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Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

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Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#41

Post by cracrecry »

You should contact professionals if you can pay them. If not you should go to a library and find what happens to you on your own.

Also everything in on the Internet right now if you know how to search and you can pirate video materials that is probably much better to learn about something you don't know than a book.

A good professional will find it soon what happens to you. On the other hand you don't know how to differentiate a good professional from a bad one that just wants your money.

Nobody knows you here over the Internet. It is a very bad place to give you a diagnostic.

If you want to auto diagnose, writing down everything that you feel will help you clarify your thoughts.

Answer your own questions: Do you love to be alone because you love science and technology and people around you do not?

Are you smarter than most people and most people seem only interested in Football and Gossip? Do you feel that nobody is interested on deep topics but trivial ones?

Do you love to be alone because people interrupt you constantly and do not let you concentrate and think?

Do you feel social anxiety around people? This usually happens when you had bad experiences growing up around other kids.

Most people have bad experiences with their parents, their family or their friends and that could block entire parts of their lives. If a girl is raped, it can destroy her future if she has not professional help and the same happens with a guy that was bullied.

I have filled 300 pages notebooks with those questions and answers so I know myself very well. I also have worked on my issues going to seminars and buying programs and books and helping friends.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#42

Post by dr_dshiv »

Read stoic philosophy. It’s a real cheer.

http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html

For instance: “With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful, or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things. If, for example, you are fond of a specific ceramic cup, remind yourself that it is only ceramic cups in general of which you are fond. Then, if it breaks, you will not be disturbed. If you kiss your child, or your wife, say that you only kiss things which are human, and thus you will not be disturbed if either of them dies.”

Right-o!

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#43

Post by mensetmanusman »

You are feeling the health effects of social isolation.

“ Social isolation significantly increased a person’s risk of premature death from all causes, a risk that may rival those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity.”

https://www.cdc.gov/aging/publications/features/lonely-older...

Solution: realize your first order desires of being alone are killing you faster. It’s analogous to the desire for sugar, which humans have never had the wealth to eat non-stop until now. First order desires are often destructive when untamed.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#44

Post by pdntspa »

I love being alone but I get my kicks with partying, art, and deep involvement with the local music scene. So, during non-winter months, a couple of weekends a month is spent at events socializing, and my weekdays and other weekends are spent alone doing whatever.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#45

Post by stevenfoster »

You will love others how you love yourself and conversely, how you love others is how you love yourself.

I would strongly encourage you to give freely to someone what you wish to receive.

Intellectual loneliness is the equivalent of I skipped leg day at the gym, not the badge of honor some make it to be. If you don't know why someone isn't intellectually on your level, unearth why. You will discover every human on this planet has the deepest depths of any other with varying degrees of access.

If all that sounds too unstructured, I would highly recommend reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. And specifically, if you're looking for companionship, Love Does by Bob Goff.

From someone who has already reached heights in Silicon Valley, found a wonderful spouse, and now has a kid after turning 30 these are some things that helped me through what you're sharing here. I wish you the best on your journey

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#46

Post by browningstreet »

avoidantpd wrote: post #33

This is of course not to be taken as a diagnosis but something to look into. You might have what’s called avoidant personality disorder. There’s a subreddit if you’re interesting in learning more: https://reddit.com/r/avpd One common theme which you alluded to in your post is the feeling of loneliness but also enjoying being alone. Avoidants crave social interactions but also engage in avoidant behaviour. For example…

Me: New movie is coming out. I’m excited for new movie. I’m so excited about new movie that I buy tickets and choose seats. I tell my (whatever) how excited I am about new movie and that we have tickets. New movie is coming out. It’s the day of the movie — I start to feel lethargic. I don’t want to go see movie (different than “I don’t want to see movie”). I’m grumpy all day that I have somewhere to be at a time and place. I’ll hit a bottom. I go see movie. It’s great. After movie I’m spent.

Reason for sharing this: I like being alone. But if I have a life configuration that leaves me alone when others aren’t..: I might go through the inverse of this

Recently broke up. Ex- is being very social. I’m annoyed ex is being very social, I think I can’t be social, even when I confirm with myself that I don’t want to be social I’m still conflicted about it. When I went with ex- while being social, I flirted on edge and wasn’t social. I didn’t want to be there either.

I feel like this every time I read an article that says we have to have connections or we will rot in our old age

Or my employer tells me we have to come back to the office because “community”

I really actually do want to be alone 90% of the time. But not every part of my brain let’s me fully have that thought uncontested.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#47

Post by runjake »

> How do you deal with it?

I got married.

Well, I didn't get married to deal with it, but I no longer have any time for my brain to reach melancholy.

My sole alone times exist when I'm going on a run or commuting to/from work. When I'm running, my blood is flowing and I'm generally energetic and calm. During commutes, I'm also generally calm and previewing/reviewing the work day.

Aside from that, I've always gotten a lot of use out of a good therapist.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#48

Post by GoToRO »

The more you learn, the more unique you become. The more unique you become, the harder it is to find similar people to socialize. You are normal in the sense that you do want to socialize, but from pervious experinces you also learned that with most/all people you will get no satisfaction from interacting with them.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#49

Post by JadoJodo »

loofatoofa wrote: post #15

The great Britney Spears once said… “Lost in an image, in a dream But there's no one there to wake her up And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning But tell me, what happens when it stops?” Here, she completely sees the delusion of identity and the larger material world of delusion. Her only mistake is assuming it will stop when in reality the wheel of time has no beginning and only a theoretical end when a…

I’m going to assume you mean well, but I’m honestly unsure if this is helpful.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#50

Post by gordon_freeman »

dr_dshiv wrote: post #42

Read stoic philosophy. It’s a real cheer. http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html For instance: “With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful, or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things. If, for example, you are fond of a specific ceramic cup, remind yourself that it is only ceramic cups in general of which you a…

+1 for suggestion on trying Stoicism

You can try reading classic Stoic texts such as Meditations from Marcus Aurelius and Seneca's On the Shortness of Life.

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