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What happened when my wife died

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Re: What happened when my wife died

#51

Post by lanstin »

tandr wrote: post #45
Test0129 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> What's baffling is the lack of any sort of help at the hospital and the inability to find a rheumatologist or specialist or just a regular doctor who gives a damn. I guess this depends on your situation. I've been in and out of doctors my entire life. The doctors that give a damn are generally locked away from you if you're using some sort of state health plan or HMO. I have only ever had luck finding a good doctor…

Would someone be kind, and explain what PPO, ENT, HMO means? Thank you in advance.

PPO is preferred provider organization. You can see specialists easier and have more latitude to pick your providers, assuming they are in the network. ENT is ear nose and throat, also called otolaryngologists, who do sinuses and hearing and throat cancers and that sort of thing. Usually they are surgeons. HMO is a health maintenance organization which is usually cheaper and offers less choice for the patients but also pays for preventative services more but can be bureaucratic if you have a rarer problem. I use Kaiser because I believe in the focus on data driven treatment and prevention, and haven’t had rare diseases yet. We have used them for vasectomy, breast cancer, cornea replacement, and trans transitioning all fine effect. I have a friend whose wife had some standard type of valve replacement and also had a good experience, tho my friend was heavily involved in meeting with the surgeons and consulting on the operation planning. Most people have common problems, so it works well as a first level, I think.

Edit: Kaiser is non profit. There are HMOs which exist primarily as cost control organizations, not primarily committed to health care, so experienced vary

Re: What happened when my wife died

#52

Post by tasuki »

gumby wrote: post #14

I know what it is like to be asked that unanswerable question: “where is mummy?” I gasped when it appeared at the end of the essay. The thing about having a kid is you have to get up and keep moving. The author decided to clean up and shave, but even if you don’t you can’t spend all your time moping. The kid needs your help.

I'm waiting to be asked that question. I'm fairly unprepared, but not at all sure the "up in the sky" answer is the best.

Completely true that a kid keeps you moving and that's very helpful.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#53

Post by tdehnel »

rTX5CMRXIfFG wrote: post #41
brunooliv wrote: post #39

Oh God, I saw the title and was kind of scared of reading this... I mean, I'm young still, not married or anything, but, I think I am a very empathetic person and kind of like to be understanding of other people's lives and feelings, maybe because I feel it's a way of expanding my own life perspective or something, but anyway I was reading this and feeling pretty emotional during the whole thing and then I read the f…

I don’t mean to police you and you probably don’t mean harm, but what you said and how you said it is bound to rub someone off the wrong way in the future. In general, don’t tell people who are going through something that you empathize with their struggles, real and painful struggles which you have no share in suffering, because you benefit from their stories by making you wiser about life. It’s also presumptuous to…

Oh knock it off.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#54

Post by willhinsa »

berdon wrote: post #40
igetspam wrote: post #19

I don't know how this is relevant to HN but it feels well timed, for me. My wife is alive. She doesn't a terminal diagnosis. But for the last five years, she's had no diagnosis. Visually, she's stunning and fit. According to every test they run on her, there appears to be nothing wrong. There's no explanation for the temporary blindness, the rapid onset arthritis, the partial spinal fusion, the diverticulitis, the ra…

You might consider going to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. It’s world renowned for diagnosis. My wife had various, random symptoms and all local doctors were either baffled or suggesting absurd things in desperation. In two days a doctor at Mayo correctly diagnosed the issue and offered suggestions on treatment that worked. The local doctors were both disbelieving and angry. Diagnosis was POTS (brought on by pregn…

Yes! One thing that I found really neat was that there's a series of underground walkways between buildings on the campus, which is very nice because it gets cold in Rochester. The campus is also just very beautiful too. You're most likely going through something difficult if you find yourself there, and it feels special and nice rather than the experience of most hospitals where you can sometimes feel like a number contributing to their budget.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#55

Post by rTX5CMRXIfFG »

tdehnel wrote: post #53
rTX5CMRXIfFG wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t mean to police you and you probably don’t mean harm, but what you said and how you said it is bound to rub someone off the wrong way in the future. In general, don’t tell people who are going through something that you empathize with their struggles, real and painful struggles which you have no share in suffering, because you benefit from their stories by making you wiser about life. It’s also presumptuous to…

Oh knock it off.

Considering how I gave my piece as kindly as possible and how yours is just a self-assured dismissal, I think it's you who should knock it off. :)

Re: What happened when my wife died

#56

Post by toss1 »

blakesterz wrote: post #47
berdon wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You might consider going to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. It’s world renowned for diagnosis. My wife had various, random symptoms and all local doctors were either baffled or suggesting absurd things in desperation. In two days a doctor at Mayo correctly diagnosed the issue and offered suggestions on treatment that worked. The local doctors were both disbelieving and angry. Diagnosis was POTS (brought on by pregn…

I'll second this!! If you haven't tried The Mayo Clinic yet, drop everything and get an appointment there.

I'll Third This!!

Indeed, just drop everything and get seen by their specialists. Even compared with good Boston hospitals (kind of known as a Silicon Valley of medicine), Mayo is several steps above. Their paradigm is to really do an exhaustive search for the root cause, and work the best treatment plan. It may not be perfect, but it is by far the best available shot.

I wish you both well.

EDIT: Expect to spend several days there with lots of tests and appointments. We've found that a number of the small house AirBnbs are reasonable and good options, and also the CoOp is great.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#57

Post by [deleted] »

tasuki wrote: post #52
gumby wrote: post #14

I know what it is like to be asked that unanswerable question: “where is mummy?” I gasped when it appeared at the end of the essay. The thing about having a kid is you have to get up and keep moving. The author decided to clean up and shave, but even if you don’t you can’t spend all your time moping. The kid needs your help.

I'm waiting to be asked that question. I'm fairly unprepared, but not at all sure the "up in the sky" answer is the best. Completely true that a kid keeps you moving and that's very helpful.

[deleted]

Re: What happened when my wife died

#58

Post by tasuki »

robertk wrote: post #43

My best friend’s wife is in the process of dying right now after qualifying for and self-choosing hospice following persistent and progressing medical issues. He was looking for graveyards yesterday while she continues to pass… I am one of his primary support structures and this is hard for me, too. I just want to be as normal as possible for/around him, to be a rock. But I have never been in this position for someon…

(My partner died two months ago and I was left to care for a 20 month old toddler)

If you're one of his primary support structures, you're already doing great. If you weren't, he'd have chosen someone else.

Some situations just suck. Don't expect to be able to miraculously help your friend. Don't expect him to get better quickly. Perhaps he will, perhaps he won't. You're there for him, that's mostly all you can do.

If you must, ask him how else you can help. Each situation is different and each person is different, he'll know better than me.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#59

Post by hpcjoe »

tandr wrote: post #45
Test0129 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> What's baffling is the lack of any sort of help at the hospital and the inability to find a rheumatologist or specialist or just a regular doctor who gives a damn. I guess this depends on your situation. I've been in and out of doctors my entire life. The doctors that give a damn are generally locked away from you if you're using some sort of state health plan or HMO. I have only ever had luck finding a good doctor…

Would someone be kind, and explain what PPO, ENT, HMO means? Thank you in advance.

PPO and HMO are symptoms of our terrible US health system. They are focused on cost control, not positive outcomes. Basically they are middle-men between doctors and their patients. They get to approve/deny care choices. They get to decide, ex post facto, whether or not they will pay for healthcare services, medicines, etc.

Here in the US, you can get surprise medical bills greater than $10k USD, due to these organizations saying "nope, not gonna pay for that."

While in some cases, homeotherapy, and similar, this is justified ... in many/most cases, it really isn't. HMO/PPO etc are all about reducing cost of the care, with these organizations funding themselves from driving down the cost of the the service.

Doctors have to hire people to handle dealing with the insurance companies (HMO/PPO/etc.) Its expensive and time consuming to deal with them.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#60

Post by elteto »

astura wrote: post #50
tandr wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Would someone be kind, and explain what PPO, ENT, HMO means? Thank you in advance.

ENT - ear nose and throat HMO - health maintenance organization. It's a type of insurance where you have to get referrals from someone you designate as your primary care provider. PPO - preferred provider organization. Another type of insurance where some providers are "preferred providers" who partner with the insurance company to offer reduced rates. You don't need a referral to see a specialist, but many specialis…

It’s not the doctor, it’s the network. What OP was saying is that the doctors in the PPO networks seem to be much better than those in the HMO networks.
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