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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#261
I sympathise. I left it too late as well. I have some regrets from not being a Dad.

But I also find it freeing: my life is about me. The pressure to breed, to achieve, to do what others expect recedes. Nothing matters. I am not going to pass on my genes, or leave a legacy, or even any footprints. I'm atheist so I don't even believe in any afterlife. When I die, that's it, everything is over and there's nothing left behind. It's very freeing. All I have left is what I want to do in my life, for me. I'd like to build my own house, marry my girl, travel to every continent on the planet, build a successful business. But if I don't, it doesn't matter too much. My purpose in life now is to enjoy it.

I suspect your really strong reaction to this is a symptom of something else going on. I've lost 10 years of my life to depression, so I know something about this. But not enough to do anything but recommend you continue seeking help. And reassure you that this is only temporary (like everything in life) and it will pass.

Good luck with it.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#262
In my experience, getting older requires that you also get more proficient in engaging with the passage of time. One of the things you do with your time is make decisions, and as your life unfolds the increasing number of decisions that lie in your past start to increasingly constrain your present and (what remains of) your future. Thats just how it is. People can tell you about this, but until you get there you don't know it.

I don't know the OP, so I'm not going to address them in the first person, but I note that they don't say why they want to have children - only that they regret not having them. So I concur with others here that children might not be the main issue - but rather a proxy for general regrets and sorrow about the life changes that many people start to perceive in their fifth decade, as life becomes more constrained. I don't have good solutions for this, but living with regret is a hard road. I personally found the advice of the stoics useful here: don't try to control what you can't control, and the best way to deal with unhappiness over what you don't have is to try to be satisfied with what you do have. But I know thats easy to say and hard to put into practice. And it can lead you into the trap of inaction.

But I may be wrong. Some people just have a deep need to have children, ans this often transcends "reasons". While many societies see this as normal in women, we perhaps don't talk enough about how men can feel this way too. If this is genuinely the case for the OP then more therapy may be the only way to address it.

It's also worth them considering that actually having children might not address their present regret. I'm a guy in my mid fifties and I did have children (who are now on the edge of adulthood). Being a parent often was, and often still is, a immense joy. But it was also immensely hard in ways I can't adequately describe to people who haven't also done it. Again, until you get there you don't know. So its healthy to not romanticise parenthood and, for the OP, reflecting on whether this is the case for them may be an approach to take. Not easy though, but maybe easier than the alternative.

A couple of practical points. Physically, 40 and 38 is not too late (modulo any health issue) to conceive if the OP and his partner both want that. Its important to be aware of the risks of later parenthood, but very many people do have children at that point in their life. It is also important to be aware of the considerable strain it can put on a relationship. Give some thought to the financial implications too: its a heavy twenty-plus year commitment that will close-off some opportunities, and the cost of post-school education may come along just as you are starting to consider retirement.

We only get one life and I have no good answers. To the OP - I hope you find peace, however it goes for you.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#263
post #194

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's strange to see you downvoted. I can't understand why anyone would treat RMS as anything but entertainment and occasionally curious ideas. I'd never take serious life advice from him.

Like it or not, RMS changed the world. In my opinion to the better.

No doubt about that. However, he is by far not the only person to do so and have terrible life skills (in the sense that others should emulate them), e.g. Grothendieck, Tesla, Gödel..

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#264
post #238

New(ish) parent here. Two things: First, the bad news: lots of comments saying stuff like "Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life". In general, the advice "Don't do ____ to fill a hole in your life" is good for frivolous things, but I don't think this applies to being a parent. Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone. To me it's felt more like leveling up my maturity than buying or a…

> Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone Allow me to disagree. First: there's no evidence of any change in your body, as a male, after becoming a father. Second: supposing such a "wireless" change would happen, getting someone pregnant and immediately disappearing from their life would yield a perceptible change even with distance and no involvement with the life of the child. Third: I personally…

There could be a great discussion about whether male parenting and reproduction comes from the bio/psycho/social drives.

For this context, I think trying to make these distinctions is a distraction. By way of common sense, reproducing & parenting has been a HUGE factor in the propagation of human life (this is so obvious it's kind of funny to write).

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#265
post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

"don't try to find a girl who will make you happy" - that's major overthinking. "Should I also make kids ASAP and care about them" - yeah pretty much. Now if you have a super full life with lots of extended family, friends, dream jobs, hobbies, community involvement - sure, you might be happy without girl and kids. But most people need happiness right at home, instead of constantly having to chase it around, especially as they get past college age.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#266
post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

There’s some truth here, but the fact is we are all lost or deluded to some extent. The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong. One of the main ways we heal and grow as people is through relationships. Relationships test us and can be a vital mirror, showing us things that would be otherwise invisible. They are also an incentive to…

There is a pretty wide gamut between "being happy with oneself" and "perfecting oneself".

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#267
With modern medicine, people are having children much older now. My mom was 38 when she got pregnant with me, and I have close friends who are 40 and 43 with newborns. So, the window has not closed.

As far as other people saying that children won't fill that void in your life - they could be wrong. I felt similar to what you describe, albeit much younger than the average new parent, and having a child did fill that need. That said, it brought up a new feeling of regret of having a child too young.

If you don't have children, it's not the end of the world. A child is fun, and I have had many giggles with mine, but I also have missed out on a lot of opportunity for pursuing and exploring passions that could also fill that hole. Given the added stress of and time consumed with children, I don't think I will have another. My husband and I have collectively agreed about the things that are important to us in life, and they are infinitely harder with a child.

All that to say, you know what choice is right for yourself and you still have time to make that choice.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#268
post #128

Tech job conditions are the problem, not having kids. Do you want good reasons to not have kids? - The future for them does not look promising at all - Enjoy your life and travel anywhere, change job anytime, change location any moment - Sleep whenever you want - Use any drugs you want (even just weed is an issue with kids under 18) - Start any hobby or job any time you want - Buy an house without be worried to be ho…

Some people desire more out of life than the pursuit of a hedonistic lifestyle.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#270
Dad of two here. Kids are great in all the ways you note and in ways that continue to surprise. They're also a righteous pain in the ass and generally throw a monkey wrench into your other goals and interests.

"I used to LOVE working and all things tech, now just make do and ..." ME TOO!

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