Children do not fix your life. Rid yourself of that expectation and get a puppy.
Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
121–130 of 368 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#122 1. Not too late to have kids these days. Lower chances for sure, but not improbable.
2. Adoption is always an option.
3. Become a "big brother" or do some other kind of youth mentoring or teaching.
If your wife is not interested in kids of any kind, then #3 is your only option if you're going to stick together, and maybe mentoring and/or teaching is what you really want to do.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#123Earlier quoted context omitted.
He is influencing smart people to not have kids though so encouraging an idiocracy scenario. And we might need the smart kids to invent new ways out of global warming.
All the kids smart enough to invent new ways out of climate change have been born. They don't matter. Adding more won't change anything but increase the amount of smart kids suffering from climate change.
Did you interview them at the birthing center to find out?
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#124You can still have children, in a polygamous arrangement. It can be done if you are willing to pay and perhaps travel. Your spouse will hopefully understand. The window hasn't closed, that is an incorrect assumption.
For much of the world, second marriage is not an option.
And it's also not fair to the first.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#125FWIW, when my sister was born, my mom was 41 and my dad was 48.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#126The best time for women to have children is (for most women) probably in their 20s. The best time to become a father is (for most men) probably in their 40s. This is an extremely unpopular opinion, although that doesn't make it incorrect. Instead we have millions choosing what amounts to genetic suicide. Of course this is also their prerogative.
Maybe emotionally wise this could be true (in some circumstances). However, there are clear health impacts on the children that statistically increase as the man gets older (eg autism).
Also, if society can convince young men to not leave children, it can help them mature faster.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#127> My spouse is 39 so the window has closed for biological children, more or less.
Not necessarily. My wife was in her late 30s when we had our (and her, and my) first kid, and just shy of 40 when we had our second. Yes, older mothers are at somewhat-greater risk of things like Down's Syndrome, but both our kids are now in their early 30s, quite-normal adults with S.O.s of their own.
So talk to your wife — and (as Dear Abby always says) also talk to a licensed mental health professional as well: As others have noted, you might well have something else going on that you're interpreting as regret over childlessness.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#128Tech job conditions are the problem, not having kids.
Do you want good reasons to not have kids?
- The future for them does not look promising at all
- Enjoy your life and travel anywhere, change job anytime, change location any moment
- Sleep whenever you want
- Use any drugs you want (even just weed is an issue with kids under 18)
- Start any hobby or job any time you want
- Buy an house without be worried to be homeless
- No guilt for be responsible of their life, of any problem they face, any transmitted genetic issue you may find later on
- If you have no family or relatives or friends to make your kids know, share and play with, it's pretty much like not having kids at all
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#129You can 100% have kids. Not only biologically but also There are thousands of younger 30ish women who'd see 0 problem have a kid with a mature 40 y.o. (rather than a 30 y.o. whos head is not there yet) Of course you probably wont have the same relationship with your wife but thats your life, not hers. And if you wake up with panic attacks over kids you HAVE to do it or youll never forgive yourself in 10 / 20 years. A…
Wow that is so superegoistic I'd say any child deserves a better dad.
It may also be something else what's wrong, please reflect and try more, and also if you are not already in a trustless broken relationship start talking with your wife about it.
> And if you wake up with panic attacks over kids you HAVE to do it or youll never forgive yourself in 10 / 20 years.
No, that is definitely not set in stone, you may not find fulfillment in that, please that possibility also in mind.
> but thats your life,
No, it is also your wife's and your eventual future child's life, but I'd not take this advice if only for your life unless your current relationship is already broken. The sudden you regret your childlessness, the same you may regret this decision and consequences soon.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#130A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…
A lot of comments here are along the lines of, “how you’re feeling is not really about what you think it’s about.” I think that’s very dismissive. Just because some others can’t relate, that doesn’t mean what you feel is not valid. We are biological beings, and the drive to procreate is very strong. It is existential. Some feel it more than others. I am very sorry for what you’re going through.