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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#101

Post by tomp »

luxurytent wrote: post #12

A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…

On the other hand, it's possible that one is simply "depressed" (sad) because one can't achieve ones goals.

The solution, then, is to figure out a way to achieve them.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#102

Post by weeksie »

Kretinsky wrote: post #75
nickdothutton wrote: post #69

The best time for women to have children is (for most women) probably in their 20s. The best time to become a father is (for most men) probably in their 40s. This is an extremely unpopular opinion, although that doesn't make it incorrect. Instead we have millions choosing what amounts to genetic suicide. Of course this is also their prerogative.

Good luck lifting 50 times a day a 12kg todler while being in non-ergonomic positions and waking up 3-4 times during the night while having a productive work when you're in your 40's. And then, when they grow up, to keep up with them during physical activities, to teach and show them the way. It's possible, but it's much easier when you're in your 20's.

How old do you think 40 is? My god. Have you ever met someone in their 40s? Are you a child?

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#104

Post by pnutjam »

Kretinsky wrote: post #80
pnutjam wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

True, my wife and I have a 1 year old and I'm 44. She's 42.

After 40, it gets much harder, as almost all women are subfertile at 40 and half of them are already sterile. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility#/medi...

It's still not uncommon.

https://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/cdc-birth-rates-middl...

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#106

Post by bhouston »

pingpongrandom wrote: post #99

IIRC, 42 is around the age where the window closes, at least, that's what my physician told me. Regardless, if that gap has closed, it may be some consolation to bring this up to your friends and relations who are on the fence about having kids. Everybody's chuffed to tell others about how they made the right choice for them. Rarely, does one hear from another with the courage to say "I changed my mind, and wish I'd…

Pregnancy success is women dependent (egg quality is the problem, and leads to increasing fertilitization and miscarriage rates) and start to drop at the beginning of one’s 30s and gets really bad in late thirties and near impossible in early 40s. Every women is different and some have earlier falloff in success rates. The moral of the story is don’t want until you are 30 to have kids. Have them young and it is easy. Wait and it gets really emotionally hard or impossible or expensive or a combination of all three.

https://advancedfertility.com/patient-education/causes-of-in...

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#107

Post by joshxyz »

fasteo wrote: post #16

Sorry if you find this question offensive. Not my intention whatsoever. You have been in the two extremes of parenting. From deciding not to have kids to miserably missing the kids you didn't have. So, my question is: Is this really about having/not having kids, or is it some kind of existential crisis projected in the absence of kids in your life?

i bet my left testicle and my right kidney it's the latter, but shit man i would really love ot hear her wife's thoughts on this. it just needs more context.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#110

Post by pdm55 »

My wife and I missed out on having kids. We wanted kids but it "didn't happen". Yes, I used to also lie awake at night. My wife went through the demanding IVF schedule a couple of times. I admire her for that.

How do we cope?

I was a school teacher and now being a tutor has given me some interaction with teens. I am grateful for this.

My wife loves animals. I think our pets have given her something to cuddle and care for.

I think the only bonus to not having had kids is that we have missed out on the pain that friends have gone through when their child has died through an accident or health problem.

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