Ask HN: What do you talk about in 1-on-1s with your managers?

Why not {highest title} + {highest on pay band for that title}? Why not make more money earlier?

I think the reason why I've found 1:1's so effective is because of the recurring schedule. We're all busy people, and having a structured time to sit down and talk about things helps, even when we don't think it will initially. Yes, bringing up and resolving issues in real time is still key, but there are always things that slip because we have more pressing concerns or we just never found the right time to discuss the issue.

It's like having regular meetings with a mentor, coach, or even a counsellor. I find these meetings to be very useful because the discussion inevitably leads to revelations that I would otherwise not have thought of. Could they have been discovered ad-hoc? Some of them, maybe. But it would be a coin toss with the hundreds of other distractions and responsibilities tugging us from every direction. Even with my spouse, I've found that having regular meetings where we sit down and really talk about things has been extremely helpful.

That being said, everyone runs 1:1s differently and I've been on some really bad 1:1s that had no value or always ended with a negative, bitter taste in my mouth. I use it as an opportunity to connect personally and to provide coaching and mentoring towards their goals, especially when they align with company goals. I then poke and prod in a way to really get at what the other person is thinking and feeling, what they are struggling with, and ultimately what the root cause of the problems are. The key in my mind is to surface issues that would otherwise not be discussed, and normalize it. I then work diligently with them to make sure we're addressing those issues, and if I have action items to report back to them on how I've been able to make progress. 1:1s are definitely not the only way of approaching this, but the one I've found the most effective.

Granted, some individuals are very vocal and constantly raise and discuss issues outside of the 1:1s to the point where we don't need them as frequently. For them I just push out the schedule more and have them less frequently, or we just use the extra time to again, build that relationship.

worked both in US and EU, same.

I actually asked my manager to increase the frequency of my 1:1s from bi-weekly to weekly. It's never status updates/work stuff. It's more on the mental plane.

We ponder a lot on self reflection and self-improvement. There is no 'agenda'. I like to think it's more of a flow state discussion combined with a good chemistry where there is no notion of being judged. The room quickly becomes a safe place to talk about anything and everything.

Sometimes, we would talk about how things are going in my personal life. How has my sleep been. Am I mindful of the things that could be holding me back? If yes, what am I doing to unblock myself. If not, he pushes me to the right direction of thinking and I strike gold. Every time.

Soemtimes, we 'thonk': he brings up very tough questions:

- The last time you cried, was it out of emotional pain or remorse?

- If you could chose, who would be your ideal sibling?

We both answer, we both discuss.

I think we're both suckers of productivity and these 'sessions' activates my brain on a whole new level. Which is the main muscle for knowledge workers like us.

I would have these 1:1s twice a week. But I also know his calendar looks like Van Gogh's artwork. ---

Here's why I never talk about work with him:

- I am fine unblocking myself at work. If I'm dependent on another team, I talk to the team and I resolve it. I include him on a barely negligible threshold.

- I seldom complain about tasks I'm working on. Understand this: not every task is going to be exciting (how else will you differentiate between the boring ones?). It's a task. It's come to pass.

- I seldom bring up people and compatibility mismatches with my team. If I do bring up, it is to validate whether the way I resolved it could be better.

- I bring up salary. But I also know he is not my employer. We both report to the same employer.

I think the reason we work (I like to think I'm very difficult to manage..) is because I put myself into his shoes when I ask him for help/support.