121–130 of 323 posts
Thinking you are a victim is also highly addictive because it shifts responsibilities from you to something that is not-you (parents, boss, partner, society, your gender, racists, ...)
While not all circumstances are your choice, at a fundamental level remaining a victim is a choice.
There's always somebody worse off than you.
I hope all goes well: You finish your PhD and put this breakup behind you. Therapy helps and you feel better about yourself.
But if it does take a turn for the worse here is my short advice: First of all, get good sleep. Second, limit or cut ties with people who want to see you fall, or talk to / about you as if you already have, regardless of who they are (even parents). Also remember that healing / rebuilding yourself takes time, but as soon as the derivative is positive time is on your side.
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This is a very interesting perspective! I urge you to create a society or subculture which doesn't waste time on marriage. When it has lasted for at least one generation, come back and tell the rest of us about it.
The divorce rate is 50% in US and 40-50% in developed societies today. I would rather urge you to find a society that doesn't waste time on divorces and dysfunctional marriages today.
I don't know the answer to this massively complex problem, but I don't think it's easy to reduce things to "marriage = dumb", especially with the world so divided and angry.
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Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...
This is a very interesting perspective! I urge you to create a society or subculture which doesn't waste time on marriage. When it has lasted for at least one generation, come back and tell the rest of us about it.
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> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end. Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.
Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...
Too early to say. It is possible (though by no means certain) that by 2200, the Earth will be inhabited by a mix of the Amish, the Haredim and various Salafist creeds which, while distinctly non-modern, never stopped reproducing themselves, while all the modernized groups did.
Edit: interesting that this comment attracted two downvotes but no rebuttal. I would say that the process is at the very least visible in Israel, at its conception in 1948 a very secular state whose demographics has since then changed a lot due to high TFR of the Haredim. And the Israeli politics seems to be following its demography.
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This is a very interesting perspective! I urge you to create a society or subculture which doesn't waste time on marriage. When it has lasted for at least one generation, come back and tell the rest of us about it.
The divorce rate is 50% in US and 40-50% in developed societies today. I would rather urge you to find a society that doesn't waste time on divorces and dysfunctional marriages today.
By all means, forgo marriage but many of us quite like being married. I love it. Most of the time!
> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist. Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody…
The poster talks about being Distant from Friends, and recently Separated. Also they talk about growing up in a Toxic Family - another "bell ring" for the "feeling unsupported" song. Advising them to swap out a ANOTHER emotionally supportive person in their life, their therapist, is going to cause them further abandonment - it's going to cause them to suffer.
So, come at that specific advice from a different direction. Advise them instead to open up to the therapist more. The problem doesn't yet seem to be an incompetent therapist. It's more that their relationship is still shallow.
Being a victim is a mindset, sure you can come from a shitty place but that doesn't determine where you go next. Thinking you are a victim is also highly addictive because it shifts responsibilities from you to something that is not-you (parents, boss, partner, society, your gender, racists, ...) While not all circumstances are your choice, at a fundamental level remaining a victim is a choice. There's always somebod…
It would be nice if this was true. But sadly it’s simply not. Everybody understands that there is physical abuse that cannot be overcome. Unfortunately there is also psychological abuse that cannot be overcome.
So I agree we should all strive to avoid remaining victims, but I don’t think it’s healthy or even correct to say that those that do have chosen to be victims.
See also: victim blaming.
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Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...
Or marry a good person, raise happy kids and live a good life together. If you are not married and one partner makes significantly more than the other, what's to stop the wealthy partner just deciding 20 years into the relationship that they want a newer model and just leaving the former partner destitute? It creates a massive power discrepancy in the relationship. "Do what I want or I'll leave you in the street." Ma…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...
> the failure rate is too high The rate dramatically changes with demographic, for example many of those were married young and did not complete education. > who you pick to marry The quote doesn't say whether :) Married men also tend to make more money and work for longer periods of time. There is a cynical view of whether that's good or not, but 40-50 year old single men don't seem to be a particularly successful d…
So OP, a 28 year old male still in the process of completing education?
I agree with ianai and toomuchtodo, marriage can wait (assuming one is even interested in it) until you've made your place in the world and have time and room to think about such things.