Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

On eating out alone

tiramisu.bearblog.dev

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

51–60 of 103 posts

Re: On eating out alone

#51

Post by dvt »

shaftoe wrote: post #34
devin wrote: post #9

Before the pandemic, I used to go out alone on purpose just to meet random people. (I'm married.) I know this isn't for everyone, but I got good at it and I enjoy(ed) it. I've noticed however, that this is a skill that can atrophy. It's taken me a little while to get back to my old self in public places.

I'm curious how this can work. What you're describing sounds impossible. You go to a restaurant: how do you have any kind off conversation beyond maybe a joke to someone in a line? My impression is that people are friendly but not interested in anything beyond pleasantries with a rando.

If you're at a restaurant and either sitting at the bar or at a communal table, it can be pretty easy to strike up a conversation. I mean sure, not every new connection is going to end up being a lifelong friendship or your soulmate, but exchanging numbers (or more likely, Instagram handles) with people at coffee shops or casual eateries is pretty common.

If you're wondering how to start a conversation, a compliment goes a long way.

Re: On eating out alone

#52

Post by silisili »

yosito wrote: post #33
browningstreet wrote: post #2

This person thinks very hard about eating, and being alone while eating. It can also be as simple as eating, seated in a restaurant, by yourself. Why make it more complicated or ritual-worthy than that? This is also one of those things were the "pressures" are self-created. People in restaurants certainly aren't shocked if you go in there by yourself. I wonder if they've discovered the joys of going to movie theaters…

It seems to me that the author is very young, and very concerned about what others think of them. Which, to be fair, is something that often fades with age. I can remember when I was in my 20s, I found eating alone to be uncomfortable. But as I got older, I realized that I don't care at all what other people think about whether I'm eating alone or not, what I order, how fast I eat, etc etc. As long as no one is harme…

> this perspective comes with age

Absolutely. I regret how much of my teens and early 20s I missed out on because of caring what other people think. But I guess it's rather normal. I guess that also explains the whole 'old naked guy in the shower room' trope...the older you get, the less you care.

Regardless, I'm trying to instill this in my 10 year old's head, but it's probably fruitless. She asks 'dont you feel embarrassed' when I go out in public with a grease stain, or messed up hair, or my trusty crocs.

Re: On eating out alone

#53

Post by smachiz »

fiat_fandango wrote: post #50

I find this relatable as someone who's somewhat introverted, but socially capable. For years, I denied that I had any form of social anxiety - but even in my late twenties when for better or for worse (maybe I'm letting myself go?) I've decided to stop care about being cool - the fear that I'll say something stupid or sound / look like a creep keeps me generally away from dining alone. However, this was really only a…

I love eating alone - it's a rare treat for me. My suggestion is to always sit at the bar if you can. I feel like many of the social norms at a table don't apply at the bar - I don't feel bad reading my kindle, drinking a glass of wine and enjoying my meal in solitude.

The bartenders don't care at all, and will happily leave you alone - and I don't feel guilty about occupying a table.

Re: On eating out alone

#54

Post by yodsanklai »

It may feel a bit weird the first few times, but eventually it feels very natural. Nobody cares. Same thing for traveling.

The only place where I don't like to go alone are bars. It's boring and it feels a bit lonely seeing people partying where you're on your own.

Re: On eating out alone

#55

Post by soupfordummies »

happytoexplain wrote: post #8
browningstreet wrote: post #2

This person thinks very hard about eating, and being alone while eating. It can also be as simple as eating, seated in a restaurant, by yourself. Why make it more complicated or ritual-worthy than that? This is also one of those things were the "pressures" are self-created. People in restaurants certainly aren't shocked if you go in there by yourself. I wonder if they've discovered the joys of going to movie theaters…

This is a little like saying "just do it". It's not really pragmatic. Many humans feel uncomfortable being "exposed" in various ways, and one of those ways is being conspicuous in public. I enjoy going to the theater alone, but you're sitting in the dark among people in a continuous sea of seats, not grouped into tables. In a restaurant, it feels conspicuous to be eating alone, even though I have the experience of be…

For those that care about being obviously alone at a table surrounded by couples, there’s an easy solution— just sit at the bar

Re: On eating out alone

#56

Post by trevorishere »

cercatrova wrote: post #14
trevorishere wrote: post #6

Eating out alone really hurts. It makes you feel that much more _alone_ because nearly everyone else is with their SO, a party, friend, etc. Bringing a phone is only a distraction to get through waiting for the meal to arrive. I dislike it more than being alone at home.

Does it hurt because you have the societal expectation that people really care whether you're alone? If so, disabuse yourself of that notion, because it's patently false.

No, I don't experience the judgement effect.

Ended a very long relationship.

Re: On eating out alone

#57

Post by five82 »

I never really thought about it much but I tend to only get counter service if I eat alone out of habit. Since I’m typically by myself for lunch when I’m working, I’m admittedly missing out on some good dining options.

Re: On eating out alone

#58

Post by TheCapn »

jxf wrote: post #29
browningstreet wrote: post #2

This person thinks very hard about eating, and being alone while eating. It can also be as simple as eating, seated in a restaurant, by yourself. Why make it more complicated or ritual-worthy than that? This is also one of those things were the "pressures" are self-created. People in restaurants certainly aren't shocked if you go in there by yourself. I wonder if they've discovered the joys of going to movie theaters…

The author addresses this in the first sentence: > When I went to college I discovered that I harbored a serious aversion to eating alone in public. So the answer to this remark: > It can also be as simple as eating, seated in a restaurant, by yourself. Why make it more complicated or ritual-worthy than that? is that "because it's not simple for them".

Feels very much like one of those "how do you reason a person out of a belief that they hold without reason?" type things.

There's generally no objective reason for someone to have the aversion besides their own self-created mental barriers. In which case the solution quite practically is "get over yourself and try it". If the person's social anxiety is high enough that such advise is poor and inactionable they probably should be working with therapy and not writing general advise blogs.

Back to the primary subject though, it seems our author even recognizes this:

>But with practice, I’m starting to become more comfortable with dining alone and even enjoy it. It has its own charms, and I think everyone should do it once in a while.

So it does seem quite literally that simple. Even to our author.

Re: On eating out alone

#59

Post by trevorishere »

miked85 wrote: post #23
trevorishere wrote: post #6

Eating out alone really hurts. It makes you feel that much more _alone_ because nearly everyone else is with their SO, a party, friend, etc. Bringing a phone is only a distraction to get through waiting for the meal to arrive. I dislike it more than being alone at home.

Is being alone at home really a bad thing?

Not always, until the quietness and boredom sets in. You can only play games/watch YT/reddit/HN for so long.

I love being alone in the forest, though. I seek solitude on back logging roads -- places where people don't normally hike because it isn't 'pretty'.

Being alone in that context is freeing.

Re: On eating out alone

#60

Post by hbn »

cercatrova wrote: post #10

I love eating out alone, as well as watching movies alone, taking walks alone, even traveling abroad alone (/r/solotravel) and so on. It's so much more liberating to do things you want to do at the exact time you want to do them without having to wait for anybody to accompany you. At the same time, I'm not sure why there's so much anxiety from the author about doing things alone. As I'm not one of those people, perha…

I don't get why going to movies is seen as a thing you should do with your friends. You're not supposed to be talking during it, and if you are, you're annoying everyone around you. Unless the plan is to go to the movie and then get a meal at which point you can discuss it after. But otherwise, I pretty much only go to movies alone.
Post reply on HN