It's not too late for your spouse to have children, unless they don't want to or have health issues preventing them from doing so. Talk to your spouse. Adoption is also an option if your spouse is open to that. Can't advice you on the future of your relationship, that's for you to sort out.
Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
91–100 of 368 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#92Like a friend of mine once said approximately: Having a family or a wife is not the only goal in life one can have.
Some people are made for different purposes than the biological default activity. People can live great lives and never be in an (exclusive) relationship with any partner. People can do great work and advance humanity a little bit. They can be experts in their area of expertise and that can be already more valuable to society than another child.
Of course there are many sources of pressure or stereotypes all around us, suggesting to us, that a family is the ultimate thing to achieve and that we will all be perfectly happy if only we start a family.
A good friend of mine started a family and his stress levels are through the roof. Barely has time in his day to take care of anything else than children and work. So basically work^2.
Many people will also tout, that making a family was the best thing they ever did. However, studies show, that people are not necessarily happier after having kids and one explanation for this is, that it is not socially accceptable usually, to say things like: "Ah getting children was a mistake, I wish I had not done that.". People will paint you as asocial or worse, if you say those things. Also people need to justify their own past decisions to themselves and might really believe, that it was the best decision they made.
Aside from all that, adoption is still an option one can try. There are so many children in this world, who would benefit from being adopted, possibly becoming bright members of society. If you think you can love children, even if they are not of your own seed, then do consider adoption. I have a hunch, that it is not the making of a child, but its upbringing and the work invested in that, that makes parents love their children. It might also skip some of the most stressful times children go through. Of course adoption is not a thing done in a day. There are requirements.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#93This was one of the issues that brought my last relationship to an end (being 39y now).
I used to downplay it and together with my partner tried to find a way.
Anyway, this sounds like a relationship issue. If your partner does not want kids it's possible that some kind of decision is needed (that's what our couples therapist said which turned out to be real good advice in my case).
If she can't have kids - there are other ways like adoption,...
If this is impacting you as much as it sounds - find a way to get yourself a child!
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#94You're 40. It's not too late. You have discovered it is the most important thing to you. So do it . Do it. Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids. To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then yo…
> Choose a good and kind trustworthy woman who you think would be a good mother. Make sure you bring the same things to the party. You don't need a perfect relationship. There are many women out there in exactly the same boat as you. Don't spend years not finding the perfect person. Find a good person on the same wavelength, get on the job. To raise kids (in a responsible good manner), you need a long-lasting stable…
>> To raise kids (in a responsible good manner), you need a long-lasting stable relationship with parents that are trustworthy and on the same wavelength.
Well it would be ideal but lots of kids have separated parents.
What is important is not that the parents are together, but that everyone is safe, the kids are loved, the parents are respectful towards one another. The greater the kindness and cooperation between separated parents, the better it is for kids.
Critically important is that the kids are not exposed to conflict between parents.
If you can get all that right then even kids with separated parents can be pretty happy I think.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#95Like a friend of mine once said approximately: Having a family or a wife is not the only goal in life one can have. Some people are made for different purposes than the biological default activity. People can live great lives and never be in an (exclusive) relationship with any partner. People can do great work and advance humanity a little bit. They can be experts in their area of expertise and that can be already m…
> Many people will also tout, that making a family was the best thing they ever did. However, studies show, that people are not necessarily happier after having kids and one explanation for this is, that it is not socially accceptable usually, to say things like: "Ah getting children was a mistake, I wish I had not done that.". People will paint you as asocial or worse, if you say those things. Also people need to justify their own past decisions to themselves and might really believe, that it was the best decision they made.
I don't think that is true. I think most people will say that having kids was the best thing in their life because it truly feels that way to them. Seeing your child growing up is work, but it's absolutely magical and most people don't see it as unpleasant work. Everything in life can be labelled as work, but just as we agree that working on your own business is a different kind of work than going to an office 9-5 every day we also know that the work that is required to raise a child isn't the same as the work which we normally associate negative feelings with.
Besides, studies have shown that people with children live longer and not only that, people who become grandparents live considerably longer as they get new purpose and life injected into them, so I assume there is somewhere a strong correlation between having children and being happy.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#96Just to put it out there, my mother was 38 when she had me, and 40 when she had my brother. When I was younger, I babysat a kid who's mom was 42 when he was born. It's not that there aren't possible complications, but the window isn't "closed"
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#97Maybe another perspective on your circumstance might help? You talk about your regret as though, had you made the decision, a child would have been a given. That may not have been the case. For many people this is what they have come to terms with.
I don't know if this is a possibility for you and your partner, but if you want children in your life, maybe they are there already and would appreciate you being a bigger part of their lives? Uncles, aunts, nieces, and nephews are amazing. Often times very close.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#98> My life is now dominated by regret every day.
I am sorry to hear that. 40/39 isn't actually too late, but risks are higher. Adoption is a big deal, and I know many "late bloomers" that have gotten married in their 30s and 40s (sometimes, for the second or third time), and adopted, or had kids.
I never had any biological children, but I married a woman with a daughter, so I have a stepdaughter.
Regrets? A bit, but not that much. It's a long story, but I have extracurricular interests that probably exercise some of the emotions and drives that parents of biological children have.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#99IIRC, 42 is around the age where the window closes, at least, that's what my physician told me. Regardless, if that gap has closed, it may be some consolation to bring this up to your friends and relations who are on the fence about having kids. Everybody's chuffed to tell others about how they made the right choice for them. Rarely, does one hear from another with the courage to say "I changed my mind, and wish I'd taken another path", particularly in the having-kids domain. When I hear your comments above and think "Is this suffering rooted in a desire to contribute to others?" If so, consider telling those you love and respect about your choice and its consequences. Especially tell those who have the potential to have kids - and be a support system in their lives.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#100You can still have children, in a polygamous arrangement. It can be done if you are willing to pay and perhaps travel. Your spouse will hopefully understand. The window hasn't closed, that is an incorrect assumption.