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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#151

Post by kleiba »

andrewstuart wrote: post #65

You're 40. It's not too late. You have discovered it is the most important thing to you. So do it . Do it. Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids. To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then yo…

> You're 40.

> It's not too late.

I second that. A (male) friend of mine was 40 when they had their first child and now they have three.

More importantly: 39 is probably not too late biologically for your partner. A lot has changed over the last 20 years for late births.

Find a doctor who's competent and supportive to help you along, you're not the first people to have children at that age.

Turn your regret into a motivator. I've done a lot of different and exciting things in my life, I've lived on three different continents, worked with some of the smartest and most renowned people in their fields, and yet nothing beats the experience of loving your children.

Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#152

Post by rasulkireev »

rasulkireev wrote: post #147

If your spouse of the same opinion, that she wants kids than there are many options. If she doesn't want kids than this is a tougher problem to solve and I won't be able to advise on it. But let's assume she does. 1. Talk to a doctor and see if your wife would be able to bear a child. If doctor approves and your wife is ok with it, give it a shot. If you wife is not ok with having to go through a pregnancy in that ag…

Reading other comments now and have to agree with them that first you should take some time to stabilize you life, emotionally. Having kids will be a great undertaking (both before they are born and after).

So, talk to your wife, talk to your therapist, and anyone else you trust. Make sure you will be happy with your life, whether you have kids or don't and only then try having them.

Don't forget, that after your kids have grown up, they will go on to live their own lives and it will be just you and your spouse left. So make sure you have a good relationship with her.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#153

Post by throwawaaarrgh »

Nobody has suicidal ideation just because they're 40 and haven't had kids yet. You have depression and anxiety, and it probably has nothing to do with kids. Get on some anti-depressants, and do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Try mushrooms. If that still doesn't work, try ECT. But don't give up.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#154

Post by helpfulclippy »

I know a man who never had kids but wanted them. He runs a martial arts school. He gets to mentor a lot of kids. It’s like he didn’t get to be a dad, but he got to have more grandkids than anyone I know.

There are many ways to “have kids.” But know this: no one outside of you can fix what’s happening inside of you. The feeling of loss and envy you are experiencing may not be what it appears. Often times our brains disguise painful thoughts we are unwilling to experience as something else. This might be a good time to talk things through with a therapist or a best friend or at least someone with whom you can open up.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#156

Post by [deleted] »

davidguetta wrote: post #145
nashashmi wrote: post #120

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is the worst advice to give. He chose not to have with the one he is married to. And you are saying to turn his back on that same person. And have it with someone else!

People change and so do relationships. Marriage was invented when there was no contraception and life expecancy was half of what it was now.. No one should be miserable for the sake of "being married".

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#157

Post by tracker1 »

Right now, more and more people in Gen-X and beyond are hitting their 40-50s having not had children and it will likely hit pretty hard. I think the best that we can/should do is maybe pass/share the relatable pieces on to the up and coming generations. It also doesn't help that there has been so much environmental poison and dietary trends that have deeply effected fertility, particularly in men.

At 47yo, I can relate... I have been married a couple times, and do have step-children. I sometimes grieve that I didn't get the chance to go through the earlier years with someone. At this point, I'm definitely not in a position to deal with very young children. I think it would have been nice to put more efforts into this while I was younger.

I would suggest finding a good place to do some volunteer work, which can help with getting past the funk and bringing some fulfillment into your life. Maybe seek counselling regarding any particular depression.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#158

Post by spaceman_2020 »

Adopt. My brother was in a similar situation and he was even older than you. It would eat him up. He'd hit the goals he wanted to hit in his career and finances and there was now nothing else to look forward to.

Him and his partner adopted a child. Never seen him happier.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#159

Post by prmoustache »

comboy wrote: post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

This this this.
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