What we need is a speaking style anonymizer. Like a language translator except it translates your text into some kind of stylistic uniformness. We're flexible on that format. Anything legible and relatively easy to translate into. Call it ANONSPEAK. It will probably be, aesthetically, horrible.
Every verb is done in passive voice, punctuation is added - wherever possible - to make sentences appear more complex than they need be, and of course there is an effervescent use of sesquipedalian terms where shorter similes would otherwise suffice.