A friend of mine became father and grandfather just a few days apart at the age of 50. When my younger son was born, me and my wife were 37. There is a good chance your biological window is still wide open.
Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
21–30 of 368 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#22You can try adopting or sponsoring kids. There are literally millions of kids in poor countries who could use some help. Wanting to have your own kids is in some ways a biological instinct. A lot of childless women also feel it very strongly. So it's very natural to have such strong feelings. Therapy can also help in dealing with it.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#23Here's an angle to try on - if you hate it, ignore it: Consider the selfishness of your desire. Going by how you mention families with young kids, it seems what you want to do is call a person into existence solely for your amusement and pleasure. To cause someone to be subjected to life with all its struggles (such as you are experiencing now), for 80 years or so, because you want to have fun playing with them while they are a kid and experience the ego-fulfilment of having a kid be amused by you. It can go further: Since you don't consider adoption it seems like you're invested in specifically creating somebody to be an extension of yourself, maybe so that you sort of 'live forever'. If someone brought me into the world specifically by that hubris, saddling me with a life that I have to work to maintain so that I don't experience huge suffering, then I would probably hate them.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#24As others have said, it's not too late for biological children.
But you should also consider adoption. You can love them just as you can love your biological children.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#25Are you sure? Women can have kids after 39. Maybe not easily, but should be possible until like 45. Definitely with medical assistance.
Is she on board though? If not, you don't need to stay with her. Your goals in life are worth more, and you don't want to resent her for the rest of your life "you're the reason I don't have kids and I regret it always"
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#26The window doesn't close at 39 for either of you. From personal experience, I know.
I have multiple male friends who had kids between 44-46y. So the window is not closed.
Men can have kids even in their 90s. Their are some documented cases of even that. It's women's fertility which is often the limiting factor to procreation.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#27Get counseling. If writing this thread was enough to accelerate your pulse you are having anxiety and it will only get worse until it destroys your health.
Siding with this, the OP is above random internet strangers' pay grades. They should see a professional who is actually able to treat medical problems.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#28Sure you can have kids at 40 but I cannot imagine what an adventure is to deal with a teenager once you are 54-55 years old
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#29Um you can still have kids. You might have poisoned your thoughts that your wife isn't an "optimal" age for having kids, but, believe me, you can still have them.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#30What do prefer?
Giving up on having kids and staying with your partner, trying to cope with regret. I bet the regret alreay takes a toll on the relationship and the probability is high that the relationship ends in a divorce either way. (Divorce statistics in your region?)
Divorce and find a younger and religious woman ready to have many kids. You might lose some friends and people might turn away considering your behavior selfish. But you would gain a family and that would be your world.
It is not too late to correct a mistake.