriage can wait (assuming one is even interested in it) until you've made your place in the world and have time and room to think about such things.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#152

Post by CodeWriter23 »

You didn’t mention this possible aspect of hitting bottom. I’m reading this possibility because it is part of my own history, and so many things are in common, toxic family, overachiever, living by default, girlfriend dumping me. It may not even apply to your situation but if does, this could be huge.

That thing is addiction. If you suffer from addiction and aren’t willing to do something about it, then the reality is, even if you can’t see it yet, the reality is you haven’t hit bottom yet. And by addiction I mean doing anything in a self-destructive way. Drugs, alcohol, sex, spending, gambling, emotional outbursts, even good ole pot, anything for which there is a *A 12 step organization for.

Until addiction is arrested, the downward spiral continues.

If this does not apply, please disregard.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#153

Post by spywaregorilla »

ianai wrote: post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

You seem to be arguing that marriage is a dumb legal thing, ergo relationships are not important. Even if the premise is true, your conclusion is unrelated.

With empathy to the OP, this sentence > Plus if someone is bailing on you when you’re finishing a degree they definitely weren’t going to be there for you in actually troubling times - like an illness or your house burning down

Is also kind of fucked up. There's no particular reason to suggest their partner left because they were unwilling to support a partner through a tough time. Maybe it is the case. But that's a very aggressive assumption that implicitly strips the lost partner of any individual autonomy.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#154

Post by idopmstuff »

ianai wrote: post #148
idopmstuff wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Your framing this as something more than it is is abhorrent. Framing marriage as something more than "a societal complication of a relationship" is abhorrent? Do you think maybe that's a little harsh?

That’s an outright abusive misreading of what I’ve said.

Again, I feel like you're being quite overly dramatic with your language here. No one is being abused.

Also, you said "OP is perfectly fine to just focus on the degree and know the world will continue on while OP works." but the post you're responding to never said anything to the contrary. They were just speaking about marriage in general - at literally no point did they tell OP not to focus on their degree.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#155

Post by EdSharkey »

rdsubhas wrote: post #111
dash2 wrote: post #99

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a very interesting perspective! I urge you to create a society or subculture which doesn't waste time on marriage. When it has lasted for at least one generation, come back and tell the rest of us about it.

The divorce rate is 50% in US and 40-50% in developed societies today. I would rather urge you to find a society that doesn't waste time on divorces and dysfunctional marriages today.

[flagged]

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#156

Post by pgayed »

Four years is a long time. Maybe this was your first significant partner. Those breakups can be hard.

Open yourself up to people around you. Friends. Colleagues you trust or admire. Have and make dinner with them. Be social. Be vulnerable to people who seem receptive.

Keep a good routine. Don't let it get out of whack but don't overwork yourself into isolation.

You'll be okay in time. HN is rooting for you.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#157

Post by [deleted] »

ncr100 wrote: post #127
crazygringo wrote: post #89

> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist. Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody…

I think this advice is too-disruptive for this person: It's too quick to just throw away another relationship. The poster talks about being Distant from Friends, and recently Separated. Also they talk about growing up in a Toxic Family - another "bell ring" for the "feeling unsupported" song. Advising them to swap out a ANOTHER emotionally supportive person in their life, their therapist, is going to cause them furth…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#158

Post by TrevorFSmith »

crazygringo wrote: post #89

> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist. Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody…

I second this advice. If you don't feel like a therapist is almost immediately helping you identify, process, and communicate your emotions and history then it's not a good match. I know first-hand that it's a PITA to switch to a new therapist but the return on effort can be massive.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#159

Post by tracerbulletx »

I felt similarly awful in my late 20s, I think this is a particularly difficult time for a lot of people. I don't have any particular advice there was nothing anyone could have said or done to make me happy at the time, I just white knuckled through it, obsessed myself with working and pursuing my goals monomaniacally, and eventually came out the other side feeling content.
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