Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

291–300 of 368 posts

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#291

Post by rrrrrrrrrrrryan »

comboy wrote: post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

> Also I've talked with quite a few people whose parents were all about kids - that was all they wanted from life. And these people as kids (as adults too) were kind of lost. Because if my parents only care about their children, what is there to care about in life? Should I also make kids ASAP and care about them? I mean, it is our biology but it's also a vicious circle.

Damn - I've never thought about it this way, but this resonates tremendously with my personal experience. Thanks for the little morning dose of insight.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#294

Post by Sohcahtoa82 »

ASalazarMX wrote: post #275
BaseballPhysics wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really don't agree. Going from one extreme of not wanting kids to waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks caused by the idea of not having them? Hell, hints of borderline suicide ideation? That looks like a significant struggle with mental illness to me. Forty is often that turning point in life where the end starts to look closer to the beginning. You have a lot more of your life to look back at an…

> Going from one extreme of not wanting kids to waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks caused by the idea of not having them? I'm not going to psychoanalyze someone by a single text message, but I also thought it was unusual to swing that hard. Probably the decision was not thought well and hence the regret, maybe the neighbors have beautiful babies and FOMO brings regret, maybe it's a mid-life crisi…

> maybe it's a mid-life crisis where we worry about our legacy

It makes me laugh when people talk about having a "legacy"

99.999% of people are unremarkable. There are currently just over 1M Wikipedia articles about living people. Meanwhile, there are 7.7B people on the planet. Even if you made the incorrect assumption that all 1M were about living Americans, with the US population being nearly 330M, that means you'd have to be in the top 0.3% to even have a Wikipedia article about you.

Unless you become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or at least a state-level politician, or become a high-profile criminal, you will probably be forgotten entirely within three generations of your death.

It surprises me that some people have a hard time coming to terms with this.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#296

Post by whatwhatwhat_ »

You’re wrong, women can have children naturally up to 42 and even after that with hormone therapy. If your spouse says no, you clearly should leave her*(I assume) and find a partner who does want children. It’s not a small compromise to not have kids and the resentment will kick in and you’ll likely break up anyway.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#297

Post by tasuki »

lcall wrote: post #290

Some really good people have been childless through no fault of their own. And choices have consequences for ourselves and others. BUT, my religion teaches that losses or failures in this life can be fully made up in the unending next life, if we start making the necessary good choices and do our very best to continue forward. It also promises peace in this life and eternal life (with and like our Father) in the worl…

Ok, I downvoted you. Your comment isn't about what the OP asked, it's about your religion.

You could almost as well post this under a "My regrets about choosing JavaScript" post. ("Don't worry, in the afterlife you'll code in Rust!")

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#299

Post by sjducb »

You can still have kids with your spouse. If she really doesn't want to then break up with her and find a woman who does. There are loads of attractive women in their 30s searching for a man to have kids with.

Disagreement about weather to have kids is a 100% acceptable reason to break up.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#300

Post by theGnuMe »

nashashmi wrote: post #169
davidguetta wrote: post #145

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People change and so do relationships. Marriage was invented when there was no contraception and life expecancy was half of what it was now.. No one should be miserable for the sake of "being married".

married people change together. Their relationship changes together. Invented is such a terrible word. It was a contract. And within that contract was a place for love to grow without the idea the person was going to leave. And within that love was a place for family. Today some celebrate the inverse. Have family. Then love. Then marry. Then divorce. And leaves little to no safe place for any of the above.

Marriage is a contract your future self may regret. It may seem like the right thing now but you at the end of your life may think differently.

The OP regrets not having children. His younger self made that decision. He is not too old to go and have kids with someone else or adopt (say as a single dad even).

Go have kids man! If your wife doesn't want to then get divorced. If she does then work together. IVD, adoption etc...

Post reply on HN