Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

You gotta move. Walk. Every day. 15K steps. You have to get outside your bubble. There’s more going on than what you see and feel, and there’s something beyond what you’re experiencing right now.

Part of the problem is you have to burn the time, but the more you wallow the more this time will swallow you up. It may take a year or two to get over this breakup, but if you move and stay productive, this time will not have been wasted and you’ll come out a bit better. If you wallow, you’ll waste this time. If you mellow the wallow, it’ll be a victory in and of itself and a driver for healing.

I’ve never gone on a long walk and felt worse. And it’s something you can do every single day.

I credit the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover as creating the foundation I needed to get out of my valley after my breakup (engaged, 8yr total).

Other self-help books and an ADHD diagnosis built on top of that, but that was the one that changed things and got the ball rolling.

It's not a breakup book or anything, it just covers it incidentally. Going through entire book is what rebuilt me.

I'm bias, but would say to anyone looking for a new job ignore the FANG, leetcode approach. It's not worth the hype anymore. You can always join later with experience which is valued more highly. I wouldn't be surprised that in a few years time they'll be the ones on the firing line.

You've got given experience and an opportunity, you recognise that TPM isn't your thing and that if dev is; move your focus and promote that energy. Code a local project, demonstrate that within an interview. The secret to interviews is blagging.

"I was a TPM, Giving it my best effort I gained the ability to XYZ

But after the year, I found that this wasn't the career path I wished to follow. Dev is more my attitude and recently in my spare time I coded this super-cool time diary using x-lang to brush up my skills. I feel that I can mix both to give the best to the company".

That itself will turn more heads then someone with a piece of paper with FANG stamped on it. It shows you learnt, tried, wanting to learn and move on. Double the knowledge more the experience. There are plenty of jobs outside who will happily hire for the dev.

It won't be the big-bucks as FANG gets you, but money is overrated. Find something that keeps you just less than comfortable. Flushed with cash is nice dream, but the pressure, intensity of it all are all not worth it. With lower paid jobs you'd get you a more laid back environment, control of your destiny and closer experience to real life which you then use as your bargaining chip later on.

I've never wanted to be a corporate cog that when it looses it's teeth is thrown out the back door. The stress isn't worth it.

I overcame a weak sense of self by learning to draw boundaries. I can't stress how important this is. When you have weak boundaries, you let others control your life. Learn to draw clear boundaries that must never be crossed. I recommend googling the problem.

Sounds like youve described my life as well so as much of a cold comfort it is; you arent alone in this experience.

Some suggestions.

1. Theres usually a big gap between understanding and belief. You can “know” something is true but not have it feel true, or let that knowledge have any positive affect on your outlook or physiology. This simply takes time. Be patient and kind with yourself.

2. Self help books are good. Therapy is better. But you’ll also find there are tons of different types of therapy. What works for you will take time to figure out and will also depend on your background, level of resistence, your comfort with vulnerability, the vocabulary you have to describe your experience, etc. Again, stick with it. Dont overdo it. Rememeber that 9 women can’t have a baby in a month.

3. Relationships and endings can be especially difficult for people who were potentially raised by narcissists or any cluster b personality style. Youve most likely learned behaviour that worked for you in childhood but wont help you now that youre an adult. This is now being understood as maladaptive patters from CPTSD. It’s worth digging into. Id recommend “the body keeps the score” and “complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving”.

4. Your body and your mind operate more like one unit than we all care to admit. Its important to exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. Not a walk. More like sweating. Nobody ever wants to do this. I still never want to do it. Id suggest doing everything possible to lower the activation cost of getting some exercise.

5. This tension requires an outlet. You probably spend a lot of time in front of a computer reading, writing, etc. I find writing with a pen and paper helpful. Theres absolutely no need to ever read what you wrote ever again. The mind is wild but it does seem to offer some relief.

Lastly - and I apologize for being trite - when youre going through hell, keep going.