Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem? • Hacker News Board

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#311

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:58 PM UTC

AdamH12113 wrote: post #217

itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

From what I've gathered by listening to women, there are fundamentally different problems. "Attention" is not valuable in itself. Getting spammed with dick pics is about as appealing as any other kind of spam. No one looks in their spam folder and thinks "Gosh, all of these advertisers think I have money to burn! What a great compliment!". It doesn't show any personal interest. It's not a sign that the other person i…

[deleted]

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#312

Post by charcircuit » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:58 PM UTC

f-securus wrote: post #5

Legalize prostitution and regulate safety and perhaps incels would build confidence and learn to socialize a bit from paid sexual interactions? I'm kind of ignorant to the subject of what is the cause of 'sexual loneliness' but I believe the world's oldest profession shouldn't be pushed into the shadows as that causes more problems than it prevents.

They would no longer be incels. Most incels wouldn't settle by using prostitutes.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#313

Post by password11 » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:59 PM UTC

zb3 wrote: post #33

The need itself is the problem, and it's really surprising noone looks at it this way. A drug that 'd make me completely asexual (with no orientation) is the real solution for me, as currently there's none available.

>A drug that'd make me completely asexual (with no orientation) is the real solution for me, as currently there's none available

Escitalopram or most other SSRIs will do the trick.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#314

Post by infp_arborist » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:59 PM UTC

Jensson wrote: post #268

dheera wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm single and male, and personally I don't feel a "need" for sex. I do wish other less intrusive forms of intimacy e.g. hugs could be more legitimized between single people, though. Sometimes I see pictures of cats cuddling and just wonder why humans are so bad at engaging in simple, consensual comforts like that.

Most animals are in heat just a small part of the time, humans are in heat all the time. Animals in heat behave a lot more like humans do regarding these things. Humans still have the genes to populate the earth, we haven't adapted to having a stable population yet where we don't optimize for maximum kids.

I would like to add that humans are in heat only when they are healthy and feel safe (emotionally, financially, physically). The traumatized modern western society tends to get in the way of this.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#315

Post by willmadden » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:59 PM UTC

dangond wrote: post #270

willmadden wrote: post #72

I'm curious how this comment will go over ;). The answer is not "tinder" and it's not about "sexual loneliness". Pair bonding weakens as people age and accumulate more sexual partners. We actively encourage people to delay pair bonding - mainly by discouraging "high school sweethearts" from marrying, and instead promoting college and pursuing careers over building families. This leads to atomized, lonely individuals…

I also feel that we'd be better off as a society if we emphasized and encouraged building strong inter-personal relationships over "pursuing a career", but appealing to tradition isn't a great argument. Building a strong social sense of unity and cohesion is good enough for me. On the other hand, "those values exist for a reason" is just as convincing as "we got rid of those values for a reason". Our societies also g…

>Our societies also grew a lot with the help of slavery and child labor

I'm not advocating for slavery or child labor. I'm advocating for prioritizing healthy pair bonding and acknowledging that this is more likely to happen earlier in life. The "population crisis" in Japan and other countries in the West is self inflicted. We actively promote decisions that do not lead to healthy families for the majority of people. It's lead to a reproductive rate well below replacement levels and far, far too many single parent households. It's not a mystery.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#316

Post by zozbot234 » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 6:00 PM UTC

AdamH12113 wrote: post #217

itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

From what I've gathered by listening to women, there are fundamentally different problems. "Attention" is not valuable in itself. Getting spammed with dick pics is about as appealing as any other kind of spam. No one looks in their spam folder and thinks "Gosh, all of these advertisers think I have money to burn! What a great compliment!". It doesn't show any personal interest. It's not a sign that the other person i…

> The difference in experiences starts early in life. For boys, girls showing interest in them is often an exciting and empowering experience.

Hence, if you're going to try and show interest in a woman, do it in a way that's clearly going to be interesting, exciting and empowering to her, even if she doesn't seem to reciprocate sexually. (Which in practice means you'll need to show genuine social interest and friendship to her, combined with a modicum of sexual interest that's demonstrably connoted as non-threatening. Mostly by showing yourself off as sexually attractive and attainable, and leaving it at that. Yes, it's very unintuitive from a male POV - many males will reject this approach as weak. But a neutral assessment of strategy says it will work, and give women what they're mostly looking for.)

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#317

Post by Manuel_D » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 6:00 PM UTC

todfox wrote: post #278

Sexual loneliness and frustration is strange to me. I accept that it is real and painful for many people. But I just don't understand how the desire for sex drives people to take risks with their health and safety, or how the lack of it causes despair or violence. What is the big deal about sex anyway? Why do some guys go crazy if they can't have sexual intimacy? A lot of time and effort for what, ten minutes of plea…

When viewed through a biological lens, celibacy guarantees you'll never pass on your genes. A 50/50 chance of getting laid or dying is evolutionarily a better choice than a life of celibacy.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#318

Post by Der_Einzige » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 6:00 PM UTC

cuuupid wrote: post #28

itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

To be fair this is not entirely due to social dynamics but rather due to MatchGroup companies following identical monetization patterns. They’re just capitalizing on male desperation and artificially widening or narrowing the gap depending on how much you pay. If you observe the actual dating climate it’s nowhere near this bad and in larger cities like NYC it can even be closer to 1:1. Rather than a social problem th…

Can't speak for NYC but this is not true for the west coast tech hubs (SF, Seattle, Portland). In these places, even 300K per year tech wealth isn't enough to make one attractive to the opposite sex.

I've talked about it on other threads but where and how you earn your money matters. 300K per year as a lawyer = sexy and powerful. Even "don draper" vibes. 300K as a SWE? The moment you mention this at a bar the girl knows you went to university courses that averaged 9 men to 1 woman. They know you're likely on the ASD spectrum. The know "the odds are good but the goods are odd".

This is why blind is filled with posts by high earning folks who can't ever get a single date. It's hard out there and thinking that you can beta-bux your way out of it in a west coast city isn't going to work out for you.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#319

Post by the_only_law » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 6:00 PM UTC

rightbyte wrote: post #160

spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

> The only advice I've told them is to get out of any online stuff and hit bars. They need your wife to bring her single friends to the bar. If they have a hard time reaching out to women hitting bars without friends won't help them much.

For some reason at the bar people don’t ever talk to me until I’ve been drinking for so long I sound like an idiot.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#320

Post by pmarreck » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 6:00 PM UTC

japanman425 wrote: post #269

thwayunion wrote: post #59

The article correctly identifies that lack of intimacy and relationships are serious problems, with sexual loneliness being a related comorbidity (if you will). The comments, so far, predictably drift toward "how do we get everyone laid?" Giving everyone access to sex will not solve sexual loneliness. And, solving (a lot of) sexual loneliness can be achieved without giving everyone access to sex. Anecdotally, I spent…

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If some perceived desirable accomplishment is retold as an experience without obvious boasting and with wisdom drawn from it, I think that responding with insecurity is delegitimizing only to you, not them