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Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

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Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#731

Post by pm90 »

jacobsenscott wrote: post #116

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. This is why people meet in high school (4 years)/college(4 years)/at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part - where people had the most…

> The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind.

Yes, 100% this is correct. Proximity is everything. When people "bump" into each other frequently, they are more likely to start conversations, more likely to get to know each other, and naturally, hook up.

This is why the "third place" concept is so important. Home is the 1st, Office 2nd, but you generally need another place where people just hang out. This might be a community pool, garden, plaza etc. Somewhat more restricted 3rd places are coffeeshops, bars, art galleries, museums, libraries etc.

I believe that cities that want to attract people should invest heavily in creating these places. e.g. Austin built a First Class public library; I was extremely skeptical about that investment, but when the library opened, its a work of art!

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#732

Post by bmn__ »

welshwelsh wrote: post #211
itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

You are in the better position. Her inbox might be flooded with messages, but most of those messages are spam. Most of the guys didn't even look at her profile, and instead swiped right on everyone and copy-pasted the same message to all of their matches. If she replies, most of them will not respond. Few will put in the effort to have a substantial conversation, and fewer will actually try to go out on a date with h…

> As for guys who don't get matches or messages at all: it's because your profile sucks. Take better pictures.

No amount of picture taking changes the fact that being short or ugly or bald or old or non-white firmly entrenches the profile in the "never match" category.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#733

Post by bmn__ »

tibbon wrote: post #263
itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

I hear this all the time. Perhaps demand follows an 80/20% rule because my experience doesn't align with this. I'm a man, 40 years, polyamorous, yet I have zero problems finding people to date. On average, I have more partners than the women I often date. I agree that Tinder and such are highly skewed, but it doesn't make it useful for any gender. In-person (events, social groups, etc), I find there are a large numbe…

> I have zero problems finding people to date […] I find there are a large number of people who actively want to date me

> I haven't been able to figure out what is unique about my experience vs the majority of men.

You are attractive. That's all there is to it. Hobbies are a red herring.

You might not be a 10, but "just" an 8, but that still means you are two orders of magnitude more successful than a normie.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#734

Post by yieldcrv »

avmich wrote: post #687
yieldcrv wrote: post #531

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> This seems to contradict some view on women's POV here. As in, for women the sexual transaction is big serious deal. And other women learn how to decrease the cost. Women that are fine with hormonal birth control with partners that test for STDs frequently are fine. There is a lot of consequence free sex happening. It doesn't matter that it contradicts a view, your mistake is elevating them as representatives of th…

Which mistake? That there are conflicting descriptions of woman's POVs here? We probably should improve descriptions, so we wouldn't rely on ones somewhere and then rely on the opposites elsewhere.

okay lets rephrase: instead of "your mistake" its "your observation stems from..."

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#735

Post by trevyn »

agentwiggles wrote: post #558
benj111 wrote: post #526

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So church is a place you can go to hook up and have sex? They seem to be underselling that feature.

I'm going to answer assuming you're not being deliberately obtuse: Yes. Obviously it's not a bar where you're looking for a one night stand or a casual hookup. But churches as a general rule encourage their congregations to get together in a myriad of social settings. So yeah, if you were looking to meet a person who shared similar beliefs and values to you, joining a church would be a pretty decent way to get freque…

>I don't take my family to church but I do really miss the communal aspects of the whole enterprise, and wish there was a good way to get a similar vibe without the aspects of religion I don't like.

Maybe there's a Unitarian Universalist congregation near you?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unitarian_Universalism

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#736

Post by nradov »

avmich wrote: post #676
OkayPhysicist wrote: post #600

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's a huge difference between "being rejected, and a bit bummed about it" and "being rejected, and being traumatized by it". The only way anybody gets good at anything is repeated failures. While learning to ice skate, you get some bruises from falling on your ass. Get up, dust yourself off, keep trying. If you fall down and break your arm, maybe get some professional help before trying again.

There could be an ocean of difference between failures learning to skate and failures learning to get dates, to the point it's not interesting to compare. At very least to some people.

What's the difference? Both are skills that can be improved through frequent practice.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#737

Post by agentwiggles »

trevyn wrote: post #735
agentwiggles wrote: post #558

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm going to answer assuming you're not being deliberately obtuse: Yes. Obviously it's not a bar where you're looking for a one night stand or a casual hookup. But churches as a general rule encourage their congregations to get together in a myriad of social settings. So yeah, if you were looking to meet a person who shared similar beliefs and values to you, joining a church would be a pretty decent way to get freque…

> I don't take my family to church but I do really miss the communal aspects of the whole enterprise, and wish there was a good way to get a similar vibe without the aspects of religion I don't like. Maybe there's a Unitarian Universalist congregation near you? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unitarian_Universalism

You know, I've always kind of dismissed UU. Not sure why. Having taken a look at the website for our local congregation it actually sounds way better than I've given it credit for. Might have to check it out.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#738

Post by 0xbadcafebee »

bmn__ wrote: post #556
0xbadcafebee wrote: post #108

This is hilarious. They found that young men are having less sex, young women are not having less sex, and some young men are having way more sex. And they conclude the problem is "loneliness". No, dude, the problem is young men are increasingly not worth having sex with. This of course has precedence in the natural world. Not every male is always having sex. Most often, a smaller number of males that are considered…

> No, dude, the problem is young men are increasingly not worth having sex with. That's some victim blaming if I've ever seen one. No, dude, the problem is not that men have changed, but societal circumstances have, and women just act according to the new environment they have been afforded. Increasing one's market value (desirability) works, but that's doctoring the symptoms instead of healing the root cause. It cea…

Your argument proves my point. If it's true that women are "acting in accord with a new environment", and in the new environment, there is less need to have sex with them, or new standards dictate higher requirements for sex, then by definition their worth has been devalued... therefore, less worth having sex with.

It's also possible that men have changed, and are increasingly becoming hikikomori due to increased adoption of introverted online social pursuits, or increased pornography or toxic male cultures, or whatever reason you choose.

But regardless of whether they have changed or haven't, they are simply less valuable today, and they need to adapt if they want to have sex more. Hence the onus is on them to improve themselves. It's not victim-blaming, it's fact-stating.

The alternative would be to revert the culture. Jordan Petersen's fans would love it if women would just shut up and go back to the kitchen and do what they're told, I don't think women really like that idea.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#739

Post by mixmastamyk »

Qem wrote: post #642
mixmastamyk wrote: post #394

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Classes at the community college probably more useful these days.

Tried to get back to university as a means to socialize more, in my 30s. It didn't work as intended, because attending classes while holding a day job left very little time for actual socialization with my colleagues. Ended giving up. I think it would have worked better with more free time to invest on it.

Pick easier classes I guess? Less Calc III and more photography and ceramics. Something the target sex is over-represented in.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#740

Post by Spooky23 »

wonderwonder wrote: post #371
yamtaddle wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Shit I can drop like 3 (relative) points on the good ol' 10 scale just by traveling to different sections of my own city. And while I'm not bad by local standards I'm only like a 2 or a 3 in some cities I've visited. From "not bad" to "uggo" just by traveling to another city, without ethnicity being a factor.

how? Honestly I am not doubting you, I have just been married for a very long time so out of the game. Is it a presentation of wealth or dress style?

People find their tribes. A few years ago at work we were invaded by an intern army of what we affectionately called “dudebros”. They all had prince Harry style beards and talked about IPAs. By all accounts, the female interns were very polarized by the look.
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