Engineers Who Are Jerks

I got older. As I got older, I got more empathy - maybe partly just from getting older, but partly also by working on myself. I prayed and meditated a lot, trying to figure out why I was chasing the things I was chasing. The ego boost of being a jerk is one of those things I was sometimes chasing. Why? What was I really looking for there?

I also got married. And then I had kids. I got to see, up close and in my face, the damage that being a jerk did to other people - people I cared about, people that I either had to just continue to look at the damage or try to pick up the pieces. Seeing the hurt on peoples' faces quickly took the fun out of being a jerk.

If it is narcissism (never their fault, poor self-esteem, big external ego, manipulative, entitlement, can create a good impression then backstab) then it depends on whether it is a friend, or yourself.

If your friend has narcissist tendencies, the usual advice is to very carefully extricate yourself, there is little hope of change. See https://youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism Skip first 40 seconds and the last 2 minutes of his vids.

If it is you, then seek the opinions of others on your faults, without hitting back with excuses. We can easily see faults in others. It is hard to see faults in ourselves, and even harder to change our behaviours. See https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CUp5iBYroBA

I probably have been that guy. Especially when younger, and very 'in the weeds' of code. It was laced with my opinions about how to solve the problem. I thought my main outcome was some "pure" sense of well implemented code that stood the test of time. I really prided myself on my craft. Who were these interlopers coming in to my perfect paradise and fouling the place up?

Then I became more senior and realized:

(a) it turns out not everyone thinks like me and what I think is 'pure' (surprise surprise!)

(b) holding tightly to my attitude of good code, means I live by some attitude that only I can solve the problem. Which is a sure way to get overworked and burn out.

(c) it's also cool + fulfilling to level other people up and grow them. And often they want to learn. Because then they bring their other fun + hard problems to you, and you also don't have to maintain the original stuff forever - see point (b)

(d) I was embarrassingly wrong enough to need to learn some humility

(e) Related to (d) I won't grow if I always think the same

My guess is that in my case, I experienced some early narcissism - basically all teenagers and young adults - but grew out of it. Especially as I matured, had more leadership roles, and had kids

Note though that even to this day, I get the "grumps" when I have to manage some sudden opinion not in line with mine. I eventually swallow my pride and it usually is an educational moment.

I've learned I'd rather have a well loved piece of code held together with duct tape and bailing wire with the misery shared with the team, then my own perfect, isolated place where only I understand how things work.

Why would I change? I'm perfect! It's the rest of the team that needs to change, or get fired.