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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#31

Post by bgroat »

stcroixx wrote: post #29
bgroat wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Edited to include some more context. These are great points. Places where it can be assumed people are comfortable with an approach: - A public place/destination (bar is okay, bus isn't) - They are not in the middle of speaking (lulls in conversations are fine) - They are not blocking sensory inputs (don't approach if you see headphones) This also isn't magic. My success isn't 100%. It's about 30% Which means that 7/…

Getting a stranger to have a conversation with you doesn’t mean you made a friend that day, at least not by and definition that’s valuable to me. It’s the first step, but what’s the conversion rate here? Most you probably never speak to again, a small number may reach acquaintance level, and even fewer end up as a friends. We probably have a different idea of what a friend is.

My definition of a friend is defined in another comment response. Basically, "will hang 50%+ of the time an invitation is issued (schedule permitting), and both of us would enjoy ourselves).

Typically takes about 3-5 meets to get there

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#32

Post by marcinzm »

Barrin92 wrote: post #15
altdataseller wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some of the suggestions you offer don't really increase the chances of making close friends. Like being an open source maintainer - how is that really going to lead to close friends? Or starting a business - sure you might network more, and meet business partners, but do they really become close friends? I will say that going to a church regularly was the #1 thing that really led to lots of friends for me. Like insta…

I'm not talking about 'networking' which is a grift in the same category as all the other artificial crap, I'm talking about sitting in the same awful office, fixing bugs till midnight, eating crappy pizza and putting your blood and sweat into something that's meaningful to you. You do that with people for several years, they're not just friends but pretty much family. And being involved in an OSS community around a…

>You do that with people for several years, they're not just friends but pretty much family.

In my experience, right until the moment you're not longer stuck together and then you start to drift apart pretty quickly.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#34

Post by great_reversal »

I'm 23 and have lived most of my life without having close friends. I'd say I'm very extroverted and can strike up engaging conversations with most people I meet. I'm easy going and don't really have a fear of talking to new people.

The problem is that I end up with dozens of friends that I regularly have good banter with, but it just never feels like one of those "best friend" or "close friend" situationships. Most of my own problems or vulnerabilities are dealt with by myself, internally, perhaps with some advice from others if I discuss it. It feels like you need to lean on people emotionally in order to actually become closer.

What OP has mentioned does actually work and I have used some similar approaches, without knowing it, to improve my friendships. But you also need to attach a high value to regular conversation and communications. If you don't keep in contact on a regular basis, the friendship will diminish, regardless of the closeness.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#36

Post by lisper »

bgroat wrote: post #27
lisper wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.

I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... an…

We're quibbling over terminology. To me, a "good friend" is a relationship that lasts for a long time, maybe a lifetime, and survives significant challenges. It doesn't have to be a kidney, but I think a friendship should survive, for example, a relocation. Otherwise I would call it an acquaintance, not a friend.

Acquaintances are indeed easy to make. The problem is, that kind of relationship is fragile and transient and superficial. I think most people want more. I know I do.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#37

Post by loeg »

It's good to keep in practice with making friends -- close or otherwise -- as an adult. Most of us are pretty bad at it, and on average we got worse at it during Covid. I appreciate the spirit of the post and applaud the author on seeking it out and writing about it.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#38

Post by denton-scratch »

bgroat wrote: post #27
lisper wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.

I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... an…

> Good friend is not, "Will donate a kidney"

I have a rather tighter notion of a "good friend". It includes things like "will not steal from me", "won't betray my confidences", "will be straight with me". Otherwise they're just mates; people I feel OK hanging out with.

I have no good friends just now, and I haven't had good friends for quite a few years. I don't think my standards are exacting; I have mates, but I just wouldn't rely on them. I'd be quite surprised to learn that they were relying on me.

A good friend is a scarce treasure. If you're lucky enough to have one, hang on tight.

[Edit] I don't think you can plan to make a "good friend". It involves trust, which involves time. You can make friends with someone in an evening, but I've never had a "good friend" that I've known for less than a few months. All of my good friends were people I'd known for several years, but it doesn't need to take that long.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#39

Post by lordnacho »

Great article, though it does give a sort of programmy-algorithmic answer to one of life's great questions. Not saying that's bad, just unexpected.

I was actually thinking about it today. Here's an awkward truth about friendships that everyone needs to get comfortable with: often one of you is more interested in the relationship than the other. You know what I mean. For instance, I was invited to a wedding a few weeks ago. It never occurred to me to write to this buddy in many years, I didn't invite him to my wedding, but he invited me to his. I had a great time, we caught up and had a good talk. The same has happened the other way round, I'm sure. People I like a lot and contact, but they don't contact me. Yet when we hang out, everyone has a good time.

If you act weird about these relationships, you lose them. You don't want to do that, because marginal relationships are maybe the most rewarding to maintain, IME. People doing different things to you in different places bring a lot more into your mix than the ones you see every day. There also tend to be many of these relationship-seeds, so your close friends will grow from some of them.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#40

Post by antisthenes »

Barrin92 wrote: post #7

I don't really understand this tendency to create these artificial systems for having friends. To me it's in the same category as dating apps, or weird exercise routines. The best way to have deep friendships is to live a social life. Engage in the community you livee in, take on responsibility, be politically active, start a business, become an open source maintainer, if you're religious go to church/mosque/etc. If…

You're describing a way to make colleagues and acquaintances, not friends.

The more active social life you lead - the less time you have to spend on every individual you meet, hence, it is not enough to become close friends.

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