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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#361

Post by birksherty »

andrewvc wrote: post #178
comboy wrote: post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

There’s some truth here, but the fact is we are all lost or deluded to some extent. The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong. One of the main ways we heal and grow as people is through relationships. Relationships test us and can be a vital mirror, showing us things that would be otherwise invisible. They are also an incentive to…

> The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong.

Ok when they give consent like your spouse. The to be born kid did not. Kids are not anyone's property to experiment with. You should not force a 3rd parson (the kid) without their consent into your life if you are not mentally and physically well. Do whatever you want with your own life that does not involve unwilling subject.

Personally, I would not wish to be born to someone who is struggling, which will make me suffer later. Most people only care about consent when it's them, not others and even refuses.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#362

Post by birksherty »

cat_plus_plus wrote: post #265
comboy wrote: post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

"don't try to find a girl who will make you happy" - that's major overthinking. "Should I also make kids ASAP and care about them" - yeah pretty much. Now if you have a super full life with lots of extended family, friends, dream jobs, hobbies, community involvement - sure, you might be happy without girl and kids. But most people need happiness right at home, instead of constantly having to chase it around, especial…

Nope that's pretty selfish to bringing unwilling person (the kid) into a problem.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33301496

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#363

Post by birksherty »

maerF0x0 wrote: post #207
comboy wrote: post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

>if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. Sometimes what people lack in life is purpose, and giving your best loving gift to others is one heck of a purpose. That being said the OP is going to be in a similar boat in 13-20yrs time (depending on how independent and/or peer bonded their child becomes)-- so finding longer life purpose will become important again, but being…

Find purpose, but don't involve unwilling person (the kid) who did not ask to be experiment in your problems. That's pretty selfish and harmful for to be born kid. Most people only care about consent when it's them, not others and even refuses.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#364

Post by uptownfunk »

You know if your wife doesn’t want kids and that’s now a dealbreaker to you, you have every right to leave. She’s 39, she’ll get over it and young kids aren’t there who will be adversely affected. Yes you’ll go through pain, but having kids is one of those biological processes that is deeply ingrained in our being as you now rightly realize.

You can still find someone who wants to have kids. You might go through a bit of heartache with your current spouse unless she comes around. But you’ll get over it and you will have more than enough time to raise a family. And it is your right to do so if you want to.

All the best.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#365

Post by uptownfunk »

andrewstuart wrote: post #65

You're 40. It's not too late. You have discovered it is the most important thing to you. So do it . Do it. Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids. To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then yo…

Very practical advice right here ^^^

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#366

Post by Solstinox »

birksherty wrote: post #360
Solstinox wrote: post #181

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To play devil’s advocate to this mindset: life isn’t an optimization game. When you’re being nibbled away at by maggots or a pile of ashes, you will receive no trophy for how you optimized your life in a particular order. You don’t need to perfect one thing to do something else. Nor does getting your ducks in a row on one thing guarantee you’ll be better off in another. Sometimes you hurl yourself into the fire and y…

> If you want to have kids, have kids. No. Kids are not your property to experiment with. You should not force a 3rd parson (the kid) without their consent into your life if you are not mentally and physically well. Do whatever you want with your own life that does not involve unwilling subject. Personally, I would not wish to be born to someone who is struggling, which will make me suffer later. Most people only car…

As someone born to parents who were struggling, I think you should not hold such sure opinions on hypothetical matters you don't actually have experience with.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#367

Post by croo »

joshxyz wrote: post #107
fasteo wrote: post #16

Sorry if you find this question offensive. Not my intention whatsoever. You have been in the two extremes of parenting. From deciding not to have kids to miserably missing the kids you didn't have. So, my question is: Is this really about having/not having kids, or is it some kind of existential crisis projected in the absence of kids in your life?

i bet my left testicle and my right kidney it's the latter, but shit man i would really love ot hear her wife's thoughts on this. it just needs more context.

I bet my right that it's a biological clock turned on carving for doing the most important thing in human life. It definetly needs more context.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#368

Post by greyman »

hinkley wrote: post #232
greyman wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some girl will find that. Ok, but let's admit it, this doesn't work universally. I know people who become much more happier after finding their partner. Also, I have one kid, and yes, I am more happy with life after having it.

Codependent people need someone else to even them out. Being even doesn’t mean being healthy. It means you are getting your fix. When or if these people get divorced or widowed they will be a bigger mess than they have ever been.

You see it wrongly, there's no fix involved.
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