171–180 of 368 posts
2. You can adopt.
3. Do not be too sad about it. I for one look at the state of the world around me and feel guilty for having kids. Guilty about bringing them in this mess.
Good luck
You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…
A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…
A lot of comments here are along the lines of, “how you’re feeling is not really about what you think it’s about.” I think that’s very dismissive. Just because some others can’t relate, that doesn’t mean what you feel is not valid. We are biological beings, and the drive to procreate is very strong. It is existential. Some feel it more than others. I am very sorry for what you’re going through.
Forty is often that turning point in life where the end starts to look closer to the beginning. You have a lot more of your life to look back at and less to look forward to. We joke about mid-life crises, but they're a real thing.
The OP sure sounds to me like they're going through exactly that, and children have become a fixation.
And if they're struggling with anxiety and depression now, I can't imagine what they'd go through as a parent.
At minimum, they should not be making any decisions until they get a little healthier. First, it's very unlikely any decision they take, today, would be rational. And second, if they did choose to become a parent, they'd be doing so at a time when they're incredibly mentally and emotionally fragile, which is a recipe for disaster.
This is not about kids. You are mentally ill in a serious way. The the therapy you have gotten so far is either incompetent or you are so sick that you need time in an institution where your tragedy can be treated seriously. I know a number of people who chose not to have children. Some have some level of regret but nobody is going through the kind of dysfunction you are. You have a lot of years left. (Also, please d…
To take a different perspective, I try to remember some argue we've overshot population: https://scientistswarning.forestry.oregonstate.edu/sites/def... , and honestly get leary at seeing how friends are raising kids. One of my friends works with tutoring kids all day and very consciously had a vasectomy after finding a partner. Why not partner with your spouse on something like ecosystem restoration? https://happenf…
Let's wait another 20 years and see how the results of such a policy pan out for China. They've already back tracked on it (their current policy is 3 children as of 2021) but the damage is done. I'm hoping for a relatively soft landing, a complete implosion of Chinese society would be a humanitarian catastrophe.
A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…
To OP: This opportunity can be leveraged even though it wasn't necessarily the situation you thought you would be in at this age. Life is funny that way.
You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…
The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong. One of the main ways we heal and grow as people is through relationships. Relationships test us and can be a vital mirror, showing us things that would be otherwise invisible. They are also an incentive to do better for the good of others in our lives. Finally, they give us the chance to heal others similarly, our partners are never perfect either.
Does that mean that having kids will solve your problems? Of course not. The idea that you should be ok with or without kids is also fraught. It’s a question of degree, perhaps being obsessed with having kids is bad, but wanting them and being disappointed in not having them is fine.
A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…
A lot of comments here are along the lines of, “how you’re feeling is not really about what you think it’s about.” I think that’s very dismissive. Just because some others can’t relate, that doesn’t mean what you feel is not valid. We are biological beings, and the drive to procreate is very strong. It is existential. Some feel it more than others. I am very sorry for what you’re going through.
It is something special. I have a kid now and another coming in the next few weeks. It is both the most time consuming and expensive thing I can do but also the most meaningful. I never thought I would feel this way 5 years ago. It is definitely dismissive to tell someone hey your feelings are rooted in other problems. It is not like OP is longing for a cupcake or something. So I support the OP and if it is really something you need, do it!