Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

I see what you mean but these are well educated professionals who are just choosing to practice their positive psychology outside of their religious “niche”. Personally I’ve had a ton of great secular experiences with religious people, I’m sorry if you haven’t. Mormons, Sikhis, Muslims and many people at my Catholic University. I’ve learned a lot from them.

Father of three here. This is great advice, thank you.

They say children are the impatient version of a self. I think there's a lot to that. There is nothing like the intensity of a relationship between a child and his or her parents.

And there is no blueprint. Since every relationship is unique, everyone has to learn for themselves how to act in that relationship.

The real "problem" is that children have a much more accurate view of how adults are controlled than the other way around. They recognize very early the knobs and dials they need to operate to get you to do something. Was probably built in by nature as a survival advantage right away.

We have a share of autism in our family, fortunately more along the lines of Asperger's. In my experience, communication at eye level is a basic requirement. You don't become an authority because you know better, but when the other person realizes to learn when they listen to you.

Children have to find their own rhythm, how they want what, when and how intensively. They must first experience freedom to understand that there must also be limits where it becomes dangerous. The fewer boundaries, the more meaningful they become.

And most importantly, there are no wrong choices. Every decision contributes to the development of the relationship. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe in 10 or 20 years a mistake will turn out to be an absolute stroke of luck. As long as there is trust and love in the relationship.

I once tried to stop my daughter (she was 4) from going barefoot in the snow. My instinct was to tell her not to. My wife just grinned, opened the door and let her out. Not 30 seconds later, our daughter was wildly knocking on the door. She was cold.

So when given the choice between learning and experience, whenever possible one should choose the experience. Because that is what is remembered. So my daughter and I both had an important lesson that day.

Mostly I look at other kids and families, identify what I like and don’t like about them, and work backwards from that.

For example I saw a family at a restaurant and the kids were watching videos on their phones with earphones in, while eating. It sickened me and I will never allow devices at the dinner table.

Another example, I’ve seen parents bring their kids to concerts and sporting events, despite being young and/or having a questionable level of interest. I liked how it seemed to broaden their horizons, and it seemed to me that it’s just as important to have kids join in your experiences where appropriate, as it is for you to join in theirs.

One other important thing I noticed is that your stance on something is only as good as the weakest link that enforces (or doesn’t enforce) something. I have in-laws that cave as soon as their are tears, and it has made it difficult to enforce things like “treats come after you eat your meal”.

> Did you think about what makes a good kid and work backwards?

No, I think about what makes a good adult and work backwards.

Teach them skills. Teach them how to look at the world with a critical eye. How to solve problems. How to adapt to changing situations. How to learn. How to communicate and work well with others. Teach them "why" you set the boundaries you do. Most importantly, teach them how to figure out who they are and what they want from life, and how to get there.

Obviously at 6 months, little of that applies yet. But don't get so caught up in 'parenting' that you forget that your job is to one day have them fly free and succeed without you.