Perhaps it’s a personal thing, but I clearly remember that after we had our first child I realized that I would have loved an adopted child just the same. I wasn’t of that opinion before that, but an honest word if my wife would tell me now that the kid is not mine, I’d probably show her the door, but would make every effort to keep my children ;)
Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
201–210 of 368 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#202I have a bit to say about this.
First, having kids is THE BEST thing I ever did with my life. Your mileage could/may vary.
Assuming you can get your spouse on-board:
1) YOU ARE NOT PAST THE WINDOW! My wife was 40 when we had our first kid. 41 for the second. Many other parents at our kids' school are similar. Some used IVF, others did not. IVF, while unpleasant, is covered by many insurance plans.
2) As others have said, you can foster, adopt or use a surrogate.
If you cannot get your spouse on-board for trying something, then you might consider leaving them. My ex-wife and I had been trying (then 30M, 28F) without success. Our inability to conceive was one of the reasons that I left her. She now has kids with another man and I now have kids with another woman, so it all worked out. I know this is rough, but it is also a possible solution.
Good luck and I'm sorry that you are suffering.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#203You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…
To play devil’s advocate to this mindset: life isn’t an optimization game. When you’re being nibbled away at by maggots or a pile of ashes, you will receive no trophy for how you optimized your life in a particular order. You don’t need to perfect one thing to do something else. Nor does getting your ducks in a row on one thing guarantee you’ll be better off in another. Sometimes you hurl yourself into the fire and y…
> If you want to have kids, have kids. You’ll figure it out. Sometimes you won’t.
The issue many people have with this line of reasoning is that not figuring it out affects an unwilling participant (the kids).
The most common sentiment I hear is that people want their kids to have at least the quality of life that they did when they were kids, and without a reasonable guarantee of achieving that, they will not choose to have kids.
For some, it might be that the kid does not have to work in the farm fields all day. For others, maybe the kid gets to learn how to read and write. And others, the kid does not have to work at all and gets to go all the way through high school. For others yet, the kid needs to have their own bedroom. And so on.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#204We adopted when my wife was 40. Almost 20 years later, absolutely no regrets.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#205If it's any consolation, I'm in my 40s and I have 3 kids and I honestly have days where my burnout and anxiety is as bad as you describe. I don't think it's not having kids that is your problem, I think you're probably predisposed to having an anxiety disorder and you're going through your mid-life crisis.
Note that I'm not downplaying the seriousness of your situation by calling it a mid-life crisis - the mid-life crisis is real as fuck and it's a force to be reckoned with. I think the trick of it is to redirect that angst and energy into something useful. Rather than wreck your marriage and run off with 27 year old, maybe you should try an entirely new career, or get into volunteer work, or take a 6 month sabbatical. Who knows? In any case, be very careful of what bridges you burn. I'll let you know if I figure it out...
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#206New(ish) parent here. Two things:
First, the bad news: lots of comments saying stuff like "Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life". In general, the advice "Don't do ____ to fill a hole in your life" is good for frivolous things, but I don't think this applies to being a parent. Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone. To me it's felt more like leveling up my maturity than buying or achieving something. An analogy is something like going from relying on my parents to moving out and being independent. I realize this step isn't for everyone, but am skeptical about 95% of ppl so confident they don't want to take a step their linage has done for thousands of years.
Second, the good news: my experiences (and accounts of friends as well) suggests that attachment to a child is less biological and more developed than you'd expect. When my daughter was born she felt like a stranger; I didn't know her. The more time I spend with her, the more she learns and depends on me, and the more I grow emotionally attached to her. This suggests you'd get 98% of the parenting experience through adoption vs being a biological parent. You'd miss out on stuff like "o wow her eyes look like mine", but at least in my experience, this has been less important than I would've thought. The big stuff like seeing them learn, their innocent joy, and you 'paying it forward' in the circle of life would be the same. (NOTE: these are my 2 cents as a biological parent. It'd be worth reading some adoptive parent accounts as well). Also, if adoption is not for you, I'd still recommend getting involved in helping kids in some way (education, financial, etc.); again, what are we here for if not to help the next generation?
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#207You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…
>if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids.
Sometimes what people lack in life is purpose, and giving your best loving gift to others is one heck of a purpose. That being said the OP is going to be in a similar boat in 13-20yrs time (depending on how independent and/or peer bonded their child becomes)-- so finding longer life purpose will become important again, but being given ~15yrs to find it out just might be enough to span the gap.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#208Putting aside whether the biological window has closed for your 39-year-old wife -- it sounds like the decision to not have children is a huge point of regret and constant second-guessing. Can I ask why/when you made that decision, generally? What's changed since then versus now at the age of 40 -- have circumstances changed to make having children more amenable or less tenable now?
But if it's possible (financially) for you to have kids now -- why isn't adoption a possibility? Your post reads as if you were in the final years of life, rather than mid-life, when you have the perspective and means to make that big change you put off until now.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#209My brother had a healthy child when his wife was 42. I think it's unlikely that the window has closed forever, unless doctors have told you so because of a specific medical reason.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#210My uncle had a child later in life, such that I have a cousin who's younger than my youngest, so, to repeat what a lot of others are saying: it's not too late.
My sister had a child in her late 30's (maybe 37 or 38), and before she got pregnant was actually spiralling into depression because she was having trouble getting pregnant. And whilst this kid is a bundle of potential ADD energy, he's also very bright and intelligent. Again, it's not too late.
However, fantasising about fatal illnesses doesn't point to a stable mental state, and raising a child, properly at least, requires almost inhuman mental and emotional stability (although plenty of people raise kids with wildly volatile emotional and mental states).
It also sounds as if you're fantasising about a 'solution' to your life, and have fixated upon having children as this solution. It sounds to me (and I've been known to be wrong on every level possible) as if you need to rediscover the joy of living and the uniqueness and diversity of the world / universe by experiencing more of it.
Being able to find enjoyment in life will also make you a better parent by way of example.