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What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

joylere.substack.com

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Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#51

Post by chaps »

hatsunearu wrote: post #39
cercatrova wrote: post #13

Sonder: n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra…

maybe I'm just an asshole but I've felt whatever is the opposite of sonder these days when I come across people that are so clueless and inattentive they might as well be zombies.

At some point in your life, somebody's undoubtedly thought the same thing about you. Probably even a bunch of people over many years.

Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#52

Post by user_named »

throwawaylinux wrote: post #35
samtimalsina wrote: post #9

I’m a little drunk and I have not even read the article but I was discussing this very thing with my friends. We have so many stories and we are each going through so much struggle individually. Why can’t we be kind and considerate of each other?

> Why can’t we be kind and considerate of each other? Well I , for one, would love to. It's those hateful divisive others who are the problem.

Sharp sarcasm.

Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#54

Post by boredemployee »

cercatrova wrote: post #13

Sonder: n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra…

I usually have that reflection when I'm travelling. It's indeed a depressing feeling. Last time it happened I was in the middle of Rome/Italy with many unknown faces around me, that I was seeing for the first time and - thinking at that time - that I will never see them again.

Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#55

Post by bigDinosaur »

chaps wrote: post #51
hatsunearu wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

maybe I'm just an asshole but I've felt whatever is the opposite of sonder these days when I come across people that are so clueless and inattentive they might as well be zombies.

At some point in your life, somebody's undoubtedly thought the same thing about you. Probably even a bunch of people over many years.

Although you may be right, and they may be wrong. Not that I advocate going around thinking like this as it'll only lead to unhappiness and poor relationships (and you'll also very possibly be wrong).

Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#56

Post by lostlogin »

callmejorge wrote: post #44
gouda-gouda wrote: post #3

The most important shift I’ve made in my life was when I started approaching conversations with the attitude that the other person could teach me something, no matter who it is. Sometimes it takes some digging, but I’ve found it to be true.

There's a proverb that says, for every 3 people walking there's someone who can be your teacher.

The concentration can vary though. There are places I’ve been where everyone could teach me a lot, and then there are the other places.

Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#57

Post by steve_adams_86 »

hatsunearu wrote: post #39
cercatrova wrote: post #13

Sonder: n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra…

maybe I'm just an asshole but I've felt whatever is the opposite of sonder these days when I come across people that are so clueless and inattentive they might as well be zombies.

I try to remind myself that there are perfectly fine reasons for this to occur. For example, the person might suffer from insomnia. They might have a lower functioning brain due to developmental issues. They may have been in an accident which caused brain trauma. They might operate on a wavelength sufficiently different from you in that moment such that communication seems impossible, and you perceive that as their deficiency rather than a mutual problem.

The reasons to be compassionate are far more realistic and numerous than the possibility of a person being a zombie. It’s best to assume they have a story and a reason attached to their current state that, given time to consider, you would probably relate to them easily.

Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#58

Post by scaramanga »

whatshisface wrote: post #27
samtimalsina wrote: post #9

I’m a little drunk and I have not even read the article but I was discussing this very thing with my friends. We have so many stories and we are each going through so much struggle individually. Why can’t we be kind and considerate of each other?

Because going through a struggle tends to turn people inward and makes them see everything, including the harm they do to others, as if they were a victim just doing what they have to do to survive. It is very hard to overcome it because you have to become a kind of martyr, who accepts the reality of their suffering but who's too holy to blame it on everyone else, or even on yourself. Kids are often nicer than adults…

I think that what you call "learning to bear a cross" is really an application of empathy, and an important one. It's the knowledge that "if I have an emotional meltdown, those close to me will be forced in to the role of caring for me, which emotionally drains them."

It's such an important skill to know when to hide or bear your hurt, to spare others the burden of care, and when to share your hurt to acquire some care. It's a difficult balance to strike because if you go neglected for too long, you will completely meltdown, but if you elicit care too often, you will also elicit compassion fatigue from your carers (especially as an adult, I mean, parents will pretty much pour all the care required in to their young children, it's not that they are limitless, but the limits are way higher).

To be less transactional about it: you don't make every negative event be all about you, because you recognise that things affect others, even things that seem to only affect you. That requires a quite refined and well-developed sense of empathy where you are balancing various overlapping and conflicting needs of, potentially, several people at once.

Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#59

Post by jes »

elevaet wrote: post #45
jes wrote: post #38

For much of my life, I was a jerk. I was insecure and often became offended and unkind when things didn't unfold the way I thought they should. It really screwed up my relationships and in my mid-50s, I found myself pretty much angry and alone in the world. I was constantly stuck in a story no one else really knew much about. What I came to understand was that I had picked up certain ideas about myself over the cours…

It's not easy to make a fundamental change to your outlook like that, well done. I think most of us have at least a bit of what you're describing of yourself pre-mid-50s, and could use a little more untangling of these fixed narratives about ourselves. I'm a big fan of Alan Watts', his talks are absolute gold.

Fully agree, and thank you.

Regarding Alan Watts, maybe check out the chillstep recordings of his different talks on YouTube, if you have not already done so. They are excellent!

Re: What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?

#60

Post by tobinfekkes »

hatsunearu wrote: post #39
cercatrova wrote: post #13

Sonder: n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra…

maybe I'm just an asshole but I've felt whatever is the opposite of sonder these days when I come across people that are so clueless and inattentive they might as well be zombies.

This is water.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=eC7xzavzEKY

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