Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Intentionally making close friends

neelnanda.io

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

241–250 of 323 posts

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#241

Post by archagon »

l33tbro wrote: post #95

This is kind of sad. It just feels like OP has built this enormous apparatus over some emotional void they've picked up in their development. Making friends just isn't that hard for the vast majority of people. If you're having to use reverse engineering and problem solving to form emotional connections, then you might want to spend the time in therapy and working through what caused you to be emotionally stunted.

Why are you so weirdly judgemental/insecure(?) about this very earnest post?

> Making friends just isn't that hard for the vast majority of people.

Good for you and the vast majority of people, I guess...?

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#242

Post by zelphirkalt »

timoth3y wrote: post #17

“If you go out looking for friends, they are scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere.” ― Zig Ziglar

The number of people I have tried to be friends with, but who not treated me like one -- I think it sounds catchy, but is not true at all, at least in my circles.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#243

Post by ge96 »

Late 20s (username not for age)

I used to have tiers of friends in HS and a lot in college. I put a lot of effort into it being a glue between people. Overtime I tried less and less to do that. Even pulling inwards like hiding in my room during parties. Now I have 3 close friends. Real friends. Crazy how you change over time.

I had a best friend but one day we just split. My current friends I do most of the engaging. Since I'm always online/wfh. I'm also a loner/not an extrovert. So yeah... I know you could try to change but I am the looks down at the ground, shy person now. Before I was a jackass which could be good because I was not as limited. Now I just have this constant questioning if I did something cringe.

There is a messed up thought. Pretty much all of our interaction is a chat/text. Since we all live in different states/but we were around each other during childhood. Aside from occasional photos... It's almost like you could replace them with bots since the medium is electronic.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#244

Post by ChuckNorris89 »

cycomanic wrote: post #163
ChuckNorris89 wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>If you can make it easy* for the other person (by handling the approach, scheduling, etc). They'll be as willing as in uni days* That's definitely not true, or at least not my experience. Everyone I ask out to join me for various activities, has an excuse, usually busy or other plans with someone else, and they never follow up for a rain check. People over 30, even single/child-free, seem to be very busy with their…

In my experience both of you are right. There are many people who are very "desperate" for friendships, especially if they have not lived in the same place for 20+ years. On the other hand there are a bunch of people who are so much in their routines they are not open to do anything out of the ordinary. The ironic thing is that even those are often desperate for friends, they just struggle to break their routines (so…

>There are many people who are very "desperate" for friendships

Being desperate for friendships, in my experience, usually has the opposite effect of making people avoid you even more. Especially if you're over 30. People seem to be wired to think that "if you're a grown adult and have no friends by now, then it's probably because there's something wrong with you, and is risky for me to be the first one to take a leap of faith in you if nobody has done it so far". Usually people who already have many friends easily attract more, as it signals you're already a sociable and valuable "tribe member". Same with romantic relationships.

>Just say yes if somebody asks you to go to the arcade

That assumes there are people who ask you. If nobody asks you, then what? In my experience after I moved abroad, almost nobody asked me anywhere despite me learning the local language, making efforts to socialize, strike up conversations and exchange phone numbers. Even when I was the one initiating asking people to go places rarely end in a positive response. I think it's a cultural thing. The country I live now, people are very cold, distanced and keep to themselves, and meeting and engaging people you don't know very well is not really something wildly accepted.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#245

Post by ChuckNorris89 »

gammabetadelta wrote: post #153
ChuckNorris89 wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>If you can make it easy* for the other person (by handling the approach, scheduling, etc). They'll be as willing as in uni days* That's definitely not true, or at least not my experience. Everyone I ask out to join me for various activities, has an excuse, usually busy or other plans with someone else, and they never follow up for a rain check. People over 30, even single/child-free, seem to be very busy with their…

new relationships = low commitment never ask a new friend to hang in X, where X is days away. instead just do, i'm heading to this arcade want to join? or i'm at coffee shop now, want to stop by and catch up. this is how you can turn casual associates into friends. if someone cool i knew asked me to spend 2 hours with them i'd get nervous. plus, if they know that you are cool even without them they are far more likel…

>or i'm at coffee shop now, want to stop by and catch up. this is how you can turn casual associates into friends.

This is not my experience at all in my new host country. I tried this a lot and never got anyone to join. People here seem to have their schedule pre-planned, and expect you to schedule meetups in advance if you want them to join you. Sending texts like "I'm having a coffee in town, join me if you want" to people I just met always left me alone, with replies coming after 2+ hours or the next day like "sorry, I was busy/got other plans/saw your text too late".

It's how I spent my 30th birthday alone. I texted a bunch of people 10h in advance if they want join me later that Friday/Saturday night for birthday drinks and maybe going out dancing later. Out of about 12 people, nobody came. :(

It's a cultural issue I think in the German speaking part of Europe. Brazilians told me spontaneous meetings with people are completely normal there, but here people don't spontaneously join invites from people they aren't very close with and expect you to schedule these well in advance.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#246

Post by [deleted] »

sneeze-slayer wrote: post #217
rchaud wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

Do you mind sharing your nationality? This rings true of the opinions of many people I know in Europe but I would be very surprised if any Americans felt this way. Genuinely curious.

[deleted]

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#247

Post by robertlagrant »

TylerE wrote: post #144
erdos4d wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> You'll find drastically different results in other parts of the world (third-world, for instance). Plenty of people wouldn't talk to you if they see no financial benefit in doing it (even a measly amount can have a profound effect). I live in Ecuador, so third-world. The people here are not really after money, unless it's very easy to get. I mean, 30% of the "economy" here involves standing in the road with a mango…

Ecuador has no-cost public healthcare. The US does't. Not having money in the US will literally actively kill you.

> Not having money in the US will literally actively kill you.

Doesn't it put you on Medicaid?

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#248

Post by RamblingCTO »

This was a great article. I've been doing this for quite a while now, coincidentally. I just noticed that I can get my needs met if I open myself up (I feel lonely all the time). I actually got the feedback quite a lot from a bunch of people/new friends that myself opening up very soon is what drew them and immediately lifted the relationship past the awkward acquaintance-phase, they really dig that. They've been more open as well.

The comments have great advice as well, my key take-aways:

- more female friends as a dude (on that, sometimes takes a bit of work if you're interested in each other beforehand, that's where I'm at right now. a break of two weeks should work magic) - be more initiative, be a friend to other people - show up and stay connected, even if it's not 50:50, which is unlikely anyway

I have social anxiety/depression and have lived most of my life in the basement (literally and figuratively). But since last year or so I'm very extraverted. Not sure how this works, but it does and it's awesome. I just chat to random people (being German!).

The only thing I'm still struggling with is friends who behaved in a way that I didn't like. Instead of talking about it I withdraw from the relationship. But one step after another.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#249

Post by robertlagrant »

throwaway_4ever wrote: post #131
gruez wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right word, wrong meaning. In the result you quoted, a person's intelligence is being compared to that of a NPC, implying that the person can't think for themselves and does whatever they're told like how NPCs in games act. The gp seems to imply a slightly different meaning, where a person is thought of as being not being a real person, and is only someone you go to for transactional work related stuff.

Whichever meaning, NPC is a recent insidious method of dehumanizing people that ranks right up there with labels like "pigs," "rats," and "cockroaches." This tactic is essentially a first prerequisite for mass violence. It's sure to increase incidences of mentally ill shooters viewing everyone around them as bots in a video game. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/26330024209169... https://www.npr.org/2011…

I've often heard that the term NPC is one of the primary causes of slippery-slope fallacy.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#250

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

xyzelement wrote: post #225
bittercynic wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe I'm just weird in the same way as GP on this, but I think power imbalances are important to be aware of in friendships, and it's tricky to be friends with someone who's far above or below in a hierarchy that is a very important part of your life.

I agree with that. I don't agree with GP's assertion that "most" relationships suffer from this.

Fair point. It was an overgeneralization, on my part.
Post reply on HN