Faux Friendship (2009)
chronicle.com
Faux Friendship (2009)
1–10 of 42 posts
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#2It is hard to see through the veils of history, but one of the things that always strikes me is that if you sit down and really try to put all the pieces together, what you find is an alien world, far more alien than most supposedly alien worlds of science fiction, especially if we're talking about going back all the way to Ancient Greece. What we think of in our bones as civilization doesn't exist then. The closest thing that might get you there is farming communities in the Midwest... with no power, or cell phones, or cars, or houses, with dangerous wild animals still roaming about, no medical treatment, no firearms, and no prior 21st-century civilization thought patterns, and you're still only sort of glimpsing it. Friendship wasn't an affectation, it was a necessity; humans are effectively incapable of surviving as an individual with no social support, and these people were, by modern standards, in a constant state of just barely scraping by. Even wealthy people were still just one bad fall or cut from a lingering death. When reading about the ancient past one must always be sure to keep this backdrop in mind, and not surreptitiously sneak in a modern setting for the drama in your head.
As some people say, we're already in a Singularity relative to ancient Grecians, inasmuch as they couldn't understand our world at all... and I think it's true in the opposite direction, too. History doesn't make any sense at all unless you learn to stop seeing it through 20th/21st century preconceptions about ethics or civilization. (And I'm not saying I've got a grasp on the older preconceptions, I've just observed that using my "default set" certainly doesn't have much explanatory power for why people do what they do in the past.)
I'd submit for your consideration the idea that what we see in ancient friendships is more like what we'd today call the "war buddy" bond, because life was a lot more like a war back then. As we move through history and more and more people are no longer engaged in war with Nature just to survive, we see that level of bond fade because we see the conditions that give rise to that level of bond fade. Personally, I would say this is cause for celebration more than sadness.
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#3If he had an interesting, thought-provoking point to make, I couldn't extract it through the technophobia and sweeping generalizations and general framework of data-impoverished assumptions that began the article. At the risk of committing the same sin, it does seem that this is the very essence of the out-of-touch article. The author feels greatly disconnected, or for some reason feels like other people are too greatly disconnected for his comfort, and blames modernity. If I am (shallowly) reading this correctly, that is not an original nor profound thought.
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#4It is hard to see through the veils of history, but one of the things that always strikes me is that if you sit down and really try to put all the pieces together, what you find is an alien world, far more alien than most supposedly alien worlds of science fiction, especially if we're talking about going back all the way to Ancient Greece. What we think of in our bones as civilization doesn't exist then. The closest…
This comment is brilliantly insightful to a degree that the original article could only dream of.
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#5If he had an interesting, thought-provoking point to make, I couldn't extract it through the technophobia and sweeping generalizations and general framework of data-impoverished assumptions that began the article. At the risk of committing the same sin, it does seem that this is the very essence of the out-of-touch article. The author feels greatly disconnected, or for some reason feels like other people are too grea…
Why does any criticism of technology instantly get labeled as technophobia or luddism? Is it not good to ask why technology X is in your life, and if you want it to be?
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#6It is hard to see through the veils of history, but one of the things that always strikes me is that if you sit down and really try to put all the pieces together, what you find is an alien world, far more alien than most supposedly alien worlds of science fiction, especially if we're talking about going back all the way to Ancient Greece. What we think of in our bones as civilization doesn't exist then. The closest…
I upvoted for insightfulness, and I'm definitely all for not living everyday life like a war, but I'm not sure that the decline of friendship is a good thing. The evidence seems pretty compelling that a lack of good friendships causes unhappiness. For example, religious people tend to be happier than atheists because they have a much easier time making friends, through church: http://www.suntimes.com/news/2728257-418/church-religious-ha...
Perhaps human psychology is conditioned to expect having a few war buddies in its network, similar to how human physiology is conditioned to expect a great deal of physical movement. (http://www.businessinsider.com/sitting-can-kill-you-2011-4)
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#7It is hard to see through the veils of history, but one of the things that always strikes me is that if you sit down and really try to put all the pieces together, what you find is an alien world, far more alien than most supposedly alien worlds of science fiction, especially if we're talking about going back all the way to Ancient Greece. What we think of in our bones as civilization doesn't exist then. The closest…
Why celebration? I see your point that survival is starting to become less of an issue, but lack of meaningful friendships has been shown to contribute to poor quality of life.
I think you hit on a great insight though. Common goals are what form deep friendships, and in the modern world our commonalities are very superficial (same workplace, same bars you hang out, shared hobbies, etc). You either gotta undergo severe adversity together, raise children together, or do a startup together to have that deep bond. Even religion isn't good enough.. you really do need to fight a "war".
This article really is the middle of a lot of genres. You can also look at this from an evolutionary psychology view... we're meant to live in tribes, and the move to urban societies isn't socially healthy for us. Rather than a feeling of "we're in it together", most of us want to keep up with the Jones' and comparing against each other. There's nobody to compare with when you're in a tribe, and the more successful tribes aren't bragging about their wealth in their Facebook feed.
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#8(this response is not meant to be a defense of Facebook in particular; the essay in the OP is a critique of digital friendships in general)
What trite. It reminds me of the essays about growing up in the 50s, when everything was simple and everyone got along unless you happened to be black or gay. If the only way you connected to friends was to write a "10-page missive" then it's quite likely you conducted your personal relationships in a way that made you unable to see that not everyone made and continued friendships through 10-page letters.
There's nothing wrong with long walks on the beaches and long wistful letters, but not everyone was able to maintain friendships like that. I'm thankful to live in a world where I can make good friends from random chats, and yes, some of these low-energy-at-first, random connections were made through Facebook. It doesn't mean that these friendships don't progress into something deeper.
Not everyone gets to live the kind of life that a Yale professor (the author of the OP) gets to lead. That doesn't mean that the ways we connect now are any less valid or meaningful than the epic moments and letters he apparently shares with his close friends.
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#9It is hard to see through the veils of history, but one of the things that always strikes me is that if you sit down and really try to put all the pieces together, what you find is an alien world, far more alien than most supposedly alien worlds of science fiction, especially if we're talking about going back all the way to Ancient Greece. What we think of in our bones as civilization doesn't exist then. The closest…
I think it's a lot like surplus manufacturing capacity or six sigma in an economic context. In general, surplus manufacturing capacity is bad because it means you're not utilizing your capital to the fullest extent possible. It means you built more factories than you need, so some are sitting idle. And six sigma is good because it reduces variability in quality, which lets you streamline your processes so that there's no wasted effort.
Except then you get World War 2, when suddenly everyone was dropping bombs on each other, and countries needed that surplus manufacturing capacity, and the winner ended up being the one that had the most. Or when 3M introduced six sigma, they found a dramatic decrease in creativity and innovation, because those require waste and variability.
Friendship is wasted when times are good, because you don't need your friends, and they take up time and attention that could be devoted to more productive pursuits. But if you suffer a bad breakup or suddenly get sick, it's awful nice to have somebody who's got your back unconditionally. There's a trade-off between efficiency and reliability, and someone who is always perfectly efficient is usually pretty unreliable when unexpected events occur.
Re: Faux Friendship (2009)
#10So I've actually gone ahead and built and app for Google+ to help people curate more substantive relationships on the platform - so that in principle online social networking doesn't have to be about being superficial.
The idea is that it's just a matter of better managing the relationships and expending energy in a more efficient way - on those relationships that yield the most value.
I've only just launched and have no idea if the site will fly under load - or even if it needs more work before expecting humans to use it. Wouldn't mind if some of the HN folk would be up for giving it a test run...
edit - btw - needs a webkit browser. Opera and FF latest versions will work - but performance is bad.