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Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

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Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#101

Post by jrgoff »

starkd wrote: post #2

"Contrary to people’s forecasts, they were more likable the more they spoke, and their partners formed global rather than differentiated impressions." In my experience, reticence to talk is mostly about fear of saying something stupid, which generally happens when you don't have anything to say but your trying to say something. Assigning people to talk for abitrary portions of the conversation might just cause you to…

Your experience agrees with my experience of myself. Growing up I was the youngest child in our family friend group and particularly had an older sibling who basically bullied me - I learned to be reticent to speak and was definitely afraid of saying something stupid. When I got a little older (in high school) I eventually got curious about how so many of my peers seemed to converse easily without fear of saying anything stupid. Upon observation I realized that my peers said stupid stuff all the time and for the most part nobody cared. I think to some extent position in the social pecking order probably mattered more for how people would react to what someone said than specifically what they said.

I sometimes think about something similar while watching sitcoms - the characters will often say/do mean things to each other for a laugh and because everyone on the show reacts as though what was said was okay/normal it seems to barely register to me how mean it actually was.

I think growing up with a critical sibling lead to me developing a self-critical voice that I carried around with me so even if externally people didn't react poorly to something "stupid" I said, internally I provided myself that negative feedback that reinforced my fears/beliefs. I think the self-critical voice was protective when it developed - it helped me avoid the more painful external feedback from my sibling, but it continued on long after that was useful.

Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#103

Post by crocktucker »

MichaelZuo wrote: post #51
rootusrootus wrote: post #50

As with everything else, it seems, my anecdotal experience suggests a balance is usually the best overall answer. People with diarrhea of the mouth aren't much fun to talk to, but either are people who won't say more than three words at a time. Same with what you talk about. People like to talk about themselves, but many of them are interested in hearing about you too. Just keep it under control, and lob that convers…

Why not?

I couldn't say. [I'm no fun to talk to either.]

Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#104

Post by themitigating »

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #90
themitigating wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm guilty of one worded replies that get downvoted. I do get annoyed since I'm basically poking the parent for an explanation.

But that's not a good way of doing it. A one-word reply rarely makes clear what needs more explanation, or even that that's what you're after. On the other hand, a low-effort, drive-by unsupported claim doesn't necessarily deserve great effort and eloquence in a response. Maybe we should be better than them, but we also all have limited energy.

That's just it and I do need to make a choice, have a thoughtful reply or ignore the statement.

Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#105

Post by themitigating »

rootusrootus wrote: post #96
themitigating wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm guilty of one worded replies that get downvoted. I do get annoyed since I'm basically poking the parent for an explanation.

Some of us are kind of dense. I did not reply to the "Why not?" reply because I could not decide if it was intentionally a question about one of the things I said, or if it was a tongue-in-cheek example of someone who only uses three words or less. Pretend I am dense, and give me a better idea of what I didn't explain well enough, and I'm happy to oblige. Everything I say makes sense in my head but I don't always com…

Did you reply to me saying why with why not or was that an example?

Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#106

Post by MichaelZuo »

rootusrootus wrote: post #97
MichaelZuo wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Did you reply to the wrong comment? My prior comment doesn't seem downvoted.

Right now it does look like it attracted one or two downvotes. I did not reply to you because I didn't understand what you were asking. I thought maybe you were just being cheeky with a 'not more than three words at a time' response.

That's curious, the score must have been bouncing around a lot via a lot of upvotes and downvotes.

I was being partially cheeky with the answer, though it was also partially genuine, i.e. why are conversations with either loud mouths or silent types unappealing?

Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#107

Post by janeerie »

skorpeon87 wrote: post #93
clnq wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, people with diarrhea of the mouth make most conversations dry, one-sided, and very dull after you already know what that person's side of the story is. It's much worse if that side of the story is self-serving. That is a good analogy with throwing a ball in the conversation. Imagine ball sports where only one person is participating. That's what a one-sided conversation feels like.

I find the most frustrating conversations are with people who can't stop talking and who fail to distinguish what is or isn't important information for other people in the conversation. > How was your flight? > Oh it was great, I sat next to a man named Joe Smoe, wait no I think his name was Joe Blow... no he said his name was Jim Blow... wait no his name was Jim Smoe... he said he was bus driver.. or was it a truck…

Oh, so you’ve met my father-in-law?

Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#108

Post by aaron695 »

asaph wrote: post #5

One of the often repeated pearls of wisdom from How to Win Friends and Influence People[0] by Dale Carnegie, is people like to talk about themselves and they’ll like you more if you let them do that in a conversation. I’m paraphrasing. This research seems to counter that. [0] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influ...

No post body was provided.

Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#109

Post by oceanplexian »

JadeNB wrote: post #79

Surely what you say is as important as how much you talk. I suppose you can assign someone literally to just fill up a certain percentage of a conversation with words (though I wouldn't trust someone accurately to gauge whether they were speaking, say, 30% of the time or 40% of the time), but you can't assign someone to have something to say a given percentage of the time.

On a certain level what you are taking about matters. But lots of times it doesn’t. When I’m in a pub talking to someone about their weather, or what they’re drinking, or a sports game, I don’t really care about the content of the conversation.

A lot of the time conversations are just there to have some company and socializing is for the sake of socializing.

Re: Mistaken beliefs about how much to talk in conversations

#110

Post by bawolff »

clnq wrote: post #78
openfuture wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Since you got answered in downvotes I suspect the answer is "because people will switch languages on you"

I've recently seen many good and curious comments "answered in downvotes." Maybe I can't read the room, but why does that happen? Is there a way to phrase statements that challenge others in a way that leads to conversation and not flags/greying out?

I thought person was making a kind of lame joke, demonstrating why people who don't say more than three words are no fun to talk to (and hence downvoted)
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