You’re leading with fear and anxiety, you’re letting that fear and anxiety trap you. There’s a great deal of value in thoughtfulness, in kindness, in using your passion to lead, but that value is often lost when the motivation for these behaviours is anxiety. A leader is as much what they signal as what they do.
There’s a variety of options available to you, options that can deliver the best outcome for the business, your reports and yourself — many of which can be fantastic outcomes for all.
Ultimately, building a business is a relay and you will at some point have to pass on the baton: if you fear that inevitability, that needs to be an immediate focus. What can you do to ensure that you can pass the baton on with confidence?
Positioning yourself as not “the CTO” but rather “the person establishing the business’ approach to technology” (which is achieved by utilising the CTO role today) can be a very powerful shift in attitude: you’re setting the technology organisation up for the baton to be handed over to the person ready to lead the next stage with confidence.
If I were in your position, I’d be talking with the other leadership in the business and clearly communicating that you don’t want this role indefinitely, I’d put a plan together for the next 12 - 18 months that involves bringing someone in to replace you, someone for you to pass the baton to.
A bad outcome for the business would be you spending the next 12 months silently stewing in your own anxiety and fear and then have a breakdown and disappear without any notice and the business is thrown into chaos.
As a leader, you don’t need to be perfect or a brilliant jack of all trades or a genius or even the smartest in the room, but you do need to operate with confidence though. If you don’t have confidence in something, focus on getting the confidence.
(For what it’s worth, the shift from where you are now to where you need to be is almost exclusively in attitude, it’s not some insurmountable challenge.)