Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem? • Hacker News Board

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#291

Post by damascus » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:55 PM UTC

efa wrote: post #175

spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

Aren't bars similar to dating sites? A forum for men to compete with other men for women. I would think they'd have better luck with group activities (rec sports, craft/hobby stuff) or online groups devoted to something (restaurant enthusiasts, etc).

Not really the same at all. People in bars tend to be much more willing to engage with others than they are on the apps. Its very easy to set insanely high standards when the next person is only a swipe away.. compared to in person you can see 'these are all of my options so pick someone and see how it goes'

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#292

Post by finnh » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:55 PM UTC

japanman425 wrote: post #269

thwayunion wrote: post #59

The article correctly identifies that lack of intimacy and relationships are serious problems, with sexual loneliness being a related comorbidity (if you will). The comments, so far, predictably drift toward "how do we get everyone laid?" Giving everyone access to sex will not solve sexual loneliness. And, solving (a lot of) sexual loneliness can be achieved without giving everyone access to sex. Anecdotally, I spent…

[flagged]

I think the post was sensitively written about a topic that can be touchy. It's pretty easy for someone to get on the apps and have sex with people they don't have much in common with, I don't think we need to consider that a humble-brag.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#293

Post by ajross » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:56 PM UTC

mellosouls wrote: post #198

ajross wrote: post #148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. So, I promise I'm not just picking on the phrasing (though yeah, the phrasing is pretty bad). I find it amazing that you went through that whole discussion about the perspective of your seemingly-hetero-male-only social environment without once recognizing that intimacy is a two-way transaction and that the other party needs to get something in return. Everyo…

You seem to be missing the point that has been made many times here that these studies and reports are demonstrating that a significant number of ordinary men are not even getting to the point they can negotiate a "transaction". The imbalance since the onset of online dating is huge and it and its dismissal with implied equivalence on each side is a real problem for society.

> The imbalance is huge

This is overstating the case. This can all be measured. Statistics like median number of partners, age at marriage, etc... are indeed all trending downward and growing more asymmetric between men and women. The linked article cites a few studies like this. But it's not a "huge" effect.

This is a meme, created largely by feedback communities like the incel folks. Note, FWIW, the Betteridge question mark in the title of the linked paper. Contra everyone's assumptions here, it does not seem to be presenting solid evidence for a "public health problem".

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#294

Post by VincentEvans » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:56 PM UTC

I think you lot should get off apps and approach women the old-fashioned way. I am ok looking guy and have not encountered any problems meeting women my entire life. But one thing I can say that my experience with that is entirely IRL so to speak, I’ve never bothered with apps, never even downloaded one.

I have freckles, speak with an accent, and not at all athletic (though not what one might call fat either). I drive a ford truck. Just your average software engineer.

One word of advice I can offer - is that women (and same goes for men) often become a lot more attractive when you see them in person, get to know them, learn what they are like, see them smile and experience emotions. All the things you can never understand by looking at a pic in an app. And as you interact with them - they too will see you in a new light.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#295

Post by infp_arborist » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:56 PM UTC

dheera wrote: post #210

FearlessNebula wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah everyone seems to be very focused on sex whereas to me the problem is not fostering intimate connections in the first place. We don’t have an epidemic of relationships that aren’t having sex, we’re having an epidemic of people who aren’t fostering those relationships and as a downstream byproduct they aren’t having sex. Pay a prostitute is a bandaid patch on the downstream problem, but it will never makeup for t…

I'm single and male, and personally I don't feel a "need" for sex. I do wish other less intrusive forms of intimacy e.g. hugs could be more legitimized between single people, though. Sometimes I see pictures of cats cuddling and just wonder why humans are so bad at engaging in simple, consensual comforts like that.

I totally agree. In no way is it helpful to see sex as a need. I prefer to see it as a strategy (and sometimes fixation).

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#296

Post by nannal » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:56 PM UTC

willcipriano wrote: post #112

notch656c wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Tinder is straight up depressing for the median dude. My mind was blown just how much harder it was to get a date on tinder vs getting a date in real life. I can do the latter pretty easily but trying to get one on tinder would be like months of constant effort to then get ditched before the date even starts. It feels like 90% of women on there are chasing the top 10% of dudes and not settling for anything else.

Those 10% dudes are smart enough not to settle for a 90% woman for more than a few dates when they can pull a new one off the app at a moments notice. In the end they are the only winners in this situation.

Tinder appears to be doing fairly well given it's their situation that they've engineered.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#297

Post by voldacar » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:56 PM UTC

Meta, but it's interesting how many comments here are reflexively blaming men and their collective behaviour for this. On its face this seems irrational since who has sex in present day culture is basically gatekept by women. There appears to be this bizarre cultural taboo or cognitive bias where women can (collectively) have agency but when they use that agency to make decisions that harm others, you aren't allowed to criticize them collectively because that would be immoral or something.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#298

Post by nicky0 » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:56 PM UTC

frognumber wrote: post #24

I am happy about the study, since I think this is underresearched. However, I think Gini Index this is a horrible way to look at it. Regular sex is important, but regularly switching sex partners isn't really how I want to live my life. I don't want 50 lifetime partners, 38, 15, or even 12. I wanted one. That I have more than one is a sign of failure of a relationship each time, which is not a success. If I had my ch…

"Regular sex is important" - in what way?

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#299

Post by dsign » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:57 PM UTC

Homo Sapiens evolved to be uber-sexual[^1]. But at some point we decided we were only going to have a very narrow type of sex partner in a very narrow set of conditions, and doing otherwise would be a social taboo. Fast-forward, we live in a world where guys' natural needs go unfulfilled. Who figures.

Don't hate me for saying this, but if you are one of those guys who can't get laid with the girl they want: broaden your scope. Try to date the girl who would be your number 3 choice, or your boss' wife, or try an intimate friend of your same sex. Also, stop watching Netflix and Hollywood movies, that's not how life works.

--- [^1] I'm basing this on some reading of "Sex at Dawn". Call that work disreputable if you may, but it's written by scientists.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#300

Post by clint » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:57 PM UTC

todfox wrote: post #278

Sexual loneliness and frustration is strange to me. I accept that it is real and painful for many people. But I just don't understand how the desire for sex drives people to take risks with their health and safety, or how the lack of it causes despair or violence. What is the big deal about sex anyway? Why do some guys go crazy if they can't have sexual intimacy? A lot of time and effort for what, ten minutes of plea…

Many boys spend nearly their entire first 18 years of their lives stewing in an extremely toxic media/community/family ecosystem where sexual virility and your ability to have sex with women is _directly_ correlated with status and success in life. Similarly, your in-abililty to attract members of the opposite sex is _directly_ correlated with your status as a loser and station in life.