Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave

I was in two minds about writing this but in the end the thought of preventing someone going through what I went through is enough to tip the scales.

As per title, sometimes in life you don't realise how toxic something can be until you leave it behind, no matter that be a bad habit, a relationship or even work. Sometimes it can be so toxic that you'd consider ending it all (as i did) because there is no visible way out and keeping the money flowing in at the same time when people depend on you. I am here to say thats not the case. Good stuff can happen.

Under another name on here I wrote about my previous job and I felt stuck because if I left I walked away on a large chunk of stock options. That and my age made me feel really depressed and unwanted.

I was driven to actively contemplate suicide due to my boss and his shitty attitudes and issues but no one actually seemed to care. Even then I convinced myself with "aww, it's not so bad" when in reality it was absolutely horrific. Getting out of bed became a real battle. People bitch about people being too lazy to get out of bed but some of those people will not be able to get out of bed because they are so depressed they see no point in it because "it's still gonna suck". I was so sidelined that I could literally disappear for an entire day/days and no-one would notice.

I had a "top 10 dick of the year" award boss who didn't like me at all and proactively sidelined me so much it left me nothing to do on a daily basis. That said, in a large company you can cruise for years and that's what I did. The previous boss was a good guy but he left to pursue better options. Things where quite good back then actually.

Just doing nothing sounds awesome. It's not. It's crap. Imagine having to sit at a workstation for months and years, having to be "present" with nothing to actually do but make some some BS stuff to appear busy. Even doing training courses and such becomes boring after a while. It was a kind of mental prison and my boss truly didn't give a flying you-know-what. Imagine having nothing in your week to justify the normal desire to do something useful. I even wrote scripts to make life better but my boss wouldn't consider them because I wrote them.

Anyhow, it all came to a head and I ended up moving on... (cant go into that too much) and my new job pays much better money and is 500% more interesting and I get to play with cool new technologies. It makes you realise what crap you will really put up with and how from an impartial viewpoint you should have just "nope'd" out of it years ago but the status-quo is just easier to maintain.

Looking back at it I knew my time was up a long time ago but I didn't have the courage to jump. It caused me so much misery and anguish. Looking back on the experience, I wasted several years of my life working for someone who didn't nurture or appreciate talent with his sociopathic tendencies. It's only after all these things have happened that you realise the effects it had.

As an example, my faith in myself is utterly crushed. My new boss has recognised a lot of the mental snot has been virtually beat out of me and is understanding and I am grateful for that and is very helpful.

Recovery will take time but at least I know I wont get verbally berated every time something isn't perfect.

For those that this resonates with, I am not saying jump out right now but plan to just get out, even if a new job pays less or means going into a less demanding job. You can always make more money later but you can't get your time back. I suspect it will take years to get my confidence back but I am so glad to be out of a terrible situation.

It's only when you leave you realise how truly terrible it was. I am however still resentful over the lost years.

I’m glad you are in a better situation now. Hopefully you will be able to eventually heal. I hope you have someone to talk about this - a spouse, friend, priest or therapist, whatever works for you. Good luck!

Thanks for your vulnerability and sharing your story. Good for you for moving forward and moving on, glad it's working out for you. I've been in several bad situations, maybe not quite as bad as yours, and every time I get out I have nearly the same realization as you did - it just wasn't worth it. Whatever valid reasons I thought I had for staying were almost never worth the anguish and pain of sticking it out. I resent those people and situations too, and I try to fight it by remembering that resentment is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies.

This is called "learned helplessness." I read an article on this where a dog would encounter electric shocks and it got to the point where the dog wouldn't even try to jump or leave the area with the electric shocks because it just assumed that the electric shocks were going to keep happening.

Whenever you think to yourself "why bother changing, it's just going to be as bad as it is here" that is learned helplessness, and you correct that the way you did, by leaving the situation. It's a coping mechanism for people that doesn't have the physical, mental or emotional energy to endure a change to get themselves out of a bad situation and it's a trap.

Congrats on working your way out of the bad situation and hopefully this empowerment continues with your for the rest of your life!

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