Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

Does you spouse feel the same way? If yes, then you have still a chance. If I was you I wouldn't waste time and go to the next IVF clinic and get started. It's not cheap (~10k in total) but your spouse could literally get started with a weeks notice, and with a bit of luck you guys will have several eggs of hers retrieved, then fertilised on the same day with your sperm and hopefully a few embryos growing. By day 5 you'll end up with a hopefully a few mature eggs of which probably 2 (because of your spouse's age) will be put back into her. The whole procedure is super straight-forward and pain free. If you guys don't have any fertility issues apart from general risk of age then your chances are very good that at least one of the two eggs if not both will develop into a beautiful little baby. If you get started today then you can literally have a child 10 months later.

Source: my wife worked on the fertility clinic of an NHS hospital during her training and was fascinated by how easily this whole thing works and how far we've come to help struggling couples to get children.

EDIT:

Sorry I wanted to add one more thing. There are some quick suggestions floating around here that you could just find a new partner. I don't think that is as easy as people say. It takes time to build an emotional connection with someone strong enough for both people wanting to create kids together. You might waste another 2 years of your life to just find that person if not longer.

Also... unless your spouse is dead against children it's just plain disrespectful to her. She is also a human being who deserves happiness and you guys have found each other and if you love her and she is also open to having kids now then you should definitely try to have kids with her. Imagine you have a daughter one day who is 40 years old with a partner that wants kids. You wouldn't want that guy to treat your daughter the way others suggest here. Also, fathering children is a process, we don't like talking about it but there are many things which can go wrong. If I was you I wouldn't want to go through any painful issues with someone who I just met recently. If you and your spouse love each other you can support each other through whatever happens. That is important as well.

> Choose a good and kind trustworthy woman who you think would be a good mother. Make sure you bring the same things to the party. You don't need a perfect relationship. There are many women out there in exactly the same boat as you. Don't spend years not finding the perfect person. Find a good person on the same wavelength, get on the job.

To raise kids (in a responsible good manner), you need a long-lasting stable relationship with parents that are trustworthy and on the same wavelength.

OP is currently in a relationship with his wife whom he loves dearly. But regarding kids they don't seem to be on the same wavelength (on one particular topic, they probably agree on many other things), because he regrets decisions they made in the past.

Why will his situation improve by giving up the relationship and becoming less trustworthy? 5 years down the roads, in a new relationship, he or his new wife will decide their wavelengths changed, and it's time to look for someone else. And then 2 small kids will have to cope with the fall-out.

Divorcing someone you love, with the intents of starting a stable relationship with someone else is self-deceit. Kids deserve better than that.

Take a moment to think about those in the same state of mind as you - but who are single.

Hi. I know you are going through a lot. I went through cancer two times and was told I could never have children again due to the excessive chemo before transplant etc. It was a very hard time for me mentally as children were always something I wanted deeply.

I was talking with someone about this and he said to me, what defines a child as your son or daughter? Maybe think about this for a while and then talk with your spouse about what reasons she doesn't want a child? Maybe it is a fear of childbirth, maybe she doesn't want to nurse, or deal with a 3 year old. There are many young wonderful children at all ages that could use a loving father and mother.