Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#1

Post by endofreach » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:17 PM UTC

It‘s not a phase. I am turning 30 soon. I have had this feeling ever since i can remember. I know, often times i am subconsciously aligning my actions to end up alone. Sometimes it seems like i do that to create something like a melancholic void, that i must feel, because otherwise, i would feel empty…

I can‘t summarize it better right now. I have learned the portuguese word „saudade“. That feeling, i believe i know. It seems somehow related, to what I am trying to describe.

I truly can not handle it anymore…

How do you deal with it?

Also I have recently read about „intellectual loneliness“ on here, which i resonated deeply with. It is not what i am describing, but rather a part of it. But the totality is too much for me.

I don‘t even know what to expect from posting here. I just have nowhere else to turn to…

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#2

Post by eimrine » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:20 PM UTC

I am not a Portugal, but my understanding of this word is that if the situation is killing you, this is a wrong word.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#3

Post by [deleted] » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:20 PM UTC

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#4

Post by endofreach » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:24 PM UTC

eimrine wrote: post #2

I am not a Portugal, but my understanding of this word is that if the situation is killing you, this is a wrong word.

I know, i tried to express that i feel they feel like they are somehow related… though that‘s not the important thing.

The issue i have is, exactly the paradox here… to me title expresses it very clear, but maybe i should rephrase to express it better. I will think about it and try. Thank you for your comment!

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#5

Post by freediver » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:27 PM UTC

Perhaps 'loving to be alone' is a wrong self-representation?

Perhaps try 'loving not to be alone' as a self-image for a month and see how that feels.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#6

Post by akeck » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:28 PM UTC

It might take a few attempts, but I would try to find a good therapist and work with them to figure out this state-of-being and how you can change or augment it in a way that both meets your desire to spend time alone and to resolve your loneliness. For example, maybe you need to find a specific type of life partner who also needs lots of time alone (e.g. an artist with a studio). Then you could potentially continue having stretches of alone time but with companionship during times you and your partner don't want to be alone.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#7

Post by alecco » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:30 PM UTC

Spend sometime helping people worth helping. Go read books for the blind or something. It changes your perspective.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#8

Post by shtopointo » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:30 PM UTC

Start going into therapy? Strangers on the Internet are not going to help you much.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#9

Post by alexjurkiewicz » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:30 PM UTC

What you describe is a problem with your thinking. Speak to a clinical psychologist and ask them for help. This sort of issue is their bread and butter.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#10

Post by pb7 » Fri, Sep 23, 2022, 8:30 PM UTC

Self destructive behavior can be a great candidate for therapy. It may help you uncover why you feel the need to sabotage yourself. Is it insecurities? Is it past trauma? Something else? Good stuff to talk through with someone.