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Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

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Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#21

Post by bogle »

leandot wrote: post #5

- Spend quality time with them (not browsing your phone while you pretend to play). - Kids learn from your behavior, not from what you say. So if you tell them to clean but you don't, it won't work. - If you want them to do something, you can spend hours arguing and pushing them with no success. But if you offer to help (even if you don't do anything really), they'll gladly do it together with you. - Kids do not need…

Reading. You can combine "learn from your behaviour" and "read stories" by showing them how much you enjoy books (by enjoying books). A good reader has so many advantages, and so much more to enjoy.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#22

Post by benj111 »

TamDenholm wrote: post #13

The one thing you need to keep in mind is that ALL parents screw up their kids in some way or another, its impossible to be a perfect parent as humans are not perfect. You just gotta try to do your best, educate yourself as much as you can and use your own judgement. Don't worry too much, you'll become a better parent the longer you do it as you'll have more experience. Try to talk to parents of older children and as…

>The one thing you need to keep in mind is that ALL parents screw up their kids in some way or another, its impossible to be a perfect parent as humans are not perfect

I disagree. Imperfection is a feature. Kids can't just deal with perfect people all the time, they need to deal with the world as it is. That's not to say anything goes, but if the outcome of parenting is supposed to be a well adjusted adult some imperfection is good.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#23

Post by franze »

I became a father the first time when I was 20. The second time when I was 30. So based on my sample size of 2 and after some trial and error error error and debugging:

- Learn how to think, talk and act with empathy. To your kids, yourself and your partner. I use the Non Violent Communication Framework by Rosenberg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

- Understand that outspoken and non-outspoken family rules must suit the situation, be flexible, based on empathy and revisited when situations change. A.k.a. you get wiser, your kids gets older or when sh#it happens. I recommend the approach from Virginia Satir https://www.amazon.com/New-Peoplemaking-Virginia-Satir/dp/08... the inventor of familiy therapy

- If you want to be good enough parents, go on vacations (at least weekends) without your kids - from time to time, at least every half year. Your adult couple relationship is the RAM your adult parent-family-relationship needs to function. If your RAM runs out, then there is a high risk of a crash.

Note: Totally subjective nerd thoughts.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#24

Post by bogle »

"I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job." - Roseanne Barr

It's a joke, yes, obviously, but at the end a long, torturous day when you're really not sure if that was a success or not, it can be the best, and simplest, consolation.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#26

Post by once_inc »

Structure is important. Kids always attempt to overshoot boundaries or limits, and as they grow older, they get increasingly cunning at that. Toddlers often try crying or hysterics, which gradually morphs into argumentation (I didn't have a cookie yesterday, so I should have an extra one today), which morphs into subterfuge (either grabbing them when your aren't present, or first asking one parent, then the next).

Enforcing boundaries and limits is (in my opinion) one of the key aspects of parenthood, combined with clear explanations on why those boundaries exist. Careful moderation of boundaries leads to kids that aren't prone to outbursts (since those have no effect on you) and grounds them to reality.

Telling kids about how the world works or giving them information about history or science is a blast and careful insertion of total bullshit leads to them being critical of what they are told, and to question information handed to them. Obviously, you need to be overt with the bullshit at the beginning, and work your way into more subtle bullshit as they age to keep them on their toes. :-)

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#27

Post by dsego »

leandot wrote: post #5

- Spend quality time with them (not browsing your phone while you pretend to play). - Kids learn from your behavior, not from what you say. So if you tell them to clean but you don't, it won't work. - If you want them to do something, you can spend hours arguing and pushing them with no success. But if you offer to help (even if you don't do anything really), they'll gladly do it together with you. - Kids do not need…

> Kids learn from your behavior, not from what you say

This so much. I have a 3-yearold, it's enough to see a behavior once and they will repeat it at one point. They don't understand the reasoning behind actions, they notice patterns and learn by adopting those patterns. Eg, I marked her height with a pen on the door frame, and she used it as an excuse a few days later to draw on the wall, because daddy did it. But don't be afraid to share feelings, they sense it, so it's nice to explain when dad or mum are stressed, angry, etc, meaning try to explain feelings rather than loose your temper, shout or argue (seems self evident doesn't it, but they can push you over the edge). They will pick up on how you handle emotions...and their emotions are big, like really big, so they need to learn healthy coping mechanisms.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#28

Post by gbrunacci »

thiago_fm wrote: post #4

All those "school of thought" are just trends. Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on. Preventing them to completely use technology is BS. Let them use them, but going back to what I've said before, you need to be present in their lives. This means if they are spending too much time with it, it's up to you to enforce limits. But don't be a rude or…

> In the end, you have much less control than you think you do.

I love how you articulated this.

It really sums up how I feel them times I get too strict on things "because it will be good for their future". Not saying it is not necessary sometimes, but don't expect things will work as planned regardless how much you enforce it.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#30

Post by Helmut10001 »

thiago_fm wrote: post #4

All those "school of thought" are just trends. Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on. Preventing them to completely use technology is BS. Let them use them, but going back to what I've said before, you need to be present in their lives. This means if they are spending too much time with it, it's up to you to enforce limits. But don't be a rude or…

> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention

Specifically this one - spend time with your kids is the most valuable thing you can do. To understand my own character and how my parents affected it, I liked Jesper Juul (e.g. "Your Competent Child"). Its well thought through and reflecting, starting with yourself instead of the child.

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