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Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

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Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#201

Post by jamal-kumar »

CalRobert wrote: post #105

Well, there's https://twitter.com/defconparties of course. I just spent a good amount of time talking to a therapist (first time) about how painfully lonely I am. I moved to the countryside because the city was too unaffordable but friends I used to see a couple times a month are now a couple times a year. And I just had my 40th where my wife invited one of her friends (another couple with kids) and it was nice, but…

I love sneaking into defcon and blackhat. They let me in with a coffee cup lid on some lanyard I had in 2019, I just dressed like a federal agent and took off my sunglasses aggressively and made eye contact to divert the goon's gaze from the extremely fake badge upon entry. It's a real shame they took away the contest for fake badges but there's a bunch of us who make a point of getting away with it still.

I really just go for partycon though

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#202

Post by nlnn »

fnordpiglet wrote: post #188
nlnn wrote: post #152

I've noticed the same as well. My main hypothesis is that parties are just less interesting to all concerned because they're not that novel, and often just retreading old ground. When you're younger, parties are full of new experiences, lives are often changing rapidly (e.g. jobs/relationships/homes), so parties feel like a worthwhile way to spend time. As people get older and get more settled, then parties often fee…

I find parties that revolve around a common interest work better than “come and speak drunk at me” events. Board games, painting miniatures, LAN games (which is basically just online games in the same room), or if you’re one of the normals watching a sportsball event, dvd watching night, or if you have kids inviting other kids over with their parents. I imagine people without kids start having a really hard time. Par…

Yup, that's exactly the sort of thing I was thinking. Having a narrow focus means friends know exactly what they're going to get out of the evening, which makes it easier for them to decide whether to attend or not.

Same goes for me too, if a friend invites me over for board games, great, I'm up for that. If a friend invites me over for a general hang out, that could mean the even goes in any number of directions, some of which I'd be less interested in (e.g. heavy drinking, watching sports), so I'd be less likely to attend.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#203

Post by MarkusWandel »

Speaking as one who used to host (along with spouse of course) the occasional dinner party, brunch, whatever and now doesn't, there are two factors:

1. Kids (older than the "small and cute" stage). 2. Out of practice due to COVID! Worry about the virus is pretty low now, but in the meantime the clutter has grown, social connections have weakened, and the longer you don't have a gathering the less confidence you have to organize one.

The kids thing has multiple angles. One is that with all their stuff the house is a lot messier than it used to be, so much more intertia to make it presentable. Another is than active social life exists to fill a need for companionship that is just not as strong when you have multiple humans around you 100% of the time. The third is that the social crowd's growing kids have the same effect on them!

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#204

Post by curiousllama »

wheats wrote: post #189
curiousllama wrote: post #135

One thing I observed moving cities recently, and realized has been true for much of my life: there's a pretty small number of people who actually organize things. As the density of your social network naturally decreases, you may have lost a few eigenvector-central social network nodes. Think back to those work parties: were they really spontaneous, or did "Janice in Accounting" always seem to step up? For me, there…

>"The best thing I did was become the shameless type of person who actively tries to create/join/combine social circles. It pretty quickly put me in touch with other people who do the same, and my social circle grew naturally after that." Any advice? That's a hard thing to do!

For sure. Assuming you have a few friends to start:

(0) Reach out to everyone. Everyone. That old college acquaintance you just noticed is in your city? Get coffee/happy hour. You never know who's looking for more friends.

(1) Encourage people to invite/bring their friends when you organize something. Hit up one friend for happy hour/food. "You've mentioned [coworker] a few times before - would he/she want to join us?"

(2) Host (implied) large group gatherings. Easy to say "come over, and bring whoever!" I like sports, so I host for the super bowl, World cup, March Madness, etc. - but could be anything. Throw parties for other peoples' birthday/going away/coming-to-the-city. Advance level: some bars are often open to "hosting" an event - they'll just rope off an area if you promise X people will show up.

(3) Host recurring events. Board Game nights, poker nights, dinner parties, wine club, etc. Great way to deepen relationships.

(4) Start group chats. Much easier to maintain a relationship with 4 group chats than 20 individuals. If one can't get critical mass, post the plan in another.

(5) Be actively welcoming. Make a point to intro yourself to new people/social stragglers on the edge, and greet people by name when they show up in a new-ish space (e.g., my friend brings his new gf to a board game night; she doesn't know many people here; stand up and say "Hello Janice! Great to finally meet you. How has your week been?"). Forge connection, don't just co-exist in the same space.

I'm sure there's more...

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#205

Post by [deleted] »

motohagiography wrote: post #184

I don't invite people over anymore because their fussiness scales negatively - where if you want to mix 5 people who each have a rule about what they cannot abide, the common denominator is rarely special enough to leave the house for. Between the discretionary lifestyle demands of vegetarians, vegans, non-glutens, non-porks, non-drinkers, anti-smokers, non-problematics, non-outdoorsies, hover-parents, maskers, and t…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#206

Post by spoiler »

motohagiography wrote: post #184

I don't invite people over anymore because their fussiness scales negatively - where if you want to mix 5 people who each have a rule about what they cannot abide, the common denominator is rarely special enough to leave the house for. Between the discretionary lifestyle demands of vegetarians, vegans, non-glutens, non-porks, non-drinkers, anti-smokers, non-problematics, non-outdoorsies, hover-parents, maskers, and t…

A friend recently introduced me to this quote, and even though it generalises a little[1], I think it ring true:

> Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.

I think we're entering that last cycle again, where people are inventing trivial hardships for themselves, because media teaches them that only a life with some type of adversity is worth living.

In other words, everyone is desperate to be a protagonist in what is an extremely comfortable world, so they invent villains. Then they post about their great protagonism on social media. In part, I think, this is due to the neurosis created by the fakeness of social media.

Also, since all achievements on social media are pixel-thin, it is also turning people into equally shallow reprobates.

The recent trend of unironically calling people "NPCs" and "bots" just reinforces these beliefs, IMO.

[1]: I also find it a bit funny we have to put these types of disclaimers everywhere, since everyone goes out of their way to be offended over trivialities

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#207

Post by zxexz »

pavlov wrote: post #69

I'm 42 and last year moved back to my home country. We wanted to throw a housewarming party but getting enough people in one place on a specific day at a specific time seemed like an impossible challenge. Everybody had busy schedules for their precious August weekends anyway. We ended up doing a full-weekend party where people could drop by whenever they can. The first guests came on Friday around 6 pm and the last o…

I've done weekend-long drop-in/drop-out parties many times before. Every single one, while exhausting, has been incredibly memorable and will be remembered for the rest of my life.

You don't have to be around for the whole thing either, you can easily take some time to read or otherwise relax if you have enough friends coming over - nothing weird about friends hanging out in your house without you present.

I used to give out house keys to most of my friends and encourage them to come by whenever - if I'm not around, if I'm busy, or just plain exhausted, I won't hang out, but it's still a safe and fun place for people to gather. This often led to spontaneous 'parties'. I remember once a friend was in the area and came over with ingredients for a dish she had been wanting to create. Enough people ended up randomly showing up, it led to one of the most memorable and wonderful dinner parties of my life!

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#208

Post by [deleted] »

motohagiography wrote: post #184

I don't invite people over anymore because their fussiness scales negatively - where if you want to mix 5 people who each have a rule about what they cannot abide, the common denominator is rarely special enough to leave the house for. Between the discretionary lifestyle demands of vegetarians, vegans, non-glutens, non-porks, non-drinkers, anti-smokers, non-problematics, non-outdoorsies, hover-parents, maskers, and t…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#209

Post by QUrprUd1nCeicw »

motohagiography wrote: post #184

I don't invite people over anymore because their fussiness scales negatively - where if you want to mix 5 people who each have a rule about what they cannot abide, the common denominator is rarely special enough to leave the house for. Between the discretionary lifestyle demands of vegetarians, vegans, non-glutens, non-porks, non-drinkers, anti-smokers, non-problematics, non-outdoorsies, hover-parents, maskers, and t…

As someone who has health problems that forcibly put me in at least a few of those "discretionary lifestyle demands," it's a little condescending for you to just dismiss it later as "neuroticism and anxiety about maintaining purity." The worst is probably COVID-related -- immunocompromised people have been complaining for these past couple of years about how the world just stopped taking COVID seriously and they still have a point. Society is still effectively shut down for them and very few people seem to care.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#210

Post by willtemperley »

fckgnad wrote: post #163
willtemperley wrote: post #120

I'm 43 and partying a lot on a beach in Thailand. I know many other software engineers and testers here who are doing the same, although the climbing around here (Krabi) does compete with our time. One friend works on corporate software while DJing psytrance on the beach.

This is how you keep the parties going. Get single and travel to a place with a lot of travelers.

Preferably travellers that have shared interests with you - then the barriers of age don't matter nearly as much. Some of my favourite people here are pensioners - pensioners that get out and do stuff.
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