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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#231

Post by stevenfoster »

New father AND son of a father who was a foster child (and I have the last name to prove it.)

1. Have conversations with your doctors, 39 isn't too late. Begin the process and see where it takes you. 2. Adoption / Foster care is incredible on its own and you can be apart of breaking a cycle of abandonment and loss for a child. I could not be the father I am today if my father's foster parents didn't show up and give him the care he needed.

Finally, get involved with the children of your friends and community. Before we had our son we were serving with our childrens youth ministry and volunteering to help watch our friend's kids when their babysitters couldn't help them. It's eye opening and something I think every human should do.

My best to you on your journey!

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#232

Post by hinkley »

greyman wrote: post #197
comboy wrote: post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

> don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some girl will find that. Ok, but let's admit it, this doesn't work universally. I know people who become much more happier after finding their partner. Also, I have one kid, and yes, I am more happy with life after having it.

Codependent people need someone else to even them out. Being even doesn’t mean being healthy. It means you are getting your fix.

When or if these people get divorced or widowed they will be a bigger mess than they have ever been.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#234

Post by digitalsushi »

My wife and I cant have kids. Cancer medicine, they wouldn't give it to her at such a young age unless one of us was sterile. Mine was far easier.

I wrestle with this as well sometimes. I see myself turning into a Picard type, focusing on my work, my mentoring, my stoic demeanor, and being a secret, blubbering mess once a year when I see a Christmas tree in the neighbor's window. Then I'll tuck my shirt down, tell myself there's no time for such nonsense, and carry on.

A trick I use to fall asleep, when it's really getting to me, is to consider that there's a very good chance my hypothetical kid would be a jerk that doesn't like me.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#237

Post by codegeek »

"My spouse is 39 so the window has closed for biological children, more or less."

No it hasn't. I just had a baby and my wife is 40. We did have 2 other kids earlier though. But age is not necessarily the issue so don't make that an excuse. If you want to have kids, have them whenever you are ready. Even if the biological clock has run out, you can always adopt if you really want.

Have you actually discussed this in detail with your spouse ?

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#238

Post by thefz »

jlizzle30 wrote: post #206

New(ish) parent here. Two things: First, the bad news: lots of comments saying stuff like "Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life". In general, the advice "Don't do ____ to fill a hole in your life" is good for frivolous things, but I don't think this applies to being a parent. Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone. To me it's felt more like leveling up my maturity than buying or a…

> Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone

Allow me to disagree. First: there's no evidence of any change in your body, as a male, after becoming a father.

Second: supposing such a "wireless" change would happen, getting someone pregnant and immediately disappearing from their life would yield a perceptible change even with distance and no involvement with the life of the child.

Third: I personally think there's no innate drive to parent, and only an innate drive to mate; everything else is injected by society.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#239

Post by Xenoamorphous »

My girlfriend and I had a baby daughter (our first) last year. When she was born, I was 41 and she was 39 (conceived when I was about to turn 41 and she was 38).

I thought we were late and it’d be hard at our age, but she got pregnant not even after a month after starting trying.

So yes you’re not too late.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#240

Post by nostromo123 »

Kretinsky wrote: post #191
weeksie wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How old do you think 40 is? My god. Have you ever met someone in their 40s? Are you a child?

40 is older than 20. You then don't have the same resistance to stress, lack of sleep, muscles regenerate slower, and you often start to have health problems. Believe me, most parents have back problems at some point, especially if you're not sending your child to daycare. No wonder, armies around the world won't hire a 40 years old, and prefer youngsters in their early 20's: their body is still intact.

I had my child at 41 (I'm the mother), and I see none of these issues, and my son has been over 10kg for quite some months now. My early-30s colleague on the other hand complained of back pain already in her pregnancy.

Age is not the death sentence you seem to think it is; on the contrary, if someone in early 40s doesn't have the energy/fitness to handle a child, they should see a doctor.

(I also got pregnant within a couple of months of trying, as did a neighbour of similar age. Personal biology trumps statistics.)

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