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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#1

Post by Schroedingers2c »

I [28M] got broken up with by my partner of almost 4 years a couple weeks ago. I thought she was the love of my life and I would marry that woman. I'm also in the last year of my PhD in a sub-field I have never envisioned myself in and somehow slipped into due to Covid and my own passiveness and weak sense of self. The PhD is also not going super well and I'm stressed about not having enough research to finish in time. I also grew up in a dysfunctional family environment (toxic parent relationship, some narcissistic/borderline traits in them) and have been struggling with the consequences of that on my development and mental health. I also don't have a large social circle, and some of my friends are scattered internationally.

As you can see, I feel like I've hit rock bottom. On the outside I look all successful, in shape and doing a PhD in a prestigious research group. But most of the time in my life I've felt empty, doubting myself and struggling with a weak sense of self and unhealthy thought/behavioural patterns that are hard to shed off. I feel like I've lost any passion for anything, and don't know what I want or need.

I've read tons of psychology/philosophy/self-help over the past 10 years and it helped to some extent. I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. The advice so far has boiled down to "do things you like".

I would be grateful for any of your advice or shared life stories. At the moment I feel like standing in front of a massive pile of broken glass.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#4

Post by geyger4 »

I can relate to this.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years, and it feels like your world has ended. After experiencing painful breakups with the same person, I understood that the only thing that will ease the pain is time. It is hard to leave it to time to heal when your every minute is painful. But you will grow out of it. If you think that you can do something to get back with her, try it now, not later. But if you also think that it is over, then wait with patience. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. Focus more on your PhD. It is harder than ever for you to do that now but just think how cool and great it would make you feel like if you could take this negative situation and use as a source of motivation and determination.

The things will get better. You will look past and be happy with what you achieved so far.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#5

Post by jodoherty »

Exist.

That’s what I did for a good chunk of my twenties. My life has changed dramatically since then.

It’s hard to set a direction for yourself with that mode of living, so I pivoted from art school and joined the Air Force to focus on serving.

I’m sure the work you do can positively impact the world. Find a mission and focus on staying busy with that. Finish your PhD towards that end and continue take care of your physical health. Help people.

As a society we tend to focus on joy and pleasure as the keys to happiness (do things you like), but there’s something deeper I think you can find once you’re okay with simply existing as you feel today.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#7

Post by higeorge13 »

You have to keep yourself busy. Focus on your phd, travel, do new hobbies, hit the gym, try to reconnect with old friends, etc. Anything to feel occupied and meet people. If you also feel you don’t do progress with your therapist, find someone else who clicks for you.

You feel bad for the break up, everyone has been there. You are stll young, you have your whole life in front of you. You will meet someone else, you will finish your phd, you will get a job, things will get better and you will laugh of those past times and all these things you cried for.

Take care.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#8

Post by ryanklee »

dash2 wrote: post #2

Therapy is a good idea, but be sure to get the right therapist. Trust your instincts: if you don't think this person is right, now is the time to change.

Could not stress this point more. OP's therapist should be all over these issues, offering different tools, strategies, frameworks, etc. Good therapy actively solves problems. If your therapist is not doing this, fire them immediately and get a new one. Look for a cognitive behavioral therapist.

Also, exercise, meditate, and get enough sleep.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#9

Post by GoToRO »

I "love" the toxic parent relationship, because that is the kind relationship that you are most used to and for you (and me) it makes it feel normal. You get used to it and when other people treat you the same way, you don't even realize that you should set boundaries or put a stop to it.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#10

Post by baby »

Most people of strong personas and characters have ended up there by hitting rock bottom several times and bouncing back several times with more and more resilience each time.

It’s really in these moments that you can define yourself, that you reach out for philosophy and literature and ways to cope and face life.

As they say: life is made of failures, and it’s always about how you bounce back (not how you avoid failing)

The second thing is that life is made of multiple sub lives. Your life as a toddler was nothing like your teenage years, which was nothing like your adult life, which will look nothing like your life as an old person.

Transitioning is always hard, but growing as a person is also about accepting that we are not meant to live the same little cushy and stable life that we got accustomed to for too many years.

Breaking up is one thing, at some point close people to you will die, you will lose some of your physical abilities, etc.

The best thing you can do is find a strong philosophy of life, and not worry too much about what your life was or what your life will be. Just enjoy the moment.

Enjoy your experience as a human being. All of it.

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