Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

What you're describing is a classic introvert's tendency for hermitage. That is to say, it's easy to be forever alone.

Easiest thing in the world. Bloody lonely though.

There's no easy fix: you have to learn to be social. CBT group therapy would be my reflexive suggestion but I'd wager one-on-one would still have value.

It takes some serious bravery and will power on your part, but it doesn't even have to be formal therapy. There are many groups for adults whose main function is extra-professional socialisation. Therapy is a safe space though, so a good diving board into better outlets.

Best of luck.

I'm an introvert. I gain energy from being along; I lose energy from being around people. I need to be alone a large amount of the time. I need people to leave me alone so that I can hear myself think.

But I can't be completely alone. I need human connection as well. I need moments when I connect with someone. I need moments when people really see me, hear me, understand at least pieces of me.

Some moments I can't get either one. I'm with people, but I'm not connecting in any real way. Business meetings are often (not always!) like this.

Maybe that fits you, too. Maybe you've been so busy creating space for yourself that you made a world where you don't have any real contact, and now you find that you need it. I think we all do, even the introverts.

So find a few people that you can connect with. At work, at a gym, at a community theater, at church, at a volunteer soup kitchen. Don't expect any one person to fill all the need for connection - you need a variety, and one person can't carry that weight.

For me, my wife is the biggest one, but I also have others.

I don't know why nobody has brought this up yet... while you embark on the journey of finding a good therapist that you can work with, if you are not opposed to the idea, adopt a small pet, dog maybe. A pet has great potential to enrich your life in many ways while still giving you plenty of "me/alone" time. Hopefully that will help you ride out some rough patches without feeling too lonely. If you do go down that path, do your research before hand on what it entails to have a pet.

Hi. I'm 39.

I feel the same way. Whenever I plan for activities, I plan to do them alone. Even my equipment reflects that. I bought a kayak instead of a boat. I took the foot pegs off my motorcycle, which I ride alone. I'm thinking of building a small cabin to live in. I go on poker trips alone. I moved to Costa Rica alone. I did remote work with no pairing.

I don't feel too lonely, but I do occasionally. It comes in waves. Don't get me wrong, though, I get out to a lot of events. I spend the majority of my days totally alone with my dog, but I spend many days around lots of people (I own a homestead, and a bar--two wildly different atmospheres).

That keeps me...whatever. Sane, okay, socially fulfilled.

People like me, I could be more social. But this is my level, I don't know. If I add to it, my life feels worse.

I do want to say that I really enjoy my life. It's not normal in many ways, but I'm actually quite happy. But it wasn't always. I've been very lonely in the past, living in this same place. I think a big realization was realizing that this is normal. This is the human experience. Loneliness is part of our programming. We're intended to live together. Those of us who choose to go alone are going to have to battle emotions and situations like this. And it's okay. I usually acknowledge it and then go do whatever the fuck I want to do, because I don't have anyone to answer to. And because I chose it, and continue to choose it.

My advice is to embrace it, and be your own best friend. Or abandon it, and go find your people.

enjoying solitude is not just about being alone.

You can enjoy solitude in crowds.. like library's or sole dining or even just getting outside and wandering the streets/hills/parks etc.

Start there. feel connected without having to connect by first just observing.

I often enjoy sitting alone in a busy location just observing the people.