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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#211

Post by mikesabat »

This is a great post. A few immediate thoughts.

Friends become harder to make (mostly for men) as you get older and have children. It simply takes more effort and you'll have less time, but having friends that you see regularly is probably more important when you are 40+. It's worth the effort and easier to systemize.

Following up & reaching out can be a big blocker. I just decided that I'm always the one to reach out and I even built myself an Airtable tracker to do this.

Vulnerability is trending up (for lack of a better description). Writing this post was vulnerable and it's #1 on HN. Finding the right way to open up, make it interesting and not seem needy is an very valuable skill.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#212

Post by michaelteter »

We often don't consider the impact our current age has on our experience.

Making close friends is easier the younger we are. When we are young we have fewer responsibilities, and we have fewer hangups.

As we get older, we have old life experiences which stand out and leave lasting behavioral impacts. Plus, we have real and immediate responsibilities which have priority - but which we may not announce all the time. The other party may not know the circumstances; they merely don't get especially magnetic interactions from us.

My caution to those of us who are analytical and want to understand how life works is that we do not discount the significance of age and circumstance on matters of friendship and human connection.

Minor edits for clarity :)

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#213

Post by bigDinosaur »

TylerE wrote: post #182
VBprogrammer wrote: post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not sure this has the effect you are suggesting but it did make me laugh. Makes you wonder who decides what is a first world country and what is a third world country. In some ways the existence of a significant portion of American's (those unfortunate enough to be poor) is worse than a third world existence.

It’s actually quite clear cut. 1st world: NATO and allies 2nd world: The Soviet Sphere 3rd world: Everything else.

Clear cut according to a definition absolutely nobody uses any more. There's no longer a Soviet sphere even if you wanted to use that definition and the post-soviet sphere has diverged dramatically.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#214

Post by xyzelement »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #207
xyzelement wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

// Most romantic or working relationships have a "power dynamic," where one party has some kind of leverage over the other, This is a very weird way to think about it. Something I realized after I got married and bought a house and had kids, is that I love it and none of it would be possible without my wife. Likewise, she couldn't have any of this without me. We are partners. If we wanted to look for power imbalances…

> This is a very weird way to think about it. Got it in one. I’m pretty weird. I assume that my friends, acquaintances, and others, are also weird, as I read about that, in some book (can’t remember which one). It was one of those “Things that make you go ‘hmmm…’.” things. But if it makes you feel better to call me “weird,” knock yourself out.

I didn't mean that you are weird (though sounds like you are and that's great, me too)

More like - well, as I wrote in the comment - I found that perspective on relationships to be kinda missing the point for reasons I described.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#215

Post by mikesabat »

standardUser wrote: post #134

I'm in my 40's and I have a lot of close friends, both in my city (mostly newer friends) and around the country/world (mostly older friendships). My trick is, I cheat. I'm happily single, live alone and have no children. That gives me the luxury of doing the heavy lifting in my friendships. I travel a lot and most of those trips are to stay with friends in their homes or to meet them at a third destination. That's be…

I agree with a lot of this comment, but honestly having kids is just another connection point with other people - another reason to form a friendship.

A few months ago I organized a Dad's Drinks at a local bar. I walked there with a neighbor and realized that on every block there was at least one dad chilling in his house that wanted to come out. Having kids builds a habit to stay home, but isn't always a necessity - especially once the kids are 3 years old or older.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#216

Post by TylerE »

twelve40 wrote: post #206
rchaud wrote: post #162

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> it's just a matter of priorities. by that metric, most people's lives are nothing but failure. Everybody has a human need for companionship and to feel like they belong. That's hard to accomplish when juxtaposed against an economic system pushes people to work first and live second. BTW Bezos is about as poor an example as you could pick. He absolutely has more free time than I do, unless by some miracle he cooks,…

this actually sounds to me in agreement 1. yes, the priorities might be skewed 2. you just demonstrated that even Bezos is definitely not free from obligations and time commitments, such as his marriage, running a huge company, etc. The fact that he can afford to do anything in the world money-wise does not relieve even him from having to make "free time" to spend on family or else it will fail, etc. So, totally a ma…

What he’s saying is that money can buy time.

Like, imagine having a personal shopper who buys you stylish, perfectly fitting new clothes regularly, that just show up in your closet like magic.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#217

Post by sneeze-slayer »

rchaud wrote: post #66
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

Do you mind sharing your nationality? This rings true of the opinions of many people I know in Europe but I would be very surprised if any Americans felt this way. Genuinely curious.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#218

Post by robertwt7 »

tbh I feel like it's much easier for me to make friends when I was younger (5-10 years ago). Many of my high school friends are still in touch right now back in my home country. It is quite hard though when you're an immigrant in a foreign country, I don't feel like I have close friends here although I have decided to settle in this country.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#219

Post by esparrohack »

If you want to meet new people, get a hobby or go to a bar. Like attracts like.

It’s all instinctual. Friends, enemies, danger, etc. Noticr how effective your experiment was. Did you try the same approach at a dance club? Why not?

No such thing as close friends. Mutual benefit is all that matters unless there’s blood relation.

“The young have yet to learn the blessings of selfishness”.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#220

Post by Wowfunhappy »

the_only_law wrote: post #81
AntoniusBlock wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If people are going out of their way to approach you (especially women), then it's probably down to you being attractive or at the very least above average.

Something happened within the last year, either to the general social environment around me or my own demeanor. I used to be able to go out and speak to people, have convos, people would even approach me. This year has been much different though. When I go out no one wants to talk, except for straight lunatics. At the bar the other night the only guy who wanted to talk went on a tirade about “the Jews” and kept askin…

> Something happened within the last year, either to the general social environment around me or my own demeanor.

I think COVID made everyone forget how to socialize.

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